The Memories Just Came In Like a Tornado
My husband forced me to have sex with him on several occasions throughout our marriage. When I finally left him a few weeks ago, it dawned on me that I had finally left someone who abused me. With that realization, a whole flood of memories about my child sexual abuse came back like a tornado. I started to realize after I left my husband that I had never really dealt with the sexual abuse that I had experienced as a child. My emotions are all over the place now and I feel like I'm going crazy. I feel something different every ten minutes and sometimes I feel totally irrational. I had my first appointment with a therapist last week who told me that I ought to consider "Intensive Outpatient Therapy" because she feels that I'm in "crisis mode" or "a state of emergency". As much as I think it would do me good to go through with this program, there's no way that I can take off work for 3 weeks to go to this intensive therapy every day for 4 hours. So now I'm trying to figure out another way to deal with these experiences.
I want so much to be free from these experiences. I know that they'll never go away and that makes me so angry. But at the same time, I've got to figure out a way to manage the experiences in the best possible way so that I don't let those experiences rule over my life or interactions with others. I don't even know how to get started.
I don't want to start journaling because I'm honestly afraid that the intensity will be too much for me to handle. Yet, I know if I contunue to repress these issues, I'll never be able to break free of the backlash that the abuse has caused.
But, like I said...I don't even know how to get started.