Not Always Thought Of As Abuse.

My momma and I lived in a small one bedroom trailer. When she had men over (which was all the time) I had to sleep in the closet cause she didn't want men to know she had a kid. I woke up one morning and came out to go pee. He was standing there naked. He said "Hi I am Mitch what's your name?". I didn't say anything and ran back in my closet.

3 weeks later we moved in with "Mitch". He promised her a nice house and all the Jack Daniels she could drink. He promised her that he would be a good daddy to me since I never had one before.

I remember seeing my "Princess" room for the very first time. I had a big canopy bed, a huge closet with all new clothes... never had new clothes before.... and my own big bathroom in my bedroom... it was soooo awesome and there were mirrors everywhere... even in my closet.

I was really in heaven in the beginning. He would help me try on all my new clothes and take pictures of me in them. He even took them before I finished getting dressed. I had fun posing for him.. he made me feel very special. I really did love the attention.

He taught me to swim which I loved, but I remember the tingly feeling between my legs when he would hold me with his thumb between my legs to hold me up in the water.... and how when we sat in the spa I would always be bouncing on his lap.

The first time he touched me when I was naked was when he gave me a bath. I didn't do a good enough job so he took me back in to wash my hair and my face cause I didn't. He stood me up and washed me between my legs for a really long time. I remember my legs getting shaky and I had to hold onto his shoulder... he said to me... "that feels good when I do that to you doesn't it MacyJo?"... and I said yes.... I gave him permission to do that to me right then.

From that night on I was his sexual toy. He came in my room at night after my momma passed out from the Jack Daniels he gave her. He took naked pictures of me and movies of me mastur bating myself or dancing in front of the mirrors. I just didn't realize it was wrong. I never had attention like that before and I have to say that I actually loved it. I loved when he would spread my legs and examine me like a doctor would. It just made me tingle all the time.

He "groomed me" to be very submissive sexually to him. I learned early never to say no to him, no matter what. The only time I did... I didn't want to swallow what he deposited in my mouth..and he locked me in my room for 10 days and didn't pay attention to me. That almost killed me... I never said no to him ever again!

I started having sex with other men the would come to the house... I literally was his whuore. He would film me having sex with the men... I was used to it so the camera didn't seem odd to me.

I belonged to him until I was 19. I had 4 children by him before I was 18 all of which he "gave away" cause I was too young to raise. That is the part that bothered me the most... the only reason I ran away when I was 19 was because I was pregnant again and didn't want to give up my baby.

In reading so many of the stories in this section, I realize the pain and trauma so many of you went through. As odd as it may seem, I don't regret what I went through, except having to give up my babies. I don't regret being sexualized as a child... I think it made me the sexual being that I am today. Yes... I think about sex all the time and I mastur bate constantly. When I do that I always go back to the first time he touched me in the tub. I can still remember the feeling as if it were yesterday...that was not a bad feeling even when he put his fingers inside me a little. He said to me "you like it when I do that to you don't you MacyJo?"... and I said yes...so he never stopped.

I know there are tons of pictures of me out there from when I was 7 till I was 18... even pregnant and breastfeeding him after the birth of my first baby when I was 13. I know now that it was wrong... I know that I was used for sex and money, but it just didn't seem wrong at the time.

Maybe I have a "convenient" memory and have chosen to forget the feeling of "abuse" but I always loved the attention from what I remember. I liked when a man would control me and do what he wanted to me. I am still in that kind of a relationship to this day. The only difference is when I get pregnant... like I am again now... I keep my babies.
SweetSouthernEm SweetSouthernEm
31-35, F
4 Responses Dec 16, 2012

Well, I think that you are the one who is truelly in control by being submissive. If that makes any sense. By choosing to view the past as strength, you show the most control in your life. I'm very impressed by you. Thanks for sharing.

I have to admit, I feel very bad.. Cause macyjo was manipulated, as she didn't get any love and affection from her mother, so this guy *mitch* knew that so he used (showered of gifts) and the mother didn't seem to care about it.

First sign, he was taking pictures of her while she undress and thought (his just helping her try on new cloths)

mitch never cared. And someday when you get older, something is going to trigger. That you would go in depression, it has happen.

Hi Elfric... it is true. He gave her a 5000 sq. foot house in the hills of California to keep her happy. He gave her all the liquor she wanted. She gave him me. I am sure it seemed like a small price for her to pay. I was 7 at the time. All I knew is that he paid a lot of attention to me and I loved it. I would have spread my legs or opened my mouth for him anytime as long as he didn't go away.
In the end I ended up running away so I didn't have to give up my baby again! I am fine.... so far any way... I will keep you posted...giggle

I didn't wanted you replying to me about this. Cause you had to compelled your self in telling me something so wrong.. I didn't need to know that. Also I feel very sorry for you.

Did your mom ever find out

Yes Alicia.... she knew pretty much from the very beginning. He would touch me while we all watched tv together. She just chose not to say anything to him.

I too loved it the first time my 7 year older brother asked me if I wanted to taste his *** the first time I caught him jacking off. That began years of my brothers molesting me, and I LOVED it!!! I can look back now and acknowledge that it was molestation because of the age difference, but that does not change my feelings about the experiences.