Still Makes Me Sick

 I have only ever talked about this with my husband and my sister.  Even now I am sort of afraid to post what actually happened .. for fear of judgement., even though its annonymous I am afraid to hear someons critcism or hear how disgusting and sick I am. I even altered the actual version of what happened to my husband when I told him , I think I also lied to my sister about what actually happened . I sort of even lie to myself I think. I am soo terribley ashamed.

 

 Well here goes , whe I was in elementary school .. I tihnk it was the second grade .. or maybe first . I dont rmember. My oldest brother used to pay me with candy bars or sometimes pocket change to go down. I didnt really realise it waswrong at first. I knew it was  not something I was supposed to talk about  but I didnt realise why. My brother was never mean to me .. he treated me like a queen. He always stood up for me etc etc. It didnt last long . But I still cant stop thinking abut it . I dont think about it often anymore but I think about it whenever he is around I used to think that it never actually happened , but then I tsalked to my sister aboutit one druinken night and found out that she had done it before I did . When she finally made him stop he moved onto me. Anyway I remeber when I started feeling grossed out by it and I told him I didnt want to do it anymore he made me feel guilty and said that hs girlfriedns wouldnt do it for him . So I told him he should hump a pillow. I dont rmember where I learned that trick .. but Ia lways felt guilty about that one too. Now I know ************ and its different methods are okay. But back then I thought it was weird.  Anyway I am sorry thi is all so jumbled but I am typingit as I am remembering certain bits and pieces. Like I remeber when I tohught it was wrong  but he didnt want to stop I told myself that it was okay that I was just like pretty woman ( Julia roberts... that was one of my favorite movies whe I was young)

 

 So anyway that is most of it I think .. there it is . Am I really a **** or was I too young to know better?

( By the way I tihnk that another reason I may stay with my husband even thuogh our marriage sucks is that he has always been understanding about the childhood stuff .. although I NEVVER GAVE HIM DETAILS .. JUST THAT IT WAS MY BROTHER AND THAT i WENT DOWN .. HE DOESNT KNOW ABOUT THE BRIBERY.)

kindahatemyhusband kindahatemyhusband
22-25
7 Responses Mar 24, 2009

You should tell your husband everything. That is if you think he would understand. It would make you feel better. You know telling the truth.

at the age of 17.. i molested 3 sisters in the same bed, age 10, 13 & 16. it was a amazing night. all night i did..that experience made my sexual power increased. that now i can do sex for long hours.. now their married and i still have contacts with them...but we never reminded or talked about what happened..eventhough we did it many times..we never talked about it..its just happens...now even after married the ladies wanna try it i guess, i came to know their idea in a recent chat.. will see.

thanks for sharing

Hi kindahatemyhusband- You did nothing wrong..<br />
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Do you think you have lied to everyone including yourself about what happened because your ashamed of it? This isn’t your shame to carry....<br />
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I am assuming your brother was older because you said that he did this with your sister as well... Your sister stopped doing it for him and she must have told him why....He knew it made her uncomfortable...There is no reason that he wouldn’t know it would make you uncomfortable....<br />
Even after you told him you didn’t want to do it anymore he guilted you into doing it....<br />
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Do you feel bad because you did it for the candy bars and pocket change? Does that make you feel like it was somehow your fault because you took bribes/ pay for it? This is one way your brother justified what he was having you do in his mind....This is also not your guilt...<br />
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Do you feel like you may have betrayed him because he treated you like a queen? He made you feel special... He stood up for you and you were grossed out by what happened? This is another warped way sexual predators make their victims want to do what they want them to do.....Again you were right to feel grossed out and to tell him to hump a pillow.....<br />
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Now even though the guilt isn’t yours to carry...I also don’t believe it is your brothers...Something or someone may have helped him develop sexual predator tendencies..<br />
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He may have been born with the tendencies as well, but in all fairness you need to look at all aspects of your childhood and see if you can remember anything funny happening with your brother and anyone else..... or a time when he seemed to have a drastic change in personality....If you can it is entirely possible he was abused as well...Maybe your sister would be of help here as she may remember more things....she probably needs closure as much as you do as well...<br />
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Not that this will change what happened with you or your sister or your brother ,but it may be the beginning of understanding “why”... It is the , “ unanswered whys that drive us crazy later in life.<br />
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I have found that when I could understand why...(why it happened...why me...why that person..etc)...I was able to acknowledge both my pain and the pain of my abuser..<br />
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Being able to see my abuser as another victim made it easier to forgive them and finally when I could forgive...little by little I put it behind me.....<br />
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You said your brother was good to you other than this, so I would imagine either he had been abused as well or that he lagged far behind in his natural development of moral standards....Having both you and your sister tell him no may have helped him to develop this sense of right and wrong....not that you or your sister should have had to feel uncomfortable in order for him to develop in this way, but this does happen with siblings sometimes...<br />
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Let your guilt go...you didn’t do anything wrong and in the end you may have even helped your brother become a better person....You should feel pride in the fact that both you and your sister had developed the ability, to know right from wrong, at that stage of your childhood. All you kids were really just that .....kids......It is really unfortunate that you had to go through what you had to go through....but it is not a reason to beat yourself up anymore....You and your sister did good and if your brother did finally stop asking you to do those things..in the end he finally did good too..<br />
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My advice would have been totally different if this would have been an adult that had done this, however.....

I agree completely that you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. The fact is, kids are curious about sex, just like they're curious about everything else. Far more children have early sexual experiences than we think, but most of them don't talk about it when they grow up because of the stigma society puts on it.<br />
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My advice is not to let other people tell you what to think about your experience - or your brother. Only you know what it felt like at the time, and how it has (or hasn’t) affected you. Don’t let anyone who wasn’t there make it better or worse than it really was. Don’t let them force you to see yourself as either a **** or a victim. And don’t let them force you to see your brother as a rapist if it doesn’t feel that way to you. If he didn’t really mean any harm, and you didn’t feel like he was being cruel to you at the time, don’t let other people make him out to be some kind of criminally deranged pervert, just because they have hang-ups about childhood sexuality.<br />
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Among my personal acquaintances I know: a girl who was prostituted by her mother from age four until she was put in foster care, a 12 year old boy who had sex with a 20 year old woman he knew, a 9 year old boy who had sex with an older female cousin, two sisters who rubbed their vaginas together for pleasure at a young age and sometimes invited others to watch and join them, a girl whose 16 year old boyfriend who took her “a lot farther than a 12 year old should go,” a 15 year old girl who had a fling with her step brother until they broke it off out of fear that their parents would find out, a 16 year old girl who had an affair with a middle-aged employer until her parents found out, a pre-adolescent boy who had anal sex with his male cousin when they slept together at their grandmother’s house, an adolescent boy whose male friends had a “clubhouse” in which several of them frequently engaged in ************ as well as oral and anal sex, and two pre-adolescent boys who found a parent’s **** stash and vibrator and engaged in various kinds of experimentation - and those are just the ones I know about! <br />
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Even decades later, none of those people except the first one felt that they were actually harmed by what happened, in spite of the fact that in some cases it wasn’t their idea, they didn’t really understand what was happening, they thought it was wrong but they did it anyway, or the other person was old enough to have gone to prison for it. <br />
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Your experience is your own, and nobody has the right to make you feel the way they want you to feel about it.

Oh Sweetie - you have nothing to be ashamed of and you did nothing worng. Im so sorry this happened to you - no child deserves to be abused in any way. And what happened to you - regardless of 'bribery' - was abuse.<br />
Im not sure what I can say to make you feel better - perhaps counselling would help - so you can realise how strong you are, a survivor, and stop being victimised by the shame and pain you feel - I wish you all the best *hugs*