My ****** Story....

It began when i was about 6 yrs old. I remember my oldest brother pulling down his pants and showing us his penis, and then,
asking us to touch it, and lick it. This memory is vague, but i remember it. And Remember someone else there, I think another sister who was asked to do the same.
Than, a few yrs later, at 14, my other brother would climb on top of me, kissing me, pulling down my pants, lick me, and try to put it in.
I always complained it hurt, so he never got far but always tried. Other times if on vacation, he would be in another twin bed next to me, and reach over and put his fingers inside. this was a regular thing for a couple years. I grew up in a large family, one of 7, and never thought this would happen. Especially with so many people living under one roof. I was very ashamed all the time and grew anger towards everyone around me. I was always a quiet person, but i grew even more shy after this because i couldn't trust anyone. As i went through high school and college, I couldn't interact with men or even look at them. I was always frozen. not knowing if i could talk to them.
I always thought if i told anyone, that it would be my fault, and i would cause problems for the family. So i kept my mouth shut. One weekend when returned from a weekend of my first year of college, i learned that the same happened to my other 2 sisters as well.
I have no idea of the details of what they felt or went through, but i was told my younger sister, it became violent.
When my mother told me this I was in shock. But i still didn't come forward and say anything, that I too also was a victim. I was still afraid. After i got my degree, i wanted to go back to school for teaching,and only lasted less than a year. I wasn't doing well in classes. My 2nd semester, i was having a difficult time. I couldn't sleep and i was deeply depressed. One Night i lost it and was on the phone with my mother, and i blurted it out. I said u know what happened to them, it happened to me too. She didn't say anything.
This same night, i sat down and wrote a letter to my one brother telling him i forgave him for what he did to me. He never acknowledge it ever. But that wasn't why i wrote it. It lifted a huge weight off my shoulder to be able to forgive someone that hurt me. Though I never wrote one to my oldest brother, I dont know why. I think about doing that. Growing up, the younger of the 2 would get blamed for everything whether it was his fault or not. But In my heart i beleive my oldest brother somehow taught him to do what he did to me.
For many years i was angry at my mother and my father, wondering how they could let this happen. I know it wasnt' their fault, they didn't know, but how could they not? With all of us there all the time? they should have. I've always had a hard time because of this trusting anyone in my life, especially men. I went to a womans high school and womens college so i didn't have to worry about being
around men. When i did see men at parties and other gatherings, I couldn't have a conversation or even look at a man in the same room, no matter how nice a person they were. I would go on dates, and literally throw up and have to leave. I didn't actually have
a boyfriend until i was 27 yrs old. I still see my brothers at family functions. I am very close with my family and used to spend alot of time, but I have found i had to distance myself from gatherings that involved them, so that i dont think of the past so much. It is hard to talk about, but has gotten easier over the years. I feel the more i talk about it, the stronger I am. I find talking with other victims can help know that I too am not alone. There are others out there it has happened to.

shysweetsensible shysweetsensible
36-40, F
9 Responses May 6, 2012

disguisting bastard!

impressed with your openess..it' helps to talk about it .i no this.

First thing to know, it is their twisted mind that think about abuse or sexual assault or even rape you is your fault. They are worse than animals and no matter what others claim it. It is still never ever our fault to have twisted mind of sisters or brothers, as i had sisters although i never made it a big deal for me. They were worse but i knew this. Women in general are beautiful and not all are same like our fingers as they are not a like same as other people. Forgiving siblings or sisters who been so abusive and use you in a sexual manner and of course, i couldn't tell mom as she got a lot of issues as i am only child to three other sisters. I believe that human have both devil/good manners and some have devil more than good and hell they inherit from dad the devil quality. Anyway, as you are a survival and never ever feel like you are a lone ever.

...it's good to know that you forgave him - if I was your father I would have castrated him, if I'd of known !!!

...sorry to hear you pain ???

Thanks you all for your kind response. I improve as the yrs go on, however, i admit it has affected my relationships with men at times. Sending that letter to my brother, wasn't something i did for him, but rather for myself to lift that huge burden of the past off my shoulders, of keeping that secret so many years.

Your kind makes me sick.

RedExperience- when you walk a mile in my shoes maybe you'd understand what I went through. I didnt choose it.I didnt want it.

Why does her kind make you sick;RedExperience----Did YOU do the same to your sister or other female relative??????? IF SO YOU REALLY NEED TO GET HELP!!!!!

You sound like a woman whose mental health is improving daily. I wish you well and I really appreciate your article. It is an important contribution to the subject of family abuse.

This freedom to talk is ehat ep is all about. XOXO

wow, I can totally relate to almost every aspect of your story...thank you for sharing.