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My Confession

I never thought I would ever talk about this. I really need to, not only get this off of my chest, I need to confront this. I consider myself a strong person, but I really don't know what to do, it's been eating away at my soul for almost 30 years.
I engaged in a long term consensual sexual relationship with a family member.

TheLovingDominant TheLovingDominant 36-40, M 16 Responses Jul 31, 2012

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:)

I hadn't ventured through your page much before in order to see this post of yours. But I can say I'm glad you're enjoying life, the kiddo's around you, and have moved forward. :)

This is an updated and a highly censored version.

It's dated 2012. But - damn!

They let you edit stories now. I whittled away all of the graphic detail

I see a date on the post of July 31, 2012. And yes, I know editing stories is allowed on here :P

1 More Response

Wow honey...it's not your fault...the neglect and lack of parental guidance would have played a big role in you situation...xxx

I'm over it now. Thanks.

empty mind is a devil workshop.

I know, right!

I was reading your story again, and was thinking about how much the neglect and abandonment of your parents more than likely had the most profound effect on your brother and sister (and you) and not so much the sexual activity. Looking at your situation from an unemotional, uninvolved side, I think the die was cast for your sibling's troubles before the sexual play started. I suspect they were searching for love and caring as much as you, but had difficulty showing real love to others during those early years and teen years, and unfortunately your sister never recovered from that. Even if you had been a professional therapist, and did your best, I doubt you could have changed your sister.

A true heart felt story. I admire you for being a caring and respectful uncle. Hope you can find someone that can fulfill your desires.

Thank you. Being an Uncle has been the most rewarding relationship that I have thus far experienced. Thanks again.

leave the past in the past. that was then, this is now....
everyone has regrets in their lives. EVERYONE. to forgive others you must first , forgive yourself. U can't hold yourself responsible for the actions of others. their life, their decisions.
move on with your life.
Good Luck to You,

This is sick. plain sick. how could you not understand how wrong it was when you were younger. your brother is a sicko, you're a sicko and so was your sister. Just because you were kids doesn't mean this kind of behaviour should be condoned. you all deserve whatever happened in your life.

Thank you for your opinion. I am very sorry for you. I really am. But, given your age, and the time in which you exist. I can understand and forgive your ignorance and your lack of understanding. May you someday learn understanding, compassion and empathy.

I was abused when i was 5 by my cousin who was 11. This happened on several occasions untill i turned 12. At that age i just knew it was wrong for me morally not to resist so i did. i never felt any attraction towards him and i knew it was sick to be attracted to relatives. there just are some moral boundaries that no sensible honorable person no matter how old should cross, because mentally healthy people have an inner 'radar' of what is wrong and what is right.

My dear friend. I have no need for your barbs or insults. I hope you find happiness with yourself to not be judgmental. I wish you the best in all of your future endeavours.

Foxxy93, you clearly don't actually understand family dynamics, normal sexual curiosity, brotherly competitiveness, nor do you understand the closeness that brothers and sisters can feel for one another. Simply because you have lived a homogenized life doesn't mean that there aren't major variations in near everyone else's families, never mind cultures! In parts of Asia it is typical for mothers to give oral sex to their sons to relieve them of stress. In some countries brothers are encouraged to have anal sex with one another to practice and learn dominance. There's nothing sexually deviant about natural sexual curiosity. The statistics say that nearly 1 of every 10 sets of siblings have had sexual relations. That they stopped without having parents or anyone to tell them otherwise showed their natural understanding as soon as they were truly aware what they were doing wasn't quite with the social 'norm'. It's amazing that someone can put a CONFESSION on here and clearly has remorse and guilt, and another person decides to pass judgement, never mind your being basically a child. I'm sorry for you.

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Forgiveness is the only way out of that darkness.Forgive her and yourself.

Thank you. I have learned and accepted forgiveness for all parties involved.

Tiki, don't be too hard on yourself for something that started when you were 7 and your brother was 12. You were drawn into an adult situation and had no experience how to handle it. I agree with the other replies that the lack of supervision by your parents was the trigger for all these negative events. They should have hired an adult supervisor to be at your house when you all got home from school until your parents came home.

You have written a very important article in that all the other stories of ****** between siblings seems to have a happy ending, yours explains the consequences when this is not handled well. I would be willing to bet that sibling ****** ends badly more times than not.

Thanks for this very straight forward and compelling post. Now if only we could get all the parents of "latchkey" kids to read it.

I appreciate the praise. Though, it is misplaced, as I have done very little to deserve it. Fortunately, I'm no longer as hard on myself as I was when I wrote it. For all intents and purposes, I've made peace with the whole situation. The guilt that I felt is not as strong as it was at the time of my writing.

I have been making rapid progress, I think, because I didn't repress it. I kept it near the front of my mind always. I had 30 years time to dwell on it, and think about it. It's always been real to me. Not a dream, flashback or a foggy memory. I think that not repressing it has made things easier.

Putting it down on paper, so to speak, and seeing my "complex" emotions in front of me, in a semi coherent and semi chronological fashion, helped put a lot of things into perspective and helped me become more receptive to dealing with it and to heal myself.

The last month and a half has been an emotional roller coaster. I've been feeling a lot of strange and strong sexual urges that came out of nowhere. Those are subsiding and my mind and my body is settling down. I have gained a new confidence and a level of comfort with myself that I've never had before.

I thank my therapist and the support, kind words, encouragement and advice I have received from kind folks like yourself here at EP for helping me work through this. And I endeavor to return the favor.

Thank you for the kind response. I applaud your rapid progress and I agree that writing about it helps. It's helped me in many areas. Writing at EP means sharing with a lot of people that may need the information for themselves or friends. I'm glad that I've had the opportunity to read about your experience and your response to my comment. Reading your experience and the experiences of others has helped me cope with my own emotional problems. I'm sure your post has helped more people than you will ever know.

You told your confession very clearly and honestly. I agree with you that the ****** with your sister was not what you survived, however you are a survivor nonetheless. I believe you that you don't see your parents as neglectful. Most survivors of abuse see it very clearly in others, but manage to maintain a blind spot about their own abuse. The degree of neglect you describe from your parents is seriously abusive to the emotional wellbeing of children. Regerdless of how your sister's interactions with yourself and your brother did or didn't impact on her, she first and foremostly would have had to survive the abuse from her parents. The bonding with you and your brother, as unfortunate as it seems, may well have saved her sanity and been her salvation from feeling entirely unloved at that age.<br />
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Abuse by neglect results in serious attachment problems, and what later happened between you and your sister would have been due to this, which is a result of your parental abuse. It is heartbreaking that adult survivors of childhood abuse often continue giving further abuse to themselves after they are away from the circumstances of childhood. I acknowledge that you cannot free yourself easily from your feelings of guilt, however you did recieve abuse and you truly are a survivor of that.

I still don't see any of it as abuse. I didn't see it then, and I don't see it now. I am now, however realizing, with more clarity why I pretty much hated her for the last 12 or so years of her life. I tried to explain to my mother 5 years ago. I was disappointed with my sister's life choices. Not upset. But, angry and disappointed.

I explained it to her that my disappointment was not that of a friend or a brother. My disappointment was that of a parent who watched their child waste their life. It was inappropriate. But I didn't understand why I felt that way until recently. Because my relationship with my sister was very, I can't find a word to describe it. I can't describe it. Suffice to say, my emotions and feelings towards and about her were stronger than I realized and understood.

I believe I'm making peace with it. I think I've learned all there is to learn from this. It's time to let it go.

Best wishes to you.

Thank you. And you as well.

That's intense. I'm sorry for your loss. In 88, I committed an indiscretion, that I haven't disclosed to anyone but my off line best friend. We were both adults, It wasn't a sibling. I soothe my conscience by saying that it was vodka and duress.

I appreciate the condolences. I didn't lose my sister. Her children lost their mother. They deserve the condolences. And yes, booze has been the lubrication for many an indiscretion. I can't fault you for that!

Well done. Keep on with the difficult work ahead. You'll get there.

Thanks for the encouragement.

You bet. I wish you the best on that journey.

It's been a very long, strange trip. Ever since I started dealing with this, I found my level of confidence has really gone up. It's weird. I don't feel like a different person. I feel like the same person, but different. does that make sense?

Completely. I think we all deal with our own personal versions of Hell in one form or another. I know I have Mine. I struggle with depression, social anxiety, and a load of other issues but I'm taking it a step at a time and going to weekly therapy. One step at a time is all a person can do.

Aside from that, I've been enjoying and intrigued by your other stories. Interestingly told.

Thanks again. I've been battling with depression for as long as I can remember. It's getting better, though I do have my moments. I've been cripplingly depressed for most of this year. I have some questions to ask you, I'll do that privately though.

Okay. Feel free. I can't promise any groundbreaking answers, though. :P But I'll do what I'm able.

3 More Responses

I am not a member of any healing profession. I comment only as a fellow male. I have no personal experience whatsoever with ******. I have never heard of a case among my acquaintances. There has been a general decline in sexual taboos in recent decades, and that decline almost surely has made ****** more common.<br />
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Where I live (not in the USA) it is against the law for children to be unsupervised at home before the 14th birthday. Had this been the law when and where you grew up, your life would be very different now.<br />
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Who looks after your sister's children?<br />
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You should not have called your brother a sociopath to his face. To those who know what that means, it's a fighting word. And if you are correct, he needs your sympathy and help, not your blame.<br />
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Your sex drive is a mess and you should talk about it to a professional. I don't know what can be done about it, though.<br />
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Most ****** is fathers and uncles with daughters, stepdaughters, and nieces. This can be hugely damaging because of the control and power issues involved. Mother-son is rarer, but can really mess up a boy's mind and make him hate all intimacy with women. Sibling ****** is yet another cup of tea. There is a fair amount of talk about it in internet forums, but I can't say how much of that talk is just dirty fantasy. You need to find someone with professional experience with sibling ******. I have no idea where you should look.

I appreciate this... I think.

Everything that you succinctly stated has been addressed.

Her children are being raised by their father.

I did not call my brother a sociopath. I indicated that I always thought that he was. I love my brother to death, and part of loving someone, in my book is stating the good as well as the bad. I blame him no more than I blame myself. In fact, after a recent therapy session, I gained new insight. I have come to the conclusion that everything that happened was corollary, not causal. This absolves him of all guilt, either real or implied. I choose to hold on to my guilt, as I am yet ready to let go of it.

My escalating hypersexuality was temporary and has since subsided and has returned to normal, high levels. I

have sought a therapist and so far things have been going swimmingly.

Your comments, statements and delivery leads me to believe you are an academic. I'd go as far as to say a career academic. There is an intimation of a general lack of empathy. Just a hierarchical statement of fact. Very off putting for someone looking for support.

I LIKE YOUR STYLE!

I appreciate everything. Thank you.

you had a hard life but the way you shared this provide good evidence that your recovery or in the right direction. You are stronger than you think. Life is what you make out of it, not hings happened to you ! <br />
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Best of luck

Thanks. Actually, my life has been pretty easy. I've never had any struggles. Because I pay attention to the currents and which way the winds blow, I have to exert minimal energy to get the things that I want. I have no complaints about my life. I blame no one for anything. I harbor no ill will towards anyone other than myself.

Life has been good to me.

that is the attitude that has save you from lots of problems

Can anyone really start having consensual sex at 7? It sounds to me like an adult must have molested your sister when she was very young and in turn she did the same to you. To blame your self or your brother for her death is nonsense. Your brother was 5! He felt shame and anger that your sister took his innocence maybe. You and your brother should have a conversation about all the child on child molestation and maybe from there explore your underlying rightful anger towards your parents neglect. I hope you can find peace one day in the fact that you did not deserve to be robbed of a healthy sexual first time.

I think you misunderstood. He was five years older than I.

Thank you for sharing, that must have been tough and a great relief all at once. I too had sex with my sister when I was around the age of 8, she was 6 and it continued until I was 16. It started off innocent with our natural curiosities leading us to exploring each other's body but it soon progressed into a sexual thing. Once we began to know better, we put a stop to it. I don't have any regrets, and as far as I know, my sister doesn't either. Every now and then I fantasize about having sex with her now, but I don't think that would be good for either of us. <br />
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I don't think you should feel responsible for your sister's death because you "competed" with your brother for her sexual attention. If anyone is to blame, it's your parents for their lack of parenting, affection, attention and just plain being there for you. When my sis and I used to fool around, we always ran the risk of getting caught, but you and your bro & sis never had to worry about that. I guarantee that if your parents were around more, the frequency of the sex would have been greatly diminished and your feeling like it was "normal" would have been non-existent. <br />
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Don't feel responsible for what happened to your sister, just feel thankful that you haven't followed her down the same path. I suggest you talk these issues out with a professional therapist though, it will help you cope with your feelings and move on. I urge you to seek that help immediately.

Thanks for the comment. No matter what I, or anyone says, I will feel guilt. Before she died, my best friend died the year before. The only thing they had in common is that they are the only two people on which I have ever given up. Is it coincidence that they died? I don't think so. I don't believe in coincidences. Only the force. (Joke)

On Monday, I had a consult and we are trying to find an appropriate therapist. I specifically requested a female therapist. I don't trust men. Which I think is odd. Anywho, I am adamant about not taking medication.

In reality, who is to blame? They weren't neglectful. They worked very hard so that we were not without. We always had food, clothes and shelter. I learned how to be independent. I can cook, I can fix things, I had to learn how to do a lot of things on my own. I'm not mad at them for anything. Were they loving, no. I do know that they love me.

I was so starved for the contact, I don't think I would have thought it was wrong.I loved her very much and I wanted to please her. In fact, I still want to please women. Even though my need to ****** is very powerful. It is even more important that my female partners ****** first, either clitoral, or vaginal. If they can't get off, I don't get off. I don't know. Maybe I'll sort that in therapy.

Sometimes, I don't know why I'm upset. There are many people who have had infinitely worse experiences. I got off easy. My sister... she did not. I don't regret anything in my life. Life is too long to spend it living in the past. If I could do it all over again, I would do the same thing. The only difference is that I would have told her that I love her and when she is ready, I'd be there.

Thanks again, even though, I don't sound so, I really appreciate what you said.

No problem man, I'm glad to help. Even though you say your parents didn't neglect you and that they worked hard to provide for and support the family financially, the behavior of your brother and sister seem to indicate to me (in my non-professional opinion) that their acting out sexually with each other was a result of them desiring yet not receiving some sort of attention from your parents. Through my years of my own therapy, I've learned that 99% of the way we behave is directly related to our parents. It also sounds like you treat your sexual partners much in the same way you treated your sister sexually, you're there to serve them, please them, do whatever it takes to make them happy before you allow yourself to feel any pleasure. I'm glad to hear you're seeking professional help, i think you will benefit greatly from it and you will be able to move on and remove the guilt. Keep your chin up, you're on the right path!

I have speculated for years that my brother was a sociopath. During a relatively recent conversation, I told him so. He was deeply hurt. I didn't expect that response. I instantly felt bad. I don't like offending people. We are really close now, I am pleased with my relationship with my family now.

We'll see what happens with the passage of time.