Lost My Family

I haven't lost them literally speaking- in fact, they're only 3-4 miles down the road. But as far as a connection, any type of relationship at all- they are gone.
I confronted my dad over a year ago now- to say this past year has been horrific & devastating would be an understatement.
I let myself process my anger, like the books say, i let myself really feel it- it was hard, even unbearable at times- but it helped. I feel like i've now worked thru those emotions and, for the most part, the anger is gone. But would i like to see my dad? No way! Not ever- at this point in time I wouldn't even attend his funeral- why? Because he stopped being my father a very long time ago and now.....because of his sins....i have lost everyone i love.

I haven't been on this site for quite awhile now- but this is where i come to get my feelings out. Since the anger has dissipated i now feel like i'm dealing with trying to process the fallout- the loss of my family. It feels like i'm in mourning sometimes, and there are days....when i don't know how i get out of bed in the morning- but i do. I'm still fighting. I'm still trying to be brave & strong. Moving on is very hard for me, though. I don't have enough confidence in myself these days.
I have social anxiety and don't like leaving the house- but i force myself more days than not.

I did get a birthday card from my mom over a month ago. That was nice. No one else contacted me. No one, not even my mom, contacted me on Thanksgiving- i spent the day alone-but i told myself it won't always be like this. Now, I just heard from a cousin (the only relative i've told about all this) that one of my aunts died yesterday. No one from my family bothered to let me know.
Last month I asked my brother (in a text) if i could see my nephews (who i am extremely close to) and he just made some remark w/o really giving me an answer.
In some ways, all of this makes it easier for me to let go- let go of all of them and move forward- but then there are times- like right now- where i just break down in tears from all the sadness. I can't believe this is my life now. But it is- i feel as if i'm paying for my father's sins. That is one thing i don't think i can ever forgive him for- robbing me of my family- robbing me of seeing my nieces & nephews grow up. I know i have to keep going- sometimes i just don't know how.
howdidigethere04 howdidigethere04
46-50, F
4 Responses Dec 7, 2012

I understand. Im still in one. It happened when I was 12-18yr. I feel like he is so manipulative. How he threaten to kill himself if I told anyone. I literally have no one in my life besides him. I cant live like this. I don't know who I am anymore. He never gave me permission to work so ive never had a job in my life. Its just us two now. I wish I would've told someone. My dads side of the family hates my guts and I don't have a relationship with my mother. Like what did we ever do to deserve something so bad like this. Im having issues with my self now that only drugs can cure but when I come down Ib just want to die and leave this horrible disgusting world. When I cry to him and tell him we cant do this he just brushes it off and pretend nothings wrong. I cant take this anymore I don't know how to get out.

Is there anyone you can go to?? Are you still in school? you could see a school counselor- you HAVE to get out of there now. Call the police or your local crisis line-there is help out there. you can seek shelter in a domestic violence center- they will get you counseling, and help you in finding a job (all free)- and if your father showed up the police would be called immediately- it is a safe place- i know, i've stayed at one- they saved my life. Please don't give up-- please!! Your fathers threats and intimidation's of suicide are just to make you not tell- TELL anyway!! You have to fight, PLEASE! put yourself first, not him. He is a coward and needs to stop- you have a right to make it stop. Please talk to someone.

:( I know nothing will help but I'm sorry for your pain. Mine started at 5, that's as far as I can remember. It was my brother mostly until I was 25. The only way mine ended was with him choosing not to talk to me because he felt like I was mean. It hurt a lot and made me sick that it hurt me more then it gave me relief. I know now he groomed me that way so it would feel like that. Hopefully something will happen for the better one day.

Were you mean? Did you stop giving him what you had given him for so many years?
Stop playing the victim.
You both wanted it, did it repeatedly, and then when you didn't want it anymore, your brother went elsewhere.
Now you're playing the victim? Pathetic

You have absolutely no right to attack her this way & obviously don't know what you're talking about. It started when she was 5-!! "what she had given him for so many years"??? You mean what he stole from her for so many years!! People like you make me ill

sickening

ya know, my dad always claimed that i was being mean to him also- and I was (with good reason) but it still made me feel so guilty. My mom used to beg me to treat him nicer, that I was really hurting his feelings. But they are all responsible for the choices they made, not us. The way we were treated was not right and if you can find a way to let out the anger and hurt and pain you can start to let it go-- I am finally getting to this point. It's been incredibly hard and basically took, crying so hard i thought my guts were going to rupture but I feel a bit lighter even and while I don't ever want to see him again, i'm not as angry and hurt as i was before. Still have a ways to go, though.

Good luck to you :-)

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I read your story and it has many things and events common to my life. I think the person you became angry with got the impression you father died was from "I wouldn't even attend his funeral" as meaning something you refused to do rather than something you planned on avoiding.
Men see things differently then us and I personally get offended very easy when they seem to think we feel the same as them. It may have a subliminal effect due to having a large portion of my life ruined by a male. There are many Lurkers who get an erotic thrill from some stories. Sick bastards indeed.
Just the same as we cringe after seeing someone with a burn , because we have been burned and share the hurt, after we meet a person who has been abused then we feel their hurt too. Sometimes we are looking at ourselves.
I attend ISA , it's one of the few groups allowing males and females. ISA only allows males that have been closely screened then referred by Physicians to participate.
They often fail to return after being triggered

Yes, I can see how he may have misconstrued the part about my fathers funeral. But to be so attack-minded when he himself, sounds like he is in so much pain- i just don't get it.
Thank you for your response- the support on here has been so helpful. What did you mean by "they often fail to return after being triggered"?

My belief about "triggered" is they hear a woman's description of events that does not agree with his impression.
A man Who was going quite regularly simply walked out at on meeting and never returned after hearing a victims post-abuse recant.
The member was recalling something she said to her father after the abuse.
"Dad, why don't you ever say that you love me?". when after a few seconds had pasted since asking the question her mind became illuminated with fire and light.
Her Father punched her so hard he broke her nose.
I know the male member had sisters, maybe it ~. Ah, I don't know

wow!

I forgot to add he had tears when he left.
It put an eerie end to our meeting

that's so sad...the things that trigger panic, anxiety and sadness....and fear.

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I spent some time reading then re reading your story and posts. I to am a surviror who has no contact with her family. They all know the truth but chose to stand by dear old dad because he has the financial gain they all want. It was hard to let go of the anger and the hurt and then the lonlyness. Everyone has family and i had none. Then i married and still had none because my mother i law considers me less than worthy of her only son.
Therapy was a life saver. It has been 18 years since i have seen family. But i am stronger now than ever. I made family. not in blood but in friends.
stand strong and do not let people who have chosen to become the bullly instead of the loving supporter tear you down.

Thank you so much for that- it really helps to hear from others who have had the same experience (not that I would ever wish it on anyone) so at least I know i'm not alone. I just found out about some counseling options and am going to follow up on them- i am so glad to hear you are now stronger than ever- that is my biggest hope for the future & so i really appreciate your comments. I wish you all good things.

check with your local hospital. some offer short term counseling for free or on a sliding scale. Also contact your local womens shelter. They often have thrapist on site or those that they can refer you too. There you will find many who have been thru what you have. simply knowing you are not alone is a huge part of the battle.

I keep searching for "Me" in these stories but nothing ever fits. Of course there's lots of anger and the desire to payback ...but it's like scratching in the dark. Odds are your probably going to injure the wrong person and that's going to re-inforce many peoples opinion that your a whacko.
Lets turn the tables and TRY to be objective. The reason many of us feel like crap we blame on the abuse (rightly so). Many blame the abuse for failed relationships, inability to hold jobs or distrust of anyone who wants to get close to us. In summary ... we are ******-up.
Using this logic then why do many of us have a "double standard"? I mean ... look at what you know about your parents history. Are your parents screwed up because their parents were ******-up? Why do we excuse our selves because of abuse when God only knows how they were raised.
I'm not condoning their behavior ... their abuse is no more of an excuse to do what they did then if you did something unacceptable . We are expected to be in control of ourselves, no mater what.
I know hating and paybacks simply adds to our problems ... you will never get accountability from someone whose whole life has been lies , manipulation and abuse. Most of us are intelligent ,so why do we expect something from a person that is impossible for them to give? It only continues the abuse.
All you can do is to shield your children and yourself from the perps. Don't teach your children about hatred or you continue to pass along dysfunction to them. Let them know the wages of abuse are loss of the very thing they cherish ... love of family.
Perhaps it doesn't sound like enough but it's all you can do without wasting more time getting revenge ... the time you wasted is their time, time you can spend loving them rather then teaching your kids how to hate.

Just my two cents Thanks

Wow- you are everything this site is NOT about. You are judgmental, rude & assuming a hell of a lot about me. When you're hurting it helps to talk about it- you let yourself feel the pain and then you move on from it. Since it has only been 1 year i am still dealing with it. The site says respond w/ authenticity, support and respect- if you're going to respond by tearing someone down then, imo, that makes you an abuser- part of the problem, not the solution.

I fail to see how "I'm tearing you down". What is it that you want? What would help you recover? Your Dad's gone, he's dead and hating a dead person has no value.
Please don't try the self pity BS on me. I was raised in a home where abuse was handed out regularly ... I discovered a long time ago that if your down , no-ones going to help you, in fact they will take advantage of your position and screw you some more.
I'm certainly not going to kiss-your-butt and tell you what a rotten hand life has dealt you. That goes without saying. You were abused, now ask yourself what am I going to do about it. What can I do about it?
Don't jump on my *** .... have you ever walked though you door and saw you sister hanging? Did you ever have your mom take you to your grand fathers so he could stick a **** up your ***?
I was only trying to have you help yourself ... If you had the power to resolve your abuse ...what would you do. My guess is that there is not a ******* thing you can do and there never will be. You will never hear the words .... I'm sorry, because he is gone.
I'm sorry for your anger, but I have more pity on your children(if you have any) They may grow up paying a debt they don't owe

I don't know where you're getting your information but like i said, you sure assume a lot. my dad is very much alive and i still know i'll never hear, 'i'm sorry.' i'm ok with that. Actually, you remind me of him- pompous, arrogant & incredibly rude.

I here tend to believe the truth in both of your stories. Painful stories. Both of you're hurt. Both of you have gone through a lot. The one difference is how you are handling the aftermath of it. I don't see sikkpupp being arrogant by trying to imply that you should feed your children with love and understanding. You can't change the past, you have to work on your present and your future to never have anything in common with your past. Once you cross that bridge, once you become larger than life, once you forgive, hatred will disappear and you will seed nothing but love and respect around yourself. Your grandparents made mistake, its your turn to do different and not make the same one with your children/grandchildren. It's not your fault you been abused but it's your fault if you teach your offspring to continue living with hatred and disrespect in their hearts.

This is (your comment) very deep. I see where you're coming from. Similar teaching I heard many times from my dad: the best punishment to the abuser is to show him a "love"; of course quotation marks are here to express that's really not love. When you give back good to those that deserve bad, that confuses them. Also, that implies you're intellectually strong enough to understand. Molested Youngsters/Children/Siblings did have no choice but to abide with he family abusers at the times. Growing up, their best option were to learn why they were abused. There is never morally justified excuse for any abuse, but when we are grown enough to understand the underlying reason why abuser was horrific person, then we approach the ultimate option to forgive. Victim will never forget, but forgiving is achievable. Forgiving will help us move on. That places us as a strong link from then on in a chain of families who were dysfunctional before we came to the World. We start a better tread. Our children do become the first in our blood history to function normally. In a way, in the end abused reaches its victory.

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