Trying To Find Hope And Move On

[This is a repost from the "I was sexually abused" group, but I also want to share my store here as it fits in both places. I hope this is ok]
I think this is my first time telling my sorry online - even though I have commented on other people stories in the past. First of all, sorry for my bad english. I was molested by my father when I was 12-13 (lasted about 1-2 years). He is a pretty smart guy and never did something quite compromising. He always "attacked me" in a misleading way and I think that's the worst part of the storry, because it sometimes made me feel crazy. Before this started, our relationship was not a normal one, he would often scream at me and insult me for random reasons and I was living in fear. He had a way to treat other people like he was some sort of narcissistic monster. When it first started, I was with my mom watching TV. He came home late, a little drunk (like he always used to do) and came into the room. He hads a sleezy look on his face. I was lying on the bed and he put his fist between my legs, close to my intimate parts, but not touching them. I was frozen with fear. I wanted to pull my legs away, but I felt like any movement I could do would mean my legs touching his fist (it's hard to exaplain) so I just laid there frozen and scared. I know there was also something else he did that day (because I used to think "he did *two* weird things") but I can't remember what it was, I guess my mind blocked it. My mom was there and said nothing. Another day, I was playing at the computer (we had guests and the room was full). He came behind my back (I was sitting on a chair) and he put his hands on my belly and carresed (is this the right word?) it from front to by back, basicaly "drawing" a circle around my waist with his both hands touching me slowly, with the same sleezy look upon his face. I was again, frozen. He did this in front of the guests (I guess other people didn't watch, they were minding their own bussiness) but it somehow made me feel even more humiliated. As I said, he was a smart person, he knew how to block me. What was I supposed to say? "why are you touching my belly in a weird way?" He had all the alibis in the world - he would have said "would I do a thing like that in front of everyone?". There were very few times when he touched me when we were alone, I guess he was afraid that I would speak and he would lose his alibis. One time we were alone, he caressed me from the knee down there, stopping just before reaching my intimate parts and sqeezing. Another time we were having lunch with some relatives and I was sitting near him.He would caress my back without anyone looking, in a sexual way. This "small and innocent" carreses would go on and on, as well as remarks about me reaching puberty and sleezy looks and compliments when I would were something tight. I would lock myself in the bathroom and cry. I was feeling dirty, guilty and I thinking I would have prefered to die instead. Telling someone never felt like an option, first of all because I never had a clear argument against him (he never touched my breasts or my intimate parts - and I sometimes wished he did, just so I can have a clear reason to blaim him!). What was I supposed to say? And to whom?My mom never defented me in front of him and she was pretty cold. Plus, she treated him like a king.
I never had any privacy. My parents were not sleeping together; my mom was sleeping with me and she woulnd't let me sleep alone, except if a girl friend of mine came to sleep over. One time, I was in bed reading alone. And he came and sat on the bed next to me and started slowly to reach for my intimate area, moving his fingers like he wanted to tickle me or something. I got mad and I said "what are you trying to do? are you trying to touch my ....?". Just in that second my mom came in the room and he turned to her looking surprised and smiling like he only wanted to make a joke and I was talking it so badly. After that, he never tryied to touch me again. I was already avoiding him as much as I could so our relationship was very cold. After going to college(in a different city) and therefore getting away from them, I bacame more daring and self confident.I was at the best college in the coutry and that kept me busy. My financial situation was ver bad, they decided to buy a big house for themselves (actually he wanted the house, and my mom never said "no" to him) while I barely had money to get food. I remember watching Good Will Hunting and being hunted by the "it's not your fault" scene for a long time. I had the revelation that it wasn't indeed my fault and that set me (partially) free. I decided that it's time for me to talk. I told a few close friends and they were totally supporting. Then I told mom. I was very scared and I didn't know how to start. I told her that I was molested and then I froze. She asked me "by father?". I said "yes". I was like she knew. I told her the first time he did it (the scene with the fist between my legs when she was around). She said "I remember. You were wearing that green sweater. But he wasn't molesting you, he was just being funny,you know that he likes to joke" . So she did remember what I was wearing ten years before on a casual boring evening when my dad was only joking?! And I can berely remember what I was wearig yesterday! Anyway, she told me that I'm exageratting, that I was confused because it happened a long time before. Then I confornted him. He told me that I'm a weirdo and that I'm crazy and that my mind is playing tricks on me. I was very exausted with this story so I just prefered to be alone for a while. Then they started to act like nothing happened. I eventually started to play along, but it felt wrong. I started having anxiety attacks and depression. I felt like I was the loneliest person on earth and that no matter how loud I would scream nobody would hear me!
Meanwhile, I was very focused on my career and after finishing college I got accepted by my dream company and moved to USA to work for it for a few years (i never wanted to move completely out of my home country) Being away helped me a lot, I could finally start to achive some peace of mind.But the trouble continued. Now that I had my dream job and I was making money (while my parents, moving to one of the biggest houses in my home town, were starting to get in debts) my grandma and cousins started to tell me (one my gandma even yelled at me) that I should send money back home to them. This filled me up. Not only I get molested, ignored, neglected, but now that I finally have enough money to live a decent life, I have to give that up because they want a rich life style. I guess I needed this reason to stop talking to them, as the abuse was a hard topic to start again. So I stopped talking to them. It's been almost year.
I'm 24 now. I've been coming back to life, but it's not easy. I want to go back to my home country in the near future and there are chalanges.There will probably be family events (with my cousins, aunts etc) and I don't want to go if my parents go. I feel like a have two choises :
1. keep being the black sheep, the "bad girl" who stopped talking to her parents for no reason at all (current situation) or
2. tell them what happened - and I feel like I might start a stormy situation that I don't know how to handle.
I'm thinking more and more to pick "2". I want to tell my cousin but I currently lack the courage. I had a friend of mine telling me that I would better not return to my home country in order to stay away from all this, and I got so angry! Why would I "throw the baby away with the water" ? I'm beggining to be very sensitive to people around me giving me stupid advice like they know better.I just want someone to tell me "I believe you" and "you are strong".
I guess what Orwell said is true “Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as to be understood.”
I wish all the best for all the survirors out there and I hope we will all find peace of mind. Might God help us to be stronger!
BlueCloud88 BlueCloud88
22-25, F
4 Responses Jan 17, 2013

You are a survivor. You are strong. You don't need the poison of your family in your life any more. Move forward. Cut them out of your life completely. It's not selfish. You owe them nothing.

i am sorry for your experince

I hear you!

Your English is pretty developed id say! I'm sorry that your father used these sick tactics on you, and I'm sorry your mother wasn't strong enough to acknowledge it. You are strong . You are alive and blessed and you have every capability you need. Thank you for sharing your story and I hope you know there's nothing wrong with telling the truth even if someone doesn't believe you . Stay true to you !