I Was About Five.

I have no idea how old I was exactly. Might be four, five or six. It did not lest long. Not my entire childhood. I was not physically harmed either.

He always came when I was asleep. My more than eight years older brother. I do not believe it was me who made him sexually aroused. He was just a teenager that only started to explore his brand new sexuality. If anyone is to blame it likely is my father. He should have been more supportive and protecting.

I see myself lying in my bed. Warm, in my favorite red pajamas. My brother crawls into my bed and I wake up a little. I remember I felt glad that first time. My brother, normally a pestering bully, in my bed meant he was there to love me, to hug me and to comfort me. Just like my three year older sister sometimes did. I could use that because I often felt too small, too insecure in his presence.

He took my hand and I had to touch him in his aroused state. I had no idea whatsoever it was. It felt too weird and I did not know what to do. I tried to pull back my hand but he made that impossible. Afraid as I was I did exactly what he wanted me to do. Just as long until he slipped out of my bed again. Leaving me behind, totally unable to understand what just had happened. Disappointed too, because I knew this hadn't anything to do with love.

I do not remember he told me not to tell. It might be I instinctively knew. Fact is I never did.

From that point on I made my own needs always inferior to those of others. And I did that for the rest of my life. I finally ended up in an abusive marriage for almost twenty years. I never spoke up. I was in this world to fulfill the needs of others, no matter what. It took me decades to realize I did learn that when I was about five years old. It is very unlikely I will be able to ever change that again.

When I got older, in my later teens, ****** was more in the open. I did at one point consider to speak up... But I decided not to. I was not physically nor sexually harmed. I did have emotional problems. Already as a child. It just did not came to my mind it had something to do with the above story.
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1 Response Jan 21, 2013

Thank you for sharing your story. We as survivors are ingrained with so many effects of what has been done to us. It's like what was done to us effected everything. Because it did. You were too young to have to know what any of that was. It's not fair that we have to live the way we do because of what was done to us. I know for me personally, I felt very tricked and confused. I still feel that way. When it was happening I felt guilty and was afraid to do anything or not comply for fear that my abuser was going to hurt me.
I'm sorry that you had to go through this.