So This Is Wat Was Bothering Me

im a closet lesbian ,34 years old ,married with a child.well i was 14 when i realised that im a lesbian,the day i saw her the first time i feel madly in love with her ,which hasnt changed even after 20 years im attraxcted to this girl ,what do i do next,try my levell best to friend her ,even if it were on a pretext of being in love with a guy,i lie to her tat im in love with a guy and tat it might not work ,tat im depressed and i really need help,and help she did and tat had become a reason for us to be close we spoke to each other almost everyday ,to an extent tat i had to continue with a lie ,so i could get constant attention from her.this went on for yearsshe went to differnt school ,but i still wrote her letters and shell reply me back.

                        then we went to same college.and it happened in our first year college trip,we used to chat a lot share everything bout our life,but most of the time i resorted to lying as i thought that ,it would sustain her interest in me.we shared a great chemistry. in the trip we used to sleep next to each other and 1 thing led to another and the next thing i know we were kissing each other fondling,trying to explore each other physically,god the pleasure that i experienced then can compare to nothing id ever felt before(till date)i was euphoric ,i wanted time to stand still.i just couldnt believe this was happening to me,i was crazily and hopelesssly in love,it was as if im drugged to insane happiness.but like all good things thr trip ended.after we were back we got to gether a couple of more times .but then all of the sudden she began distancing herself from me,we never spoke bout what had happend between both of us,the y s or hows.all of the sudden the physical touch just disappeared,i was confused going mad but lacked the couarge to ask her,scared where she might just completely disconnect from me,but somewhere in my mind i was always hoping that shell come back,how can someting so nice end so abruptly ,itll have to fall back in its place.she loved everybit of wat we shared physically so how can she stay in i told myself to hang on,just be thr for her ,so years went by..even thoughshe didnt avoid me completely i could sense that wat had happened between both of us ,is going to remain a permenant block in our communication .anyways after college was over she got engaged ,it just killed me that afteralll it is all true she s going to be married and gone forever from my life,after all the notions that i had tat everything will fall back was just the lie i told myself,just like the lie i told her to get her attention.i so wanted to confess to her bout those lies ,i wanted to tell her that i did so only to get her...........that i loved her like crazy,that irrespective of the conservative society  that we come from ,ill stick to her if only she could say a yes,ill fight the society,but just like the way my life went on i shut  myself up,i knew confessing to her will only make matters worse ,shes straight and i was just an experiment and shes very happy to be married,so just like that oneday she got married and was gone .she setteled in states.after that itried to cut down on staying in touch with her,eventually i got engaged too and married a guy from my community.i told myself tat just like how she moved on i too will,once my physical needs were satisfied ,iprobably wouldnt think bout her anymore.or so i told myself ,deep inside i only thought bout her every kiss with my husband ill compare with the kiss i had with her ,every touch every physical proximy was compared and it never felt the same ,i could never ever get over her ,those feelings the pleasure  the pain they were all a part of me.

       inspite of the burning desire to get in touch with her i still avoided it,she visited india after a few years we met infact we even made a trip together,but i could sense that she was being extra careful,scared that i might try to get close to her physically,it was killing me to be so close to her and yet so far ,i felt like asking her did all those things tat happened in clooge meant nothing to her ??but stoped short so as not to spoil the the only thing that connected us ,the she went back.after 4 years of marraige i had my carrer goign great guns ,yet i was empty,i wanted so badly to make it work for my husband,he loved me ,he trusted me,but i could never feel the same.when i came back i decided to put an end to this ,idecided to have a child,so i got pregnent,a year after i was blessed with beautiful girl child.i kinof sobered out a little with responsiblity.or so i thought,ill be alrite during the day but nights were lonely,it was like i lived 2 i just wrote a mail confessing  that im a lesbian to my friend,ofcourse i did not tell her i still had feelings for her,so we got back in touch,she didnt have much suggestion to offer though ,wat could she say i would never leave my husband i can never find a partner outside marraige here ,was no hope for me.i just needed to suck up and find happinees in the small blessings of the life.

   but atleast getting back in touch with her atleast gave me this satisfaction that shes a part of my life again ,ofcourse i can never have anything physical with her be the person im most crazy about ,most fond of ,is atleast a part of my life ,and how many people geta chance like i stayed content with visit india every once in a while well plan gettogether among common friends ,so much so that i realised i was just waiting or rather counting down the time that she would come here,just so i can see her,and while she was here ,seeing her would make me miserable,alos i kindof of found her to be a bit rude toosometimes(or i dont know if it was me expexcting too much from her)last year when she came downwe planned another trip togehter with few other friends,we did have a good time, but just as i said earlier i felt that she was being rude to me for no reason and it effected me greatly ,so much so that when we all were drinking ,i just drank a bit too much ,so i dont feel the way i feell aroud was a crazy thing to do,as i spoit it all for her and the rest of my friends,they had a hard time handling me.while i was drunk i was so ready to tell her that i crazily in love with her,that she doesnt leave me ,that she held me,but i didnt.

         anyway after the druken episode sense pervailed in me,i decided at last confessed to her that i love her and that i can never ever get over it in my life ,so its best for me that i stay away from her ,that i abstain ,that istay no longer in touch with ever since i distanced myself completely its been nine months now.i would say that im doing a good job here,it really took a lot of load of my chest once i confronted with her ,with the truth and with her out of my life,im able to focus on other things in life,i started running to run away from her but not its kindof become my passion,did my half marathon,will want to finish 1 full this year.

khwaishwatever80 khwaishwatever80 31-35, F 14 Responses May 10, 2012

Your Response


very emotional...

your story is so emotional i got tears in my eyes. only a lesbian can understand this feeling. we all seem to be in similar situation, our true self.. and rights blocked by conservative, judgemental society.. i'm a bi.. i've had the inkling but have never experienced a woman, but thats what is in my mind when it comes to thoughts of intimacy.. now after my divorce, depression and survival and doing everything that was expected from an indian girl to keep her family and society happy, i've made up my mind to claim my life and live my life.. i'm 30 , in a few years we all will be dead and gone and the fact is that this is the only chance to really live our lifve and go back happily...i dont know how and where to start.. how to make a move, neither with men or women..but i'm now stubborn about not being submissive and shy and have hopes that sooner or later i'll get to live my life the way i want it..

hello i know how hard it is to get over somebody, atleast u confessed your feeling towards her.... Good luck!

Hi Wat i may suggest U may not like it .......

But i feel u shud look for another woman..... Who can understand ur feelings and share physical moments too...... This may help u reduce the thoughts abt the woman u love and want so much...........Atleast will help u live in peace........ Please do share ur thoughts abt my suggestion.....

hi, thanks for sharing your story. like you there are many women out there in india who love women. i am one of them. i want you to know that there are organisations around in india run by and for women attracted to women and those who are born women and feel they are actually men. i have been closely connected to one of them. the name of the organisation is sangini (I) trust. sangini runs a helpline: +91-97 17 677 152 (tue and fri, 6 to 8pm, confidential, anonymous and free of cost) where you can share your feelings. please note, this is not a friendship helpline or sex-hotline it is a counseling helpline. you can also google the organisation, follow them on twitter and join their fanpage.

Hey your succeeding quite well here just hang tight and you shall completely move on..
Stay Happy always..


I happen to come across ur comments on one post.........And thats how i came across ur profile.....

U are in groups where its for women who need women lovers Am i right....... I am a guy who has a bi gf..... And i wud like to know more abt what exactly U looking at.....

I understand how u feel...

I FEEL for you GIRL!!

You are in a Difficult Situation.., are you BOTH still married?? Still have the same FELLINGS for each other??

Hello! you seem to be in a difficult situation. I can totally understand. let me know if you want to connect and chat someday...

Hey...i knw ur pain...even i am in the same situation...but i am still single..i cant compromise and get trying to find love again...lets see..what will happen....if you want to write me...i am always be

hey ,nice to know lesbian from india ,who is not ready to get married to man(u must be coming from a very liberal family then)but getting married to a man was not a choice tat i had,coming from a very orthrodox backgound ,i didnt even know if i had a choice,and not like i i have a choice too now,but atleast i can sit here and do this talk to like minded people like me,i really wish u all the very best in finding some1,but still im curious how on earth do u go searching for any lesbian in a country like india,so which city do u live in??

hey...u knw wat...i am also from a very traditional family and i am from South living in chennai...its not that where we are coming from..ofcourse we need to adjust with the society but i prefer to be what i like and when i knw clearly i cant be happy with a man then i should not waste his life wanted to by myself and i am on my own..well..still i dint get my life partner..and i am searching for one..

just curious ,when u actually find ur partner then wat next??wat would u do move in with her ,tell ur parents u r gay???anyway me dont want to sound bitter!!!i really wish u find some1,and i hope ur indepent too ,theres no other way u can live a kind of life ur aiming for

Things off the chest. You confessed.Thats really good.You must be feeling light hearted by now.Your feelings for her will always be there but good thing is she is not oxygen of your life,so you can still breathe.Live this life to the fullest because living worth more than crying.You are blessed with a beautifull daughter,be happy for her atleast. She is gone & please move on. Ease your heart from her memmories,you will surely find another path.

i guess u do make sense and this is exactly i tell myself everyday hopefully my pain will end soon.....but irrespective of whether i get over her or not ,the fact remains that im never ever going to be truly happy,i really wish i had the guts to go find some1 for myself ,funnily i dont even know where to seek

Love is a beautiful thing and we all long for love. But I would want to EVER love somebody as much as you loved your friend, especially if the person doesn't or is incapable of loving me the same way.<br />
I know how hard it is to get over somebody, but it seems you are doing a great job right now. Keep it going. Good luck!

i know its crazy .....i really wish i could get over her ....wish it was tat easy....thanx anyways