So This Is Wat Was Bothering Me
im a closet lesbian ,34 years old ,married with a child.well i was 14 when i realised that im a lesbian,the day i saw her the first time i feel madly in love with her ,which hasnt changed even after 20 years now.so im attraxcted to this girl ,what do i do next,try my levell best to friend her ,even if it were on a pretext of being in love with a guy,i lie to her tat im in love with a guy and tat it might not work ,tat im depressed and i really need help,and help she did and tat had become a reason for us to be close we spoke to each other almost everyday ,to an extent tat i had to continue with a lie ,so i could get constant attention from her.this went on for yearsshe went to differnt school ,but i still wrote her letters and shell reply me back.
then we went to same college.and it happened in our first year college trip,we used to chat a lot share everything bout our life,but most of the time i resorted to lying as i thought that ,it would sustain her interest in me.we shared a great chemistry. in the trip we used to sleep next to each other and 1 thing led to another and the next thing i know we were kissing each other fondling,trying to explore each other physically,god the pleasure that i experienced then can compare to nothing id ever felt before(till date)i was euphoric ,i wanted time to stand still.i just couldnt believe this was happening to me,i was crazily and hopelesssly in love,it was as if im drugged to insane happiness.but like all good things thr trip ended.after we were back we got to gether a couple of more times .but then all of the sudden she began distancing herself from me,we never spoke bout what had happend between both of us,the y s or hows.all of the sudden the physical touch just disappeared,i was confused going mad but lacked the couarge to ask her,scared where she might just completely disconnect from me,but somewhere in my mind i was always hoping that shell come back,how can someting so nice end so abruptly ,itll have to fall back in its place.she loved everybit of wat we shared physically so how can she stay in denial.so i told myself to hang on,just be thr for her ,so years went by..even thoughshe didnt avoid me completely i could sense that wat had happened between both of us ,is going to remain a permenant block in our communication .anyways after college was over she got engaged ,it just killed me that afteralll it is all true she s going to be married and gone forever from my life,after all the notions that i had tat everything will fall back was just the lie i told myself,just like the lie i told her to get her attention.i so wanted to confess to her bout those lies ,i wanted to tell her that i did so only to get her...........that i loved her like crazy,that irrespective of the conservative society that we come from ,ill stick to her if only she could say a yes,ill fight the society,but just like the way my life went on i shut myself up,i knew confessing to her will only make matters worse ,shes straight and i was just an experiment and shes very happy to be married,so just like that oneday she got married and was gone .she setteled in states.after that itried to cut down on staying in touch with her,eventually i got engaged too and married a guy from my community.i told myself tat just like how she moved on i too will,once my physical needs were satisfied ,iprobably wouldnt think bout her anymore.or so i told myself ,deep inside i only thought bout her every kiss with my husband ill compare with the kiss i had with her ,every touch every physical proximy was compared and it never felt the same ,i could never ever get over her ,those feelings the pleasure the pain they were all a part of me.
inspite of the burning desire to get in touch with her i still avoided it,she visited india after a few years we met infact we even made a trip together,but i could sense that she was being extra careful,scared that i might try to get close to her physically,it was killing me to be so close to her and yet so far ,i felt like asking her did all those things tat happened in clooge meant nothing to her ??but stoped short so as not to spoil the the only thing that connected us ,the friendship.so she went back.after 4 years of marraige i had my carrer goign great guns ,yet i was empty,i wanted so badly to make it work for my husband,he loved me ,he trusted me,but i could never feel the same.when i came back i decided to put an end to this ,idecided to have a child,so i got pregnent,a year after i was blessed with beautiful girl child.i kinof sobered out a little with responsiblity.or so i thought,ill be alrite during the day but nights were lonely,it was like i lived 2 lives.so i just wrote a mail confessing that im a lesbian to my friend,ofcourse i did not tell her i still had feelings for her,so we got back in touch,she didnt have much suggestion to offer though ,wat could she say i would never leave my husband i can never find a partner outside marraige here ,was no hope for me.i just needed to suck up and find happinees in the small blessings of the life.
but atleast getting back in touch with her atleast gave me this satisfaction that shes a part of my life again ,ofcourse i can never have anything physical with her be the person im most crazy about ,most fond of ,is atleast a part of my life ,and how many people geta chance like that.so i stayed content with this.shell visit india every once in a while well plan gettogether among common friends ,so much so that i realised i was just waiting or rather counting down the time that she would come here,just so i can see her,and while she was here ,seeing her would make me miserable,alos i kindof of found her to be a bit rude toosometimes(or i dont know if it was me expexcting too much from her)last year when she came downwe planned another trip togehter with few other friends,we did have a good time, but just as i said earlier i felt that she was being rude to me for no reason and it effected me greatly ,so much so that when we all were drinking ,i just drank a bit too much ,so i dont feel the way i feell aroud her.it was a crazy thing to do,as i spoit it all for her and the rest of my friends,they had a hard time handling me.while i was drunk i was so ready to tell her that i crazily in love with her,that she doesnt leave me ,that she held me,but i didnt.
anyway after the druken episode sense pervailed in me,i decided at last .........im confessed to her that i love her and that i can never ever get over it in my life ,so its best for me that i stay away from her ,that i abstain ,that istay no longer in touch with her.so ever since i distanced myself completely its been nine months now.i would say that im doing a good job here,it really took a lot of load of my chest once i confronted with her ,with the truth and with her out of my life,im able to focus on other things in life,i started running to run away from her but not its kindof become my passion,did my half marathon,will want to finish 1 full this year.
khwaishwatever80 31-35, F 14 Responses 3 May 10, 2012