Water In The Desert...

yesterday I met 2 girls that I didnt know previously. I completely stepped out of my comfort zone. They asked me If they could come look at my apartment because they were contemplating moving here. I said yes which again is completely unlike me. So they came up and we talked for maybe 3 hours about God. He has been sending me messages and because my mind is in disarray I haven't been able to comprehend them. We discussed there issues and my issues and found that they were going through some of the same things or either had went through them prior. I had been asking God to send me my "Eli" (biblical) to help guide me some. I am typically the person who guides every one else through just about everything but as my husband always says "nobody is there to save superman". With that being said, I was given instructions on what my next move is which is actually where I began with God which was prioritizing my life again. When I am out of wack everything crumbles such as the house and my kids have no routine. For me that means something bad is going on because mentally I can't function with my house not being in order. I have been feeling like heavy in my chest. I am married and my husband dearly loves and help out with the kids but there are 5 of them and we are clearly out numbered..lol...I feel like those who we are there to help refuse to help us out just some time.. Maybe I'm wrong but it seems like ppl are sub-consciencely punishing me for having the amount of children I have. They gave me stories about a friend of theres who have 7 kids single parent and that made me feel better not because she suffers also but because she is making it. The most important message that they came to deliver which I believe was God sent is to "let go". My mother has always disliked me since I can remember. I don't understand why, I just know that she favored my brother more who ( love him dearly) was a drug addict and a thief. So trust me when I say I def felt low growing up because in my mothers eyes I couldn't so much as live up to the standards of a drug addict. Everything he did was better. I am an artist but in her eyes he was a better artist. Honestly I'm creative on many levels but he was more creative and athletic. So as you see even though we had a 19 year difference I still had to live up to my brother of which I failed. I am short and dark skin and my brother is tall and light skin. I was often called names from my dark skinned mother. I know funny right? My dad was an heroin addict and his dad worked in a high position at a construction company. All of these issues with in me have been the reason to my failures and my heart ache. I needed somebody to show me that its not just me who has been through this. I needed to be told to move on. Being told that placed water in the desert because it shows that God is listening and watching. It shows that he approves of my final decision to let go and to just merely stop chasing a wind (my mother) that I will never catch. It tells me I was right all along that she doesnt love me the way a mother should. But finally it set me free because I know I can finally stop trying. Thats my water in the desert if you are in a desert place and are in need of water God will send it. If you have a story to share about water given to you just when you thought you were going to " dehydrate" feel free to share....
AzulSkii AzulSkii
22-25, F
2 Responses Sep 6, 2012

reading your story I can identify with so much, especially about your mum favoring your brother, mine too. I always felt inadequate, have always tried so hard, ..until recently it dawned on me.. I was more concerned with peoples opinions of me..than my own opinion of me.. and I realised that this was MY problem......no-one else. I would catch myself thinking would my parents/ friends/ someother approve when I was making a decision, those type of thoughts invaded everything....until the day I stopped taking peoples opinions and comments on board....the same with emotion.....if I read about a person suffering I would start to cry.....now, I tell myself....this emotion/ feeling/ comment is not mine...let it go........and I imagine it passing by in a solid form... and do you know ....it actually works. <br />
You are on the right road though I'm sure, because I now am in my fifties, and when I look back at rough times, I can see that something always came to help when I needed it, I think because I always sort of knew it would, somehow that I can't explain.So whatever your faith may be, ....have faith in yourself....because you are amazing,

I'm glad you have a higher power to believe in. Considering your background I would have needed a strong belief in god also. It's hard to build a strong, stable house on wet swamp land, but I think you have the spirit to do it and you're an inspiration to the rest of us.