But I'm Miserable...

Here I am, the INFJ who is broken, damaged and can see no way out. I knew it was for a reason that I was so passionate about psychology, it fulfills me to help others, I can easily identify someone who needs my help, my insight, my advice ... But guess what? I was about 16 when our whole class had to go through "professional orientation" assessment. I remeber the psychologist asking me what would I like to be "when I grow up", so I said I wanted to be a psychologist too. AND HE LAUGHED HIS ARSE OFF!!! He humiliated me, crushed me, said I was neeeeeever good enough to even dream about it. I ran out crying and didnt even get my "official" results... Now I really regret not telling him what I thought about him. I COULDVE been the best psychologist in the world, if only I had heard at least one encouraging word out of that bastard. With his help I've derailed in life and never become anything at all. I'm hating it. Sometimes I'm in need of some professional help myself nowadays. I dont like being like a sponge - absorbing everyone else's feelings, problems and making them my own. I think if I was ever given a chance to study what I wanted - I might've learnt to create some kind of emotional barrier at least, so Im not so involved with everything around me. Then I dont like having a glance of someone and immediately knowing that they're not a good person and my gut telling me to avoid them at all costs. For that I'm constantly accused of being racist, sexist, homophobic, ageist and so on. NO, I AM NONE OF THOSE. I just know who you are without ever knowing how do I know it myself - CAN I PLEASE GET A ******* BREAK????? Its not my fault I'm surrounded by insensitive, greedy, consumerist, blood-sucking leeches who I dont want to have anything in common with, really. Im not anti-social, I'm anti-idiot. By the measures of this sick, rotten society I've even been branded a sociopath - hahaha... Then the other group of people who surround me as well are the ones who need me. I have a kind heart, I cant say no. If I cant advice or help, I at least listen. And when I listen - it always gets to me on a level that is just unexplained. It pulls me in without a way back. Why cant I keep things out of my heart? Im so tired of all those damaged people who, without knowing or meaning to, damage me even more every time. I dont want to be the lone soldier anymore, I know very well that this world is not gonna change in any way in my lifetime and I simply dont want to even be part of it. If not my beautiful kids Id be so gone out of here. Its a gift that I have, I know. But its unbearable. I cant relate to absolutely anyone, I am so damn lonely. I dont have any real friends - never had any. Never met a relative soul, with an exception of my first love... And I dont know how to deal with it. Its killing me slowly, but surely.
moonlightam moonlightam
26-30, F
5 Responses Sep 6, 2012

What are your favorite things to do with your free time?

You don't anyone! You have yourself !!! You want my advice ?! First find that a****le's facebook and write what ever you like! tell how a****le he is. Then enter psychology college. don't tell that you can't because you're old and etc. Yes you maybe not be that young that you used to be then, but still you have time. Which one do you prefer: Spending the remaining of your life being what you're passionate about (a psychologist) or spending it feeling sorry for yourself and then dying sad ?!?! I guess you have to make a choice ! Btw stop being sorry for yourself, past is in the past, think about now and future. In one word: Get over it and try to enjoy the remaining days of your life the way you want it to be!

I love your quote - ' I'm not anti-social ....I'm anti-idiot ' .... brilliant !!!!.....believe me you're not alone, I feel just like you.... I sometimes feel I'm just a life raft that people cling to when they need me, but then when their problems are sorted they go off, and just leave me deflated.....a used life raft... And I hate idiots too....which isn't helped by the fact I don't drink, so when I'm having to socialise ..( which I hate ).. I get bored witless watching idiots get even more idiotic and repetative after they drink....and they have the cheek to say I'm boring cos I don't drink...... Anyhow, one thing that I have learnt from being INFJ is the comfort in knowing I'm not boring, or anti-social, or screwed up or any of the things that idiotic people have muttered at me, I'm interesting, because what makes me tick comes from a deep place inside, I'm not shallow and I don't follow the crowd and I'm not going to change because I like it that way, I believe in three things- ME......MYSELF.... and I .....if I really want something, I go out of my way to focus and get it....it may take time...but hey....that comes free ! ........what I'm trying to say really is..... if you really want to get your degree.... go all out to try and get it....have a degree fund jar... tape the lid on, and cut a slit in the top only large enough to put the money in.... even if its only 'pennies' or 'cents' ( I don't know where you live ) the feeling that each time you put something however small into that jar will mean you are on YOUR path to where YOU want to be, it won't be quick, but hey... you'll be on your way. Oh....that rhymed. LOL xxxx

haha, thanks :) I must say im feeling a bit better since writing this, because I found a place where I am understood for the first time in my life - infj forums :) been drowned in that for almost a week and still hard to believe that Im really not alone in thinking/feeling that way :) theres a link somewhere in the comments below - if you wanna join :)

And as for studying - I will never be able to afford it, whenever I try to save up for something, something really essential breaks down like a fridge or a washing machine, and I have to start over. The biggest luxury I have in my house is a laptop. I cant say im distracted by those luxuries at all, I am one of those women who can go past a diamond stall and not even turn my head towards it at all. Even if I had money, nothing would change. But I can barely break even with what I have, so saving up for studies would take at least 4 lifetimes for me and then I still couldnt afford childcare or food while id be studying. Just have to learn to exist without any purpose i guess.

thats a great shame, because with all your life experiences you could help so many others, and you write so well also, thats a gift xx

Does being an INFJ just get worse? Does it have high points, that I am unable to see?

I dunno, havent lived enough to answer that... I remember one good feeling in total that happened to me - it was love. But the first time I was too young to appreciate it and didnt yet know how hard will it be to find someone like that again. The second time Im still suffering, because I cant let go and he wont hurt me to help me let go. He doesnt care. I guess I am yet to find out if its possible to break such bond without his input. Or maybe I'll be just stuck in love with him forever.

also - check this out - http://www.infjs.com/forum.php?referrerid=6117

it is helping me tremendously at the moment

Yep sounds like me and what I am going through now. I feel like I am in a state of depression...any who I'll tell what God is trying to teach me to keep me from this dangerous spiral I get on every time. You can help but guard your heart. Give ppl the advice they need and after leave it alone, stop coddling ppl!! Don't continue to pick up the phone and if you do direct the conversation some where else because you have already said what needed to be done and getting on there spiral down is not healthy for you. Thats not being selfish its being smart. My so called friends when they are going through won't even pick up the phone. Also we have a tendency to hold on when you know its time to let go . Idc how long you have been in each other lives. Seasons end not always good ,it doesn't matter why it was just time to end. I come from a abusive home, I never heard anything encouraging. This is what God is trying to teach me, ENCOURAGE YOURSELF.. Why? because if we don't learn to do this even if you reach your goals somebody else will come and knock you down emotionally again and that peace you aspire to have will never be achieved. I'll tell you what God told me...of which I have yet to do... #find peace and follow it... Who ever not with peace..not with you.... Go to school... can't so the campus life..go online.. get an associates and transfer it for your psychology degree...Mind you I am learning this also.. But I know that God has already given me instructions..I hope these instructions help..

id love to go... but i cant. Its too expensive, I cant afford childminders while Im learning, let alone the tuition fees... And I never WILL have the money for it either, as my morals and feeling of justice prevents me from "making money" out of other people's misfortune...