Can You Really Ever Define A Spiritual Zephyr?

I really needed some time to reflect on "My Story" and have actually been trying to write my story prior to ever finding this site. I feel like my story reads more like a fantasy or fictitous work than reality. At the age of about 5 or 6 I had my first "spiritual" experience; I saw a giant warrior Angel descend from above and stand before me. It was a warning which I passed on to my mother, who obviously thought I had mental problems. I never talked about my Angel again to anyone. In 1996, my ex-husband shot me; prior to the shooting my intuition was screaming "beware, beware" and I dismissed it; a mistake which nearly cost me my life, however, I had another encounter with Angels, or as some say, a Near Death Experience. Actually, things were revealed to me during those precious few moments of being shot, that I had NO WAY of ever knowing, which, in fact, saved my life. As a teenager, I was seemingly plagued with "spiritual" experiences. My parents truly thought I was crazy. I will say, however, that when I was taken from ICU to a private room in the hospital, after being shot, my Mother brought a book up to me titled "Angels". She just left it with me and didn't really comment on the book, it was just a gift, or so I thought. Later, when I was alone in my room, I opened the book to read it and on the inside cover my Mother had written: "I still remember your first Angel! Love, Mom". I cannot even express the importance of that tiny, symbolic gesture from my Mom. At last, I felt justified in some strange way. I had been given, at the least acknowledgment, and at the most encouragement!

Through the years, I have struggled deeply with conflict; I detest it! Yet, I seem to be surrounded by it. It feels like I am surrounded by vampires and I am a delicacy, here only to satisfy their hunger! Sick hunger! I seek peace and paradoxically, find people in distress and with the deepest of desires to help them, I end up in distress in my effort to bring them peace! It is difficult to be in this place.

As a mother, I feel almost overwhelmed by my desire to protect and nurture my children. I have even discovered that sometimes, when I'm fighting the hardest for my childrens benefit (especially my teenage children) they oppose my efforts. Am I overprotective? Counterproductive? It is hard to distance myself from being emeshed so deeply with my children and in their lives. The struggle is, for me, knowing when to let them experience anything bad or painful. Is pain really necessary? As an INFJ, I am sure my definition of emotional pain is quite different from someone elses. I know they need to face their own struggles to grow and mature, but I cannot move beyond the screams from within my soul to save them and protect them!

I also struggle with silently removing myself from the lives of others whom I feel are "bad". I may not even have any "proof" of them being "bad" and yet I cannot move beyond my intuition that something is wrong. I commonly have this saying pop into my head, "something wicked this way comes". I use to question my sanity when this would happen, but now, through much experience, I can say that something deep within me knows a storm is coming, even before the skies darken and the winds begin to blow. I wonder, is the dread experienced before a storm cloud appears worse than the actual storm itself? Because of being told repeatedly throughout my life that I overreact, am hypercritical, am flightly, or cynical I began not to trust my own perception of reality and would seek others' advice about life situations. Of course, I did my self a great disservice for years by doing this. It made my family feel they were intelectually and mentally and spiritually superior to me. My sisters, who are very level headed and matter of fact and I now have no contact because they say they cannot deal with me. Very painful. They never really even got to know me and my love for them is so deep I cannot reconcile with the emotional pain of being rejected by them.

I have also learned to "act dumb" so others can give me their glorious bits of wisdom and advice concerning how I should act, respond, or be. The fact that I soared in college and academics was very threatening to my family and others. My little sister actually told me one time, "you are so intelligent its scary". What was that suppose to mean? It was painful to hear that and it made me even more determined to veil my intellect and personality. I am actually exhausted from all this pretending to be who others want me to be. Its dull! Its painful! And worst of all, it has proven detrimental to my psyche and soul!

In my experience life is cruel, painful, heavy, and tiresome! I see so much potential and want to be a light in this dark place; and yet, here I sit. Possibilities are everywhere and in everything. Why do so many people reside in the superficial and tangible? Why not define a zephyr with our spirit? Can you really ever define a spiritual zephyr?

Well, that is part of my story! God Bless each of you.

joy41 joy41
36-40, F
1 Response Sep 13, 2012

I believe in listening to that inner voice even when it makes no sense. And in the past people have told me dont do this or that but I still didn't listen and then I regretted it and I wished I would of. So now I take what people say into consideration but there are people that I guess just need to learn on their own from making their own mistakes. Interesting your sister thinks you are scary because you are so smart? Great that you did well in school and that you are intelligent. I think its great you wana help people but the thing is...some people need to learn to help themselves too. Otherwise some people just take and take from you and drain you and get you involved in their drama. So I've learned up to what point to help others. You can only do so much. It gets to a point where the other person needs to put their part to change their situation. I've learned to give people that are negative their distance and sometimes leave people that complain and are unhappy in their situation alone. Sadly sometimes its people that I care about like my mom. I love her but she puts herself in the situation she is in so I see and talk to her once in a while but I try not to let her get to me. I have a 12 year old...I talk to her a lot and tell her about some of the mistakes Ive made and the consequences and encourage her not to make some of the same mistakes I've made. I cant see any spirits but believe they exist...I dont think you are crazy. A lot of people are close minded thought and dont believe in much anymore unless they see for themselves. I hope you can find people that accept you as you are and that are positive and encouraging :) Thanks for posting.

Thank you Surrealreality! I really do struggle with not interfering in others lives to keep them from hurting, even if they a constantly doing it to themselves and even me. It is something I really want to work on, though. I am ready to move beyond always sacrificing myself, though I don't know how right now!

If you dont take care of you....who will?
Take care of you.
I send positive thoughts your way :)

Thank you so much for the encouragement! I will take your wisdom with me an your positive thoughts. Thank you.