This Personality of Mine is Both Amazing and Confusing: The Ramblings of a Crazy INFJI spend a lot of time alone. It can be a problem sometimes, especially since most of the people I know think that it means there is something wrong with me. It's not that at all though. It's just that when I socialize a lot, I need an equal or greater amount of down time to be by myself with my own thoughts. I love being this way a lot of the time. I love the complexity of my mind. I love thinking about all manner of things and because of that fact, I am rarely ever bored. I listen to music and I paint, which are both things that allow me to escape into some kind of alternate reality. I have all my best thoughts, ideas and emotions in those moments it seems. I sing by myself because it feels good; not because I want to impress anyone or aspire to be a performer. It's my own little thing.
I go for walks just for fun and I usually feel like some old soul in a young person's body because of that. I just like the solitude; the peace and quiet; the sights, sounds and smells of nature. I don't do the drinking and partying thing like everyone expects that I would for some reason. I guess that's part of the reason that it's so hard to make good friends. It's also why my sister has called me an old cat lady lol (and my father of all people told me I need to get out more). I spend a lot of time on the internet too. Not because I don't like to talk to people, but because I love learning things. I love looking up things on the internet. I have an endless curiosity and the internet has endless answers. I am always trying to figure something out. It's like i'm on a quest for anything at all and when I reach the end of it, I find something else to take its place.
I have so much trouble connecting deeply with people though. I usually like 99 percent of the people that I meet, and I think they mostly like me but I rarely connect with them in the way that I would like. They seem too shallow or something. They also don't see the true me. They see my polished public persona which is mostly composed of my silly side.I'm constantly searching for those special people who embrace my weirdness and all my convictions and opining. People who don't get freaked out when I start discussing really deep topics. People who love laughing and fooling around as much as I do and aren't judgmental. The people that I don't feel awkward to be myself around. I cherish those kinds of people because I have found very few of them so far in my life.
The funny thing is this. I love people, but I don't go and see people. I don't visit friends like I think I should. I always just think how much I like talking to them when I see them. I don't think they can possibly understand how I can appreciate them so much without seeing them at all for weeks at a time. Most people would see that as some form of rejection, but I never mean it that way. I just can't handle socializing like some people can. It's like I have a saturation point for socializing. It's like trying to balance a chair on just two of its legs. I also just have this weird way of reasoning. It's not really reasoning I guess, it's more like just knowing what I do and do not want to do. If someone suggests something that I should do, I can shoot them down immediately without even knowing why myself. I just get a feeling I guess. It makes it impossible then to explain to people why I do or don't want to do certain things. I have my core values and I know my comfort zone. Those two things are very important to me. If either is compromised, I feel like i'm gonna implode :P It's too bad really, because I've always wished I could be more daring and extroverted. People always seem to like extroverts more and they also seem like they are always just living life to the fullest. I've been told time and time again that i'm wasting my youth doing nothing. It never feels like that to me until someone brings that up. Then I feel a sense of urgency and an inability to do anything about it. Something always prevents me and then I feel like a failure at life. I always think that I'm the only one in the world like that. Lately I've been realizing though, that there are far more people that think and act like me than I initially thought.
Anyway, this isn't so much a story as just a rambling unorganized essay of musings. It's a look at how my brain works. This is seriously exactly the kind of thing I will think about when I lie in bed at night. I'm always imagining how I would explain my existence to someone. I guess because I always wish I could. Most people won't let you ramble on for as long as I just did without falling asleep or losing all interest. Who cares right? This kind of thing is probably the sole reason that I never seem to get enough sleep haha. Can anyone else relate? (If you read that entire thing I just want to say that I love you lol and I also apologize for the wordiness but flowery wording is just another thing that I love)