I Want to Make Friends.


When I was 13, my dad gave me a book titled “How to make Friends and Keep Them.” I was so upset from what had happened. I had been friends with someone for about five years. She seemed upset so I said, “A penny for your thoughts.” She looks at me and yells in class, “A penny for my thoughts? Who says that anymore? That is the stupidest thing I ever heard!” At the time we were sitting together and I just felt like melting into my seat. I wanted to be her friend and help her but instead she embarrasses me in front of everyone! I was so upset. This always happens to me I thought. (For years after this, my family would go to people’s houses for dinner and picnics. I was alone. I would sit with the people who were supposed to be friends and they wouldn’t acknowledge me or talk to me.  And when they did, it was always some rude and hurtful remark. I hated going to these things. All I wanted was some good friends.) This is when my dad gave me the book. “You used to be so good at making friends. I remember in kindergarten, you had so many friends you didn’t know what to do with them. What happened to you?” That was exactly what I was thinking. Fast forward a decade and a half and I still am having the same problems. Last week my fiance and I went to “game night.” Unbelievably I had a great time! But all the other people there were already good friends. I tried to talk to them but they already had plans with each other and inside jokes and whenever I would say anything, it wasn’t the right thing to say. I have moved to another town and I have no friends here. I don’t know where to go to make them or how I would go about it. I really wanted to get to know those people that night but it seemed no one wanted to get to know me. I am getting married next week. This is very exciting I’m sure, but when making the guest list, I realized that I really only have very few friends. Few people I let in, few people to hurt me. If I do let someone in, they almost always hurt me.    
BoraBora BoraBora
7 Responses Feb 28, 2009

I used to feel that way too sometimes, mostly in my childhood and teen years - I was always different and felt like I couldn't fit anywhere. But later I developed a lot of confidence and learned to see myself as unique and take pride in being different.<br />
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I learned how to make other people's rudeness backfire at them, too, and even how to make them look stupid when they cross the boundaries. Learning about psychology was huge help in all of this, and so was my INFJ intuition. People have always stared me and they still do - but now I know that they are staring with fascination :) my friends sometimes even tell me that they're fascinated and puzzled with my personality.<br />
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I mean, just remember Eric from True Blood - he's definitely an INFJ type (introverted, intuitive, complex) and it only makes him even sexier. <br />
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us INFJ's are awesome.

I would just like to add a huge "YES" to the post above me. I completely know what you are talking about, with the hermit-izing and loving people, yet still having an intense desire to be alone.

We need a group hug.<br />
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I have a really hard time as well. I internalize things that are said and then I hold a grudge. I have a few close friends, but it is so hard to keep them. <br />
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I would have to say the biggest reason is that I would rather be alone. If I had the choice between going to a movie night with the girls or staying at home and watching a movie on tv - I find that I would make excuses to not go to movie night and would be perfectly happy at home. I have some friends at church and they always do things as a group and it drives me nuts. It is so exhausting. But when I go to lunch or the movies with just one at a time I am okay and tend to open up a little easier. So I find myself only on occasion doing things with just one at a time and never joining them for their weekly nights out. I put myself in that situation and I then feel like an outsider because I do not have the same experiences to share. <br />
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It is a constant cycle and then also I tend to hermit-tize myself and lose contact with friends very easily because I just dont take the time to make the effort that I should - because again as much as I may enjoy being aroun a certain person and doing things with them and being their friends, I would still rather be alone. <br />
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I fight that urge all the time, because I also know that being a hermit is not good for me. I have that need to be needed and if I am not around people then I am not needed.

I'll be your friend. :) <br />
I too want to have true friends that I feel comfortable letting in. When I do get close to someone it scares me. I have a few close friends that are dear to me. <br />
And I recently got married....mostly family were on the guest lists, and only a few friends. But I would rather have a few, than a bunch of fake friends, ya know? <br />
I want to give you a hug! :)

I can so relate to that- my primary school years were pretty much hell too. Every tiny little detail that shouldn't mean anything just eats you inside... and you wonder whether they meant it or not.

It is hard, I tend to find that I, personally, do worse at making friends when I'm trying. (Perhaps I always pick the wrong sorts?) I feel really blessed that the people in my life at this current time do the trying. They try to include me and ask me why I sit by myself instead of joining everyone. I know it's different for everyone, but my only comment (and please take this with a grain of salt) would be to not try too hard and just let friendship happen. If someone doesn't accept me (not neccessarily "understand" but just accept) I don't want them as a friend, you know?

I remember my parents coming home from parent/teacher conference saying that the teacher said all of the kids liked me, but I knew even when I was 7 that there's a wide chasm between "like" and "understand". I'm still have great difficult finding people that don't look at me strangely after talking to me for five minutes. The hurt is real for me too.