Being An Intp Woman

I remember reading a study that said INTP women are the worst-viewed out of all personality type groups, but I chose not to dwell on that.
But, as time went on, I realized it is hard, very hard, to be an NT woman.
I get called beautiful all the times, yet men never approach me. True, I'm not exactly thrilled by the idea of having a relationship, and never was, but I still need to feel "human" every now and then.
People never seem to get me, and they jump to all these false ideas about's been going on forever, since kindergarten.
I'm just not used to expressing myself. I'm all brain.

I'm just not the outgoing, extroverted type, in fact most times I'm about 99% Introverted. I feel socializing is so draining that even a night out with the girls, just getting a drink and having a chat, is extremely draining.
I've been called absent all the time. Or bored..which, well, I tend to be, I admit. It's because I lose patience very easily when it comes to actual life experiences. Meaning I'm more interested in spotting the patterns of life around me, than actually living.
I have felt this way since..forever, but people, even my family, pressures me to be different.
My mother already told me countless times that I "don't know how to live", that I'm too inhibited(again, everybody seems to think I'm inhibited, when, in fact, I just don't care about stuff..) that I need to relax and stop being so serious etc.
I don't get people. I just don't. I don't understand why I should avoid looking at the truth. Or looking for the truth.
I'm only going to be alive for a short while, and all I've wanted, since I was 5, was to find answers to my questions, to know the origin of species, to understand the laws of the Universe..anything other than that seems like a f.u.c.k.i.n.g waste of time, but, then, I had to go to school, through that prison of dementedness and falseness, where I felt like basically, as a woman, becoming an intellectual would be the path of most work and least admiration, and possibly more pain, as you'd have to deal with arrogant, self-obssessed men who won't even take you seriously.
I don't think my so-called "close ones" realize that by saying things like "grow up, get a boyfriend" or "you're missing the point of living" they only make me feel worse, much worse.
I'm so tired of always having to repress my true self, of feeling like I have to apologize for not caring about relationships, or having kids, despite my age(turned 23 this week), and tired for apologizing that I am completely in control of my instincts and emotions, and trying to reassure people that I am still quite capable of deep passion and empathy, despite the fact that you will never see me lose my temper.
Also, I think my looks are just a major handicap. I'm not even that beautiful, I'm no model, I'm short and plump, but have a pretty face which made some people even call me a "baby-doll type"..I am not even sure what the hell that is, but definitely don't like the sound of it.
And people who have criticized me for my apparent lack of joy and passion never stop to wonder that maybe I feel empty and bored all the time, because I feel like when I go after the things I REALLY want, I get told it's crap, and I should grow up.
Even my own parents have looked at me with suspicion.
I've always wanted to study something related to natural sciences, like bioengineering, or even veterinary medicine, but my parents didn't care.
They wanted me to "make my own money" so I ended up studying economics, which I barely graduated, after delaying graduation by one year because I still had exams to take.
And I hated the field, totally hated it. Maybe I am childish, but the thought of wasting my entire life working at a job that just "makes money" makes me wanna off myself right now.
I just cannot work at something I don't care about and pretend to be happy...ok, dunno, maybe I'm overreacting, or dunno.
The thing that ****** me off the most is people who just don't get it. Some people look at me and think I'm sooo ungrateful.
I could slim down and be even more beautiful, and I'd have all this attention..great. What is the point of attention, if I never get WHAT I WANT, which is to continue studying and asking questions about everything.
Also, that I will "find peace once I find "the one" and get pregnant!!??-this is probably the most retarded and infuriating line I have heard. I have heard it more than once.
Ok, let me at least explain myself this once..on why I think this is retarded..I don't even know where to begin.
No.1 How in the world can anybody give birth to, and raise a sane human being if they have never gotten the things THEY wanted out of life, in the first place. Or even worse, never had the courage to go after them? What the hell will I tell my kids?? Life sucks, I saw no point to any of it, but, well, I had you because I was lost in my life, and needed something to take my mind off my REAL interests???
No.2 Marriage is crap. Maybe it is just an NT view, but, to me, it's simply not enough..I have waaay too much brain power to spend most of my time trying to "make someone happy" or "creating a blissful home"..
No.3 I think that by this age, I know myself enough to say for sure that marriage(or even love) was never part of my life plan, and NO, I do not think a life lived as a single, with no kids, is a waste. Ever heard of Jane Austen?
No.4 I'm only gonna say this one more time, women are NOT more instinct-driven than men. "Quenching my thirst" on an instinctual plane does not shut up the voices in my head(figuratively speaking, voices, of course..)

MantisReligiosa MantisReligiosa
26-30, F
50 Responses Mar 15, 2012

Idk if it's surprising or not, as an intp I don't know why I'm not that interested in physics or any other natural sciences. I'm more attracted in studying humans, though I'm so effing frustrated why I never get them right. And, of course it is possible that an INTP has an introverted intuition, but have you guys thought about that? I mean, I'm pretty sure I have an introverted intuition, which is maybe why I rarely get my theories (about humans and their relations) right...? Idk tho can you give me inputs?

And seriously. I'm an intp, but despite the fact that I think most people are so pointless, if you see me one day, you might not even know that I'm an intp. I mean, yeah I often have my heads in the clouds, and like 70% of the times I will not even know what you're telling me, but seriously, from outside, some even say I'm an extrovert because ho I dont really have many 'friends' some that are close to me said that I'm so expressive etc. The only time I need to be alone is when I need to think. And really, like, you guys are thing like, ALL the time? omg. Maybe you are. In fact, I'm 80% sure I have an introverted feeling (with the usage freq. percentage less than the frequency of the thinking one).

ok I mean I'm blabblering, but most of the times, it frustrates me that people never get my idea. And everytime I want to check my ideas, like whether my ideas have logical flaws or smth, people never get the ideas themself that they start giving me inputs about something else, and I be like.......'oh ok. Thank you'
Or, even if they do, they never give me the 'right' inputs since their inputs are based on things that already exist. I do know what I mean right?


I'm an INTP female but I feel I've grown to be more than that. I am more than a personality label, although most is true I have been able to grow and get in tune with my emotions. And I think you're right. It's especially difficult being an INTP female because you're always a braniac and want to think about things and life. I've always been that way and will always be that way. I'm grateful I've found someone who's close to an INTP enough that I can have deep philosophical and spiritual conversations and it doesn't feel as if he's merely impressed with my intellect since he can hold his own on conversations too, which I absolutely love. It's true though that he can be an "every man" as well but for some reason that doesn't bother me much. I've actually had very stimulating conversations with him and with it I can also talk and ask him questions about human interaction and get a real psychological response.

Perhaps it's with growing emotionally and focusing on recognizing one's own emotions and feelings that I have been able to better get in tune with them, thereby being able to express my bottled up emotions with someone I trust.

Yes, socializing is a both a bore and a drain on me but I can be gregarious when it comes to dealing with individual people. However, I know I have grown and realized that a personality type never always take into account every single quirk, idea, behavior, or attitude of one's self. And so I've lessened my grip on labeling myself an INTP even though those are my initial personality. But I have found that by lessening the labeling of myself I have been able to enjoy life and expressing myself more. So I will say to all INTP females: perfectly okay being able to think because the men and women who are attracted to it will be the ones who enjoy and appreciate you for you, thereby letting yourself go from the worry and anxiety and frustration of being a thinking personality type. It is also okay with being able to express one's feelings as I believe that INTP and especially INTP females repress their emotions and feelings for the sake of being able to think on an intellectual level. We are all human. We all feel and think at the same time. I have realized that our emotions and feelings affect the way we think as well as our thoughts and ideas affect how we feel. It's perfectly all right to feel. And that both are required to be healthy and live a good happy life. And being happy or being depressed is an emotion. And many INTP's do feel it, we simply don't realize how to recognize it yet.

For me, I have found saying the mantra of "I am me. And I love who and what I am. I choose to be who and what I am," tends to open the doors for me to fully experience all of human experiences, emotions, and thoughts. So I will say this: I am more than an INTP personality type. I am me.

I am not an INTP woman, but as an INTJ, I wholeheartedly agree with your post, and I felt you have truly expressed everything I want to in there. Similarly, my family viewed my pursuing abstract reasoning, truth, knowledge and literature as an inconsequential hobby, an unrealistic occupation, a waste of time. Various times I have sunk into depression when people do not understand my trains of thoughts, my motives, my ambitions, and gave the ****** advice, "You will grow out of it", acting as if all of these things are a result of my teenage hormones. I am battling to exist as my true self every single day, and not to fall in the grasp of social expectations. It is true that the process is a difficult one, but I find it worth fighting for. I also do not find marriage appealing, given the fact that the world is overpopulated, and hence, it is illogical to bear more children while there are various children who do not have parents. I realize how much similar we are (my parents want me to do economics, too, but I insist on psychiatry and creative writing). In any case, I hope you hold on to your true path in life and just **** everybody else who say otherwise. We are going to live once and we are not going to let other storm over us.

Im an intp female and reading this makes me really grateful for the culture I was raised in. Though it's tough being different, I went to a small all girls religious high school where everyone was seeking truth. I turned into an unofficial mentor there. Another bonus is that I was setup with my husband when I was 20 cuz that's how we do it. I was the first girl he dated. Now we are happily married with 4 kids. He is an esfj! My life revolves around passing on my values and truth to my children. Reading the comments I'm really appreciating the nurture I got with my nature.

I am an INTP woman in my early thirties and I was preoccupied with the same amount of dissatisfaction and angst throughout my teen years to mid twenties. I've obtained much more clarity and a sense of direction with my life at this point and feel much more at ease with the choices I've made. I wonder if it's the same for other INTP women or INTPs in general- that once they get through their twenties they feel much more at home in the world?

As a male INTP, I think ALL INTP's have to deal with the same crap that you did. I know I most certainly did, and other INTP males I've met have as well. Fun fact, I've never actually met an INTP female in person. Such a rare personality type.

I love reading articles by female INTP's. Everything you said resonates with my feelings- and I am feeling such an immense sense of relief knowing I am not in fact a "borderline sociopath" as my ex of 6 years described me. I made the mistake of getting pregnant at 18- which was NEVER a part of my plans- I never wanted children as long as I can remember. I love my daughter don't get me wrong- but I know it is absolutely a different kind of love than most parents experience. The first year after she was born was a terrifying and confusing time- right from the moment she was born. The first thing I felt when I was handed her? Nothing. Not dislike, not love- indifference. And that scared the hell out of me. I have grown to love her more as she has gotten older- but I remember the sleepless nights, the crying, the breastfeeding (was nearly emotionally traumatizing for me- I could only do it 3 weeks) having this human with all these emotional needs I was required to attend to and understand- it was horribly overwhelming for me. Even now, she is 5 years old, and is a very emotional kid. I realize in theory that there is nothing wrong with this- but it drains me and confuses me on a daily basis. I have NO maternal instinct. I try my hardest to do the BEST I can- but at the end of the day it has to come from advice, reading or people telling me how to do and handle things.
I was in a 6 year relationship- a very emotionally and occasionally physically abusive one. I stuck through it FAR longer than I should have (another INTP characteristic). I never got the hang of fulfilling his emotional needs adequately- as has been the same in every relationship I've been in. I am not an affectionate person at all by nature- I need to be told to do things like this. I can't figure out when someone is angry or upset with me. I can't figure out MOST human emotions- they have evaded me since childhood. Even my own- I have no idea how to appropriately express my feelings or emotions when I have them- so I always come off as "cold" or "uncaring" when that is not always necessarily the case.
Anyway I could go on- it's nice to meet you all! ;) :P

^^ I think I have a twin, or maybe just another poor soul is living a parallel existence :)

I'm a teenage version of yourself. Nice to meet you, older twin. ^_^ I'm not old enough to have gotten some of the crap you got, but I know it's coming. duh duh duuuuh...

Oh my gosh, never have I ever felt so understood. Finally someone gets it; female INTP's constantly swim against the current and soon enough our weariness gets to us and it sucks.

------Also, that I will "find peace once I find "the one" and get pregnant!!??-this is probably the most retarded and infuriating line I have heard.-------

This resonates :) It made me laugh, thank you. I got the same message from my family. And at the time I knew they were as incorrect, about me specifically, as could be. Although a deep fear of uncertainty awoke in the pit of my stomach. I trusted, though, that if just the idea of it, at that time, in that circumstance, makes me unhappy, it cannot be the right choice for me. However, I did not eliminate the possibility that in the right circumstance, when all fits, I feel unconditionally loved, and I love unconditionally back, and both are fully available and egolessly willing to adapt to each other, to tune into each other, be mutually attracted to each other, more than to others, then it would be worth it.

This has been so great for me to read! I have felt the exact same things with my family, going through elementary, etc. I may be slightly more extroverted or just able to fake it.
As you wrote this awhile ago, do you have any different perspectives that have formed in these past few year?

I got into a technical university later that year, I've just started my 3rd year a month ago, I think I've gotten a little bit better, still not any relationships, so I still feel some stigma because of that(I'm 25) This electronics field is better than economics, but still not exactly my great passion..still, I hope I'll get better at it, and hopefully get a decent job when I graduate.
I actually tested INTP a few more times in various tests, since I've started having doubts since But I tested only a mild preference of N over S last time...either way, results may vary based on mood.

Sorry, but what I read was too much whining and drama... Are you sure you're inTp? An intp type just move on and don't care about what society and their parents think or say about them. I'm intp girl and I want get married, so I will marry. If I didn't want marry, I just don't. Simple. Don't care what people think about marriage (for example), just do what you want do and **** off people.

LOL, yes, I am very much an INTP. INTPs are not emotionless, contrary to popular beliefs, I've spent most of my life repressing emotions, and I'm done wasting my energy on that.

LOL, yes, I am very much an INTP. INTPs are not emotionless, contrary to popular beliefs, I've spent most of my life repressing emotions, and I'm done wasting my energy on that.

Hey, that sounds like Fi (Introverted Feeling). You sure you're not an INFP? INTPs actually do care what society and others think about them (due to that inferior Fe), however not as much as a more prominent Fe user. Cheers.

I agree. The OP sounds very INFP to me as well. I think lots of intellectual INFPs mistake themselves for INTP. Way too mawkish. Wasting energy on repressing emotions sounds like someone trying to fit in a mold where she doesn't belong.

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Thank you so much for sharing this. I can relate to so much of what you said. Being female and INTP also, people never really understood where I was coming from. I was coming up with theories since I was 5. I questioned my parents religion and that started my life off on the wrong the foot. My parents didn't like that I didn't accept their religion without question. And 40 years later, I still face their contempt. I've always wondered why I suppressed my intelligence. Your post helped finally put two and two together, thank you. I feel like an alien born in the wrong place and time, but even with the extreme loneliness that settles in every now then, I will not change who I am.

I'm an INTP woman. I have always felt out of place. Been called: (negative) unemotional, not excitable, absent minded, day dreamer, unapproachable, selfish, awkward (positive) creative, unique, innovative, brilliant, funny, soft spirited (idk what that means lol). I love to think, I am not people needy they drain me, I love to have intellectual conversations. I love to read and research subjects in my free time. I have a constant need to improve something, whether it be myself or work or family. People don't get me, I feel that lol. I learned to keep a lot of ideas to myself. I am a natural observer. Love to unlock the unknown. I wonder if my bday has anything to do with this personality type. I'm really into astrology and numerology. My bday is Aug 7 btw. Oh yeah, I'm random ! :)

If OP is still there, this person sounds like a textbook INTP.

I'm also an intp girl and I don't know when I think back to being really young my parents told me I would be the one running up to the other children and talking to them and asking them "Wanna be friends?" and asking a bunch of questions. And I was like this through pre K to 5th grade. When I went into middle school I got allot more introverted and that doesn't mean I'm shy I've never been shy if something catches my attention I'll speak up but usually I honestly don't care about what people are talking about. I'll usually just listen. Also I get called pretty/beautiful all the time but nothing ever goes further than that and I guess that's because I don't want it to. I always get awkward around guys and if I start to develop any kind of feelings for one I totally get weird-ed out and push it to the back of my mind, unlike some of the people I associate with they always have a guy strung around their arm like an accessory. I've never been in love and with old relationships I just got annoyed at them and couldn't reciprocate the feelings.

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I can relate to your frustration. I can relate to all of what you said. Only I'm not a commerce student. I'm in arts. n I'm from India n 18 years old. I sit alone...I use people for my homework bcause it's boring and then It's awkward again talking to them or seeking help from them again. All guys have that awkward eye-contact with me. So I used to wonder a lot about it that why do all guys want to cheer me up. Then I understood, I'm serious,mature and I have trouble interacting with others. If I'm into one room with a stranger(guy), Even if the world ends, I won't speak 1st. Same with the girls.
I experience this a lot. But always comfortable n confident with people I know well or who know me well.
For me, understanding the world n universal facts is lot more easier than understanding myself. It's taking me ages to find out who I actually am.
My family has to face my extreme superiority complex.
And I have to face their dumbness for exchange. I have an elder brother though who's an INTP as well.
He's a life-saver as we both understand each other n have great conversation.
MARRIAGE is what I hate in this world. *Settle for less* *adjust a little* lacks logic.
I don't think about things enough to care about em'.
I don't care who likes me, who doesn't.
It's never about others. It's always about me.
I'm self-obsessed & selfish. Always looking for knowledge.

I'm a 15-year old intp female and I can relate to pretty much everything you said. I've experienced much of this with people from my high school. I have very, very few close friends, and they all say that I'm very serious and closed-off, because when we get in groups and talk, I rarely contribute. I instead just stand and listen to everything that everyone is saying, occasionally speaking up when someone says something that I disagree with, and then we usually have a lengthy debate over who is right. People say that I'm beautiful, but I usually just wear a T-shirt and jeans and wear my long hair loose to school, because I simply don't care about whether or not I look attractive to guys. All of the guys in my school are stereotypical, horrid pigs who view girls as sexual objects and it infuriates me. I do extremely well in school and since kindergarden everyone has viewed me as one of the smartest people in our grade. Not that I'm complaining, of course. I've taken many meyer-briggs- type personality tests over the past several months and gotten intp for all of them, which must be significant. I've also been studying up on intp behavior and found that I can relate to nearly everything that's been said. Since intp is one of the rarest types for females, I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to find any more women like me, which is why I was so relieved to find this post. I am, however interested in finding love, but I don't go out looking for it. I'm content to just let it find me. Maybe thats just the teenage hormones talking, I don't know. I do know, however, that I fit the image of the perfect "Tumblr girl" (I'm relatively small, thin, I like Starbucks coffee, I have long, golden-blonde hair, etc), which I suppose is why people are surpised to find that I have no difficulty in school, I get high A's on tests I don't study for, I have a college-level reading level, I do well in Math, English, Science, Art, Choir, and basically any other subject that takes my interest, I enjoy psychology and the science of the mind, I'm a skilled debater and relatively good at speech-giving, and other things of that sort. I feel a lot of stress from my parents and family members to be kind, gentle, conforming, traditional, but I resent living that way, especially being told what to do by people that I feel aren't fit to be in a position of authority. Sorry this has been so long and I've been pretty much ranting, but I just feel so much frustration at our society today and how we're being told to be ourselves, but when we begin to show who we really are, if we don't fit other people's image of how we should be, society rejects us and tells us to change. I despise it.

I'm only thirteen, but I can relate to almost everything your saying. I don't read at a college level but I do well in school. I'm an INTP women and I'm happy about it. Most people at my school think I'm weird. I don't have many friends but I have a few. I don't like to talk a lot but I do a little. I go through most of the problems you do too. Going to a dance is too much social interaction for me. I also hate it when people say I should change! Agh! At least I'm not like all the other kids that talk about some inappropriate stuff I can't say online. And one thing I cannot stand is when men seem to only appreciate women's for there private area's! Agh! Again! I've been told I'm the prettiest girl in school. I'm not sure if it's a blessing or a curse. I get hit on all the time and it feels more like harrassment! Anyway I know how you feel. Just like you I do plan on dating when I get to be old enough. I would like to get married and have kids too. Everything will work out for you, and every other INTP person!

I feel the same way all the time. The world around me is so boring and then my attention is grabbed but once the thing I'm doing becomes boring I get cranky and irritable. I'm growing up in a family with two ESFJs, a ENFP (I think) and a ENTP. So my mum and little sister are my polar opposite, my older sister feels like she was my polar opposite and my father is like me but extroverted. It sucks sometimes.

I'm the same way. And I feel tremendously bored and empty all the time because I feel like I've always been encouraged to do things which are against my nature. I like sciences too, but I so much catching up to do because of all the **** no one taught me when I was in secondary school ostensibly because I have two x chromosomes. I'm constantly asked whether I'm gay and my parents keep bugging me to start dating again, but my experience is that most dudes just want to bone me and are typically too misogynist to imagine that I might be capable of or interested in having a real conversation. the only jobs I can get hired for are those far below my competence, and bosses are like way shocked that I have absolutely no interest in the work.

Darling, like a classic INTP you are really overthinking this! I'm also a INTP girl doing commerce and I think it is a great way to impact others' lives. Look at the ups and downs of our economy- don't you think they impact billions of people all over the planet? Being a consultant or adviser will be a great thing.<br />
<br />
My mother is a ISFJ and father a ISTP. Sure we have hour long arguments that may end in tears, but the thing is they love you. <br />
<br />
That'll always be the most important thing.I was really introverted and sarcastic during my teen years, but after some experiences (which I will not bore you guys with) I realised the importance of being warm and candid. As they say, fake it till you make it. As a result, I've had much more friends and close relationships than my tiny 12 year old self could have imagined.<br />
<br />
I guess my point is to not lose hope: your personality, your education and your past experiences don't define you. I wish you all the best in the future.

As for the 'fake it till you make it' I've learned it the hard way when I was 12. I'm the brainy and the awkward one in our class and these guys bullied me throughout my grade school years. I decided to 'socialize' a little bit with others and it worked. Right now, I have many friends. They loved me for my weirdness and even encouraged it! Hahahaha

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I'm an INTJ. To say that I over think things would be an understatement. I get the struggle you're going through and as empty as it it may sound. You're not alone. There are others out there the problem is that that people like us are rare so you'll have to look through a lot of crap to find others who would love to talk about philosophy, and utopian possibilities, origins and apocalypse. I found a few here and there, but lost them over time. Remember we are out there. Thousands of us. We all just need to find each other and imagine what we could make of this world....

Sometimes I'm an intp and sometimes I'm an intj. Very strange, I've taken the test at different times of the month and I get different responses. I think it has something to do with my hormones and how they effect my personality. Ha, very strange. Out of all the tests I've taken I usually get intp. Crazy thing is my husband is an entj. He being an extrovert and brilliant has actually made me believe in myself so much. I've always been a free thinker and have prided myself on having my own mind, but I always doubted my intelligence and would keep things to myself. Now that he's in the picture I can't shut up. It's so interesting how the right personality type can bring the best version of yourself out. It's nice to see other girls out there who are intp. They are so rare and hard to find. I only have a couple of very close girl friends and they are my husbands friends wives. All well educated, funny and competitive. Their husbands are also strong male leads at work. I'm curious to see what personality type they are.

you should look into cognitive functions. An INTP is very different from an INTJ. mbti is fallacious, go to the source.

another intp gal here, only recently really did the whole myer briggs things and keen to see what's going on with other (rare) intp ladies! I wouldn't say that I don't want a relationship though, I do want to fall in love, I just never have and worry I am incapable....yeah.... I feel like I need someone who is a very good intellectual match or else it ain't gonna work. Have not had much success with anyone I've seen in the past, the only "relationship" I had felt like a total sham.
I too feel like I have limited interest in having kids, I get really frustrated by how people don't even question whether they should and it's like they do it because it's what everyone does! I wonder if it really makes people happy...well I can imagine it would be good once they were adults, but I just don't have much interest in children, I just find them annoying. I wish people had the ciritical skills to question the societal imperative to reproduce, especially in light of how the world is overpopulated, messed up and now warming up!
It's a shame your parents don't get it. I feel like my parents don't get everything, but my dad is intj, so he is quite similar to me. Some of the discussions and things I want to have get too much for them, or they get bored and things like that though but yeah my dad has a lot in common

Hey! I'm an INTP girl too, and I kinda love it. I've never been interested in having a boyfriend, or horror of horrors, marrying. I'm not too hard on the eyes either. I've kissed plenty of guys and have had a couple of (really short) flings, but that's about it. Flirting feels sort of painful, and I'm mostly awkward around guys, especially ones I don't know well. I have no idea why girls go to such great lengths to get guys. I've never been in love with anyone, and frankly, have no idea how that would feel. I know I could get a boyfriend if I wanted to (well, probably), and I'm happy with just knowing it. Besides, I could never sustain a serious relationship. I'm comfortable in my own skin, and I couldn't care less about social norms and similar ****. I guess my parents have been a great help. They're tirelessly awesome. It also helps that they think there are two kinds of girls in the world: the ones with boyfriends, and the smart ones. I don't wholly agree with that worldview, but it sure helps me a lot to be myself at home.
I guess you just have to stop caring what other people think, and the things they think are good for you. I know, I know, easier said than done. But you do know what you like, don't you? You know what makes you happy. You know what you want to do. So do it. You're friends and family might think you're a mopey monk, but so what? What they think doesn't have to define you. The next time someone tells you you aren't living life, give them an evil, you-don't-know-what-you're-talking-about smirk. They'll never know how awesome you are. You can have this whole top-secret, awesome world inside your head, all to yourself. You can be cooler than everyone else. After all, it's what you think that matters. After all, like Nietzsche said, "You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist." And if there's no correct way, and there can only ever be perspective, subjective truths, why not live the way that makes you the happiest?

I hate the idea that the only reason to date is if you're too dumb to make it on your own. what a terribly retrograde concept that is.

hi I am an intp female too. I actually do think it gets better. I am 37 now and I am the happiest I have ever been. Here's why - as intps we have an enormous capacity to analyse our lives then choose to maximise what works/makes us happy. I did this by working out what was truly important to me (in true intp fashion I did this in an excel spreadsheet under headings such as "financial" "career" "relationships" "home life" "hobbies" etc).

Once I was completely and utterly honest with myself on what made me happy and what my values were, I could focus on maximising these experiences and minimising the stuff that gets in the way. The great thing about this is that as you become happier from leading a more 'authentic' life, you become more patient for putting up with a certain amount of bullshit - eg the corporate status orientated idiots at my workplace. As its only a small part of my life, the 'bad stuff' is contained and doesn't spill over into other areas of my life.

Anyway, this worked for me and I am now at the stage where I can articulate respectfully to other people what makes me happy - no kids, fabulous intp partner, career focus, heaps of hobbies where I can learn, a quiet life, minimal drinking/partying, fabulous pets, reading, cooking etc etc. And I don't really care if people don't understand or "get me". They don't need to - I feel I have worked out my **** and am living in the way that is best for me. I feel as if I am in a powerful place in my life right now because of this. Best of luck with your intp journey :)

Haha, had I realized sooner that I am an INTP I would have been happier with who I was. People tell me all the time that I am quiet (when there are at least 3 people in a group conversing I would be the quiet one, and sometimes they would ask out right 'why are you so quiet?' If I could be insensitive as I tend to be with close friends, I'd say 'Duh, I'm trying so hard to focus on your pointless every-day conversations I got distracted, bored, found them irrelevant and forgot to speak out'). Most (if not all) of my teachers/advisers/professors would categorize me as 'quiet' or 'shy' since a very young age (being introverted doesn't equal being shy, little did they know). My mom would say that I lack the EQ because I would speak my mind a lot without considering how others would 'feel' about what I say because I think I simply state 'facts' or expressing my honest opinions and don't generally mean to 'offend' anyone in particular. She keeps forever taunting my patience by saying that I would never succeed in life according to her ideals (for example, having a well-paid job and/or a married life - bleh) unlike my more-extroverted younger sister or that I am not really as smart as others thought me to be (while my introverted dad thought otherwise before he changes his mind as I grow older). When I was younger I simply thought of myself as an outcast or an alien just because my characters seemed to set me apart from pretty much everyone else (excluding a few handful of friends who understand me by instinct). Of course, I can admit now without shame that I can 'appear to be' socially-challenged at times but to me it's very okay to be introverted and let the world know. The world DOES need more introverts and 'thinkers' like us. I am proud to be an introvert and most definitely an INTP.

I was shamed into being normal too, but it didn't keep. in retrospect, this did a lot of damage.

Im an INTP girl too, and my 'advice' is just do what you want. I want to become an evolutionary pyschologist and no matter what anyone says, that's whats going to happen. Make your life exciting and go for it. As for the marriage and perfect guy stuff, our match is an entj, i don't know if you know that or not, but the first time i read that personality description i was like 'that is my dream guy!!' I hope you go for it and become fulfilled. Best of luck, Alexa

our match is not always ENTJ...I have generally been happy with INTJ guys. But the point here is that we don't want to have to have a man to be happy, but everyone else keeps telling us that we do. That's why OP is upset, telling her "oh dont worry you just need to find an ENTJ guy to settle down with" is just part of the same problem!

" I felt like basically, as a woman, becoming an intellectual would be the path of most work and least admiration, and possibly more pain, as you'd have to deal with arrogant, self-obssessed men who won't even take you seriously." This was EXACTLY my experience working in academia. I was so excited to win a competitive fellowship and study science at the graduate level, but it was clear good ideas and hard work were not going to be well-rewarded in the long term. I left to work in industry which is the "fast-paced, dynamic environment" that INTPs are supposed to thrive in. Now I actually have a future where I can support myself. I'd recommend you try studying an info-heavy field that has industry jobs like computer engineering, IT, or medical technician work. Working in economics would drive me bonkers too, I like to see a real product of my work, sounds so familiar!

Wow, I was really surprised to the read the comments below and see another female INTP mention God (as this seems to be a rare combination...but hey, we are rare people!)

I feel such hurt inside for you because I know what you are going through and I am inspired by your honesty and bravery to be so open and forthcoming about yourself and the pain you feel. All I can do is be open about my story in return.

Here's the bad news: As I got older - things DID NOT get better. I figured life would work its self and somehow i'd eventually be able to make peace with the world, but the more and more I tried the more and more I got ripped apart. I was almost 28 years old and I had nothing to show for it by worldly standards.....except a college degree that I had changed majors so many times in I could have graduated 2 decades ago! At the end of it I realized there is still nothing that I want in terms of what society deems as acceptable. I in fact loathe those things. I nearly killed myself going after them trying to prove to myself that I could "fix" myself as if I was some disease that could be cured. Unfortunately we are left to think this way about ourselves because of the way others speak to us (such as parents especially) as if who we are is some if who we are is the result of either complete immaturity or of an intentional will we designed for ourselves that we are intentionally choosing to be like this. Its heartbreaking the damage that happens to us, damage I am convinced might even be irreparable without the strength of God.

So here I am, graduated college, applied to graduate school, SPEND 7 YEARS trying to "fix" myself into what society tells me I need to be, thinking that IF I TRY REALLY HARD, I CAN FIX MYSELF (other parental dogma in my case). Imagine my FEAR when I come to the end of this journey that nearly killed me and realize that i CANT "fix" myself and all my attempts to find a way to live in this world have failed and the only thing that I am faced with is that I CANNOT LIVE IN THIS WORLD...its impossible. I am not suited for it, and it will kill me if I try to conform to it. On the other hand, if I don't conform to it, I will end up dead because i will have no way to live, eat, etc. I looked at myself and was completely overcome with despair that my life seems to only have two roads and both lead to death. I really did have no place in this could a god be so cruel as to put me in it??

In the depth of my despair, this God who I had abandoned in my youth called out to me and showed himself to me. What he told me was that all of these things about who i am that seem to be such a mistake, such a curse, have not in fact been put there by accident, but that these are the exact things that I am called to be. Why do I feel like a foreigner and an exile on this earth? Because I AM an exile and a home is not here and there is a purpose for me way beyond all of this. Is this burden of the world to much to bear for you?...then let me bear it for you so that you can be free of it. Feel like you are not strong enough? Then I will be strong for you. Its quite a revelation to realize that beyond what we've been told, God is not one of hatred, but of LOVE. He loves us in a way that we cannot imagine and he wants us to have joy and peace in Him...not the hatred and self loathing we accumulate trying to find our joy and peace in this world.

The greatest thing about all of this has been realizing the fact that all of the things I ever wanted to do, to be, all the things I am in my core and always have been....these are EXACTLY the things I am getting to do, and exactly the person I am getting to be through Jesus Christ. I am proof of a living INTP female so burdened beyond despair by the "mistake" that she must be, and by the rejection of the world....who is now LIVING in many ways for the first time, and not overwhelmed with sadness by with the love of this God who did not her as a "mistake" but as exactly as He had made her to be and using her for His glory.

So, my friend, I say to you that there is hope, hope greater than we are able to imagine. You, yes, YOU were put here on this earth for a reason by a God who LOVES you and made you and wants you to find joy and peace in Him.

I've been on and off with the God thing all my life. Ultimately, I think all people turn to faith when all else fails, as a way to keep from going completely insane.
No offense, and all, believe me, I've been there. I still turn to "God" when I feel I'm at the end of my tether.
I honestly envy people who seem to have an unshakeable faith in divinity and the world..I've felt lost (like Moses in the desert, if you will) all my life.
But basically, like I said, I cannot believe. Ultimately, I keep looking at all, more simple explanations for why people turn to faith, or for why things seem to work out better when you believe in God:psychologically, belief is very potent. If you have a very strong, deeply rooted belief that you are worthless(something I've struggled with my whole life) you'll keep finding ways to self-sabotage, just to confirm that belief to yourself, over and over again, by some complex psychological processes:I'm not really sure, cause I'm not a certified therapist or anything, but my intuition tells me it must have something to do with how your entire personality is constructed-and how personality is fundamentally shaped by early life experiences, and the beliefs rooted into your mind in the first 120 years of your life, or so...basically, what I'm trying to say is, if you have a very strong belief that there is a God and he loves you, your mind will be totally open to looking for solutions, and, therefore, it will seem like "God listens" to your faith in "Him"; and, on the other hand, if you're convinced life is crap and everybody is out to get you, you'll end up limiting your own possibilities, through bad behavior/attitude, especially since most opportunities(basically all of them) to advance in the material world depend on social skills.
So, yeah, I turn to God because it makes me feel God, but at the same time, I realize that I'm conditioned to be comforted by faith in a higher power.
By the same consideration, I don't believe in love. I'm convinced people only "love" when there is some benefit involved.
Parents love their kids because they're going to pass on their genes, thei name, their frustrated ambitrions-in reality, they don't love their kids at all, just the part of their kids that's useful to them, that they identify with.
That's why, when you announce a 3rd generation medical doctor of a parent that you plan to become a musician, they're going to not talk to you for a while..9 cases out of 10.

sorry, I meant the first 10 years of your life, not 120.

"...cause I'm not a certified therapist or anything, but my intuition tells me it must have something to do with how your entire personality is constructed-and how personality is fundamentally shaped by early life experiences, and the beliefs rooted into your mind in the first 120 years of your life, or so..."

I don't think it's your intuition telling you this, but logic. Read Naomi Quenk's "Was that Really Me?" You will read about your dominant function & inferior function, and how you tend to basically oscillate between the two extremes during times of stress. Jung based this upon Newton's Law of opposites. You will love the logical explanations of the way you are FEELING right now. You see, you will come to realize that ALL you can control is yourself & your own reactions to how others treat you. Sure, I understand how much it sucks to be misunderstood. I get this ALL the time as well. I have been SO much like you, and am struggling HARDCORE with it right now, b/c mostly, I am pregnant. Haha. Emotional-city, and NOT happy INTP-chill time.
However, I understand that personality types are involved when others judge my behavior, just as I judge their judgements against me. Our type is somewhat of a rarity, which makes it hard to be understood at times, but also gives you an edge in helping others solve problems in ways they would never think, among other gifts. STOP focusing on only the negative, and focus on the positive.
The best final advice I can give you is similar to what the person said about God, but with a more "thought-provoking" twist. Understand yourself first. Next, understand the LIMITS of your own logic...ESPECIALLY when you are cutting off incoming information via intuition. STUDY the bible & pray. Do you really think YOUR logic can understand more than GOD? That doesn't make much sense, so if God is real, open up your intuition to the outside world & look for him. What would it hurt??
When I started studying the bible (& some of Einstein's writings on religion), I started to see the eery similarities between what "God" teaches & what patterns I see in the universe! It fits together perfectly! The bible also teaches us to let go of ourselves or "die" in a sense & to help others at all times. To be an INTP is to let go of our own feelings & so we are already on the way to enlightenment (according to the bible), whereas so many others can't let their own hangups go! When you start to focus on others or making the world a better place, you will find your place in the world & no longer feel as you do!

it was the same for me; I was always criticized, so much so that I wondered whether I was in fact defective. I found some peace at last, so I guess it's better in that sense. externally, my life is not appreciably better, and I think it's highly likely that I will never, truly fit in.

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I feel exactly the same way about having kids. I was very happy when Ayn Rand (INTJ) gave a perfect analogy of what most people do with their lives and how it relates to having children - she said it's as if there was a beautiful powerful train sitting in the station, and people spend all day cleaning it, fueling it, walking through it, having meetings about it, etc., but they never acutally ran the train -- everynight, the station was closed with the train sitting there, and in the morning, the cleaning, changing fuel, and hanging around it began again. But the train never moved. So, then these people went and built MORE trains (had babies) even though they never figured out what to do with the original train!?! This is how I see most people live their lives. I am a hard core INTP female -

ayn rand had some whack ideas, but she could be entertaining at times. I think most women could benefit from being a little less codependent, however.

Hi I'm an intp 41 year old female and after
doing my stuff and a big career first had kids .....I still feel like u as a female her 20s .but it was definitely better to fulfil myself in many other ways first. So nice to read your honest post you know the truth you have to try and embrace the differences its not always easy but happiness does definitely not lie in trying to blend in take it from me!! Be true,
my only advice would be you just learn how to not draw tedious unwanted attention when it suits, but as you get older you don't
care so much about being different and find others value it more ! weirdly families are the ones who never accept intp females I've found finding your niche and own life is easier !!!! Accept you may never understand your family and same as to try for that leads to heartache or it can do.

you just have to follow your own instincts and not people please and that's tough in your 20s follow your own path and the rest will follow ..........

I am an INTP. When I was a child, I barely greeted people, let alone talked to them. I used to think what's the point of saying hello and goodbye. It's all so meaningless. Over the years, I've learnt to be more E(xtroverted) and F(eeling) so that I could relate to people and function better in society. On the inside, the INTP still lives on. I'm so glad to meet other INTPs. I just feel I can be my true self. I am understood and I am free!

INTP male here and I can't understand why men wouldn't want INTP women. I'd like to have a girl who is interested in understanding the world like I am. I can't stand illogical emotion and I don't want to be someone's project. INT? at least get each other and most of my friends are as well. I also like smart girls.

yep i am in an INTP woman and i've been happiest dating INTJ men. I had to ask most of them out, tho, which I don't mind.

I'm a female INTP, too. I didn't remarry, didn't have kids, and I'm basically the cast-off of my family. My parents love my sister and brother who breed pretty babies for them, but they think I'm crazy. There is no reasoning with them. If I don't pop something cute and noisy out for them to buy tons of unnecessary crap for, then I've obviously been nothing but a complete waste of their time. F them.

I feel you. Shame on them for wanting just 'beautiful grandchildren' to make them pleased.

I agree; your parents are selfish.

aww.... just like me.. :( i am an INTP too.. they always say that i am beautiful but intimidating.... which is not true.... because i am always quiet and aloof.... i love to think that is why i am always on my own..... bad... :'( its so hard to be an INTP they don't understand.... -__-

One advice, get a place of your own where you can be on your own and an individual. I think you will be more happier. Have someone understand you more and marriage is not as bad as it looks ;)

I am an INTP as well.

I understand your frustrations as if it were mines, as these large misconceptions about me are piling up surrounding my family and others, I do feel discriminated by it as if I am treated as a frequent outsider. It might not be intentional since others often inhabit that tendency to want to exclude others subconsciously if you are not in any way similar to them, but I often face the same issues as you do on a daily basis. I am always told by others that I don't know how to live on a practical basis, but I often beg to differ. I think I have my own methods of surviving and how I want to go about my own marriage (yes, I am married with a son) without being constantly told that I have to adhere to gender expectations and how to do all these duties based on culture and traditional values. I am always suppressing my capabilities since they are often unheard of and having an ISTJ father who finds it too difficult to comprehend my thoughts adds onto another level of problem. I know you are probably asking, "why can't these people let me be and leave me alone by giving me some peace and some space to breathe?"

I've always asked that same question, it makes it harder to depend on those people that least understands you.

I also do have a lot of thoughts in mind that goes undermentioned since no one ever wants to listen to it or it's plainly strange to anyone where it has no practical use. I do see that it has a practical use once it's been figured out but no one ever takes the time to do so. INTP males seem to face the same discrimination, if not similar. He complains about the same issues that I have.

You are not alone in your frustration. I am a 25yr old single INTP female. Before I knew I was intp I saw a physcologist, I just though there had to be something 'wrong' with me, I was just so different/seperate and I couldn't change it. Just like you most joy and purpose in life comes from wanting to understand the universe and everything in it, I have so many questions, theories ect, and no one to share them with. I feel like I was born for science, yet I have fallen to practicality and suffer in my existence as a dental assistant. Yes, I cannot describe the anger and frustration I feel towards the perception of many men, (and we can't exclude women) even the good ones give their subconscious bias away by an action or statement. I think I will remain single, relationships just don't seem to give me the kick I get just from thinking about something amazing then having that light bulb "what if?" moment. (Though admitidly I've never had a romantic relationship anyway). Thankfully for me and perhaps strangely for an intp, I chose to make a thorough study of the bible. I think it saved my life, I don't know if I could have kept living if I didn't know WHY? Now I know why we are here and what the future holds. I also know with confidence that future will allow me to pursue all my intp dreams and live life to the full without all forms discrimination and prejudice. God has a purpose for everything, he created female intps for a reason, and I intend to be patient enough to find out. And I'm not saying that in a spiritual mumbo jumbo way, I'm saying it in a this is seriously worth analyzing way, (however if you do, I recomend Jehovah's Witnesses as they actually care about what the bible says and not tradition or social pressure, or vague mumbo jumbo, which I respect as an Intp). Try not to let the world get to you too much. We are rare and think differently to society, don't ever let them make you think that way of thinking is wrong.

I tell men that they bore me, and it's true. they seem to be under the impression that we'll stick around because we're hooked on their approval or some stupid **** like that, but really I just want someone intelligent to talk to, and every now and again that happens to be a dude.

Hang in there. God loves you, He made you who you are, and you're right--you absolutely don't need to care about the expectations others impose on you. Also, I totally get what you mean about feeling like marriage wouldn't be enough. The good news is that God has a spectacular plan for our lives, which is perfectly suited to our personality types. We just need to ask Him to help us, and cooperate with Him. Which is hard, but will give you the meaning in your life that you crave. Peace <3

It is hard to be an INTP woman because we (I can't decide between INTP and INTJ) don't embody the typical feminine traits that are expected of women. For a start, people assume that because we don't show much emotions that we are sociopathic robots or *******. We also don't find much pleasure in activities such as parties, sentimentality, clothes and make up. We view the typical feminine ideals as shallow and materialistic. We require meaning in life. We can't relate to women who only want to have fun without curiosity. I have an ESFJ mother and we get along fine, even if she doesn't get me. I am luck to be studying what I want to study instead of what other people choose for them.

yeah, a lot of people think I'm a b/tch; it's really tough. my parents tried to direct my studies too, but I guess I was sufficiently stubborn to ignore them.

I can relate to you, only except all this anger you express. Reality is, you can do whatever you want. You have the mental power to focus on things you know you have to do, things that you are passionate about, things that bring you happiness.. Don't waste this power on doing the wrong thing and blaming the society for it. You don't have to fit in the societal norms when you know you are not the 'norm'. Good luck

I totally concur. People think I am weird that I don't seem to have an affinity for kids and that I am not incredibly marriage minded, or a need to have my own and also that I am not really a 'joiner' - I never have been. I find just going to a party with a group of people I know is EXHAUSTING. I leave the party completely drained..almost irritated. I'm at a career crossroads and second guessing everything I do right now. I have a keen intuition and trust people about as far as I can throw them.

The hell is from others.<br />
If you REALLY wanna do the thing you want, just do it!<br />
Im 19 and i lived that way once, and i said to myself: ENOUGH<br />
Don't stay with that kind of people, because they WILL NEVER understand you.

I can relate so much to so many things you expressed... I'm also an INTP woman but I only looked into it recently, and my, what an eye opener in terms of understanding better why I've had so many difficulties relating to most people most of my life. For me, some of the harder things are just as you mentioned, people not understanding you or completely misinterpreting your behaviour or the way you just 'are'. I have lost count how many times I've been called arrogant and distant/aloof because people mistake my tendency to get lost inside my head + need for solitude + my lack of social/extroverted skills for all the most negative ones.<br />
<br />
Socialising for me is a challenge that only gets worse over time, I find. I find it incredibly draining, too. I went through phases where I kept questioning why I was so different and 'weird', and this kind of negative questioning is both hurtful and harmful to oneself. However from trying to observe myself and sort of trying to imagine how I must come across to others, I can see how puzzling I can be, or difficult to gauge/figure out especially as I just don't open up to others easily at all. And then there is the fact that for every social outing I find the strength to participate in, it is always followed by a deep need to remain alone for a while, and that while can vary from a week to months at a time where I'll pretty much socialise with no one except, say, family, or because I 'have' to. That makes keeping friendships even tougher because I can see how people can take my distance negatively - even though it has nothing to do with them... <br />
<br />
What also gets to me is how much the world/society keeps trying to change our type all the time. It's like something is wrong with us and we should be made to change into a type that society or the majority prefers. There is constantly something 'wrong' with me, or I am encouraged to 'change', which often means adopting traits that are common in other personality types more likely to fit in better in society. As a result it often made me more rebellious and wary and all the more lost in my own head.<br />
<br />
I also can't help wondering how much easier it would be to have my personality type if I were a guy. There is so much expectation as to how women should behave, or how emotional they ought to be, still, that our type seems to fly in the face of all these social misconceptions.

I read this and I feel awful. I am not an NT. Infact I am an NF. I was drawn to this group because I largely have misunderstood NT's. As an NF I am insanely charged with emotion. This girl that I am crazy about is an NT and I blew up on her for not being all that relationally apt. She was pretty hurt from it, and now I know why. NT's are complete opposites in that sense. I wish more NF's new about the aspirations of the NT person. If it is possible, I apologize for the misunderstanding NF's.

Thanks, that's great that you kind of get it now.
It helps to think of it not so much as "relationally apt" but as relating differently: INTPs like to share ideas and thoughts in common. It is other people who label that as "cold" simply because they don't. Many INTPs/INTJs really enjoy each others' company and don't have the same problem because they are not pressured or judged. They aren't "stifled" by people who are like them, not just because there's less pressure to focus on each other, but they have the same relating style, as well as comparable or preferred levels of intensity. It's really important that you see it as a real difference in type instead of coding it as deficiency.

Oh man, you are me. I'm a 24 year old female with an economics degree and a mother trying to nag me into getting a finance job... wanting desperately to find a way to get back into the sciences.

hi,<br />
all of us hve dreams and stuff we want to<br />
and mostly of those cant we reach yet, but (always ''but'')<br />
im sure if u hve that strong will to make something different, and very dislike what you're doing now hope u can find the way to change it and get what u want<br />
<br />
o__o do i sound stupid? obviously i dont know u well, but i can see myself from some lines there, im an intp, and having an estj's mother, she always gets mad when i make a lot of mess (i always do that), and late for everything, i ignore social thingy like party or a simple chat, i do like sharing ideas and talking serious things.<br />
yup, mostly people here will say almost the same, people grow up, find their lover, then life together, happy, get married having kid around then, no wrong there but we life in a world that mostly people wish so, although we dont think the same, well be patience then :3 good day!

Sometimes I honestly feel the same.I see no point in marriage or having kids.But i do think love is nice to have , everyone needs some love.But honestly I get the same words from my mum at times.She is always telling me I like the house to much and I need to get out more and says its a bit weird for a kid my age.But i just brush her off.I think that other people donnot quite get us.And it can be frustrating but I think god has a plan for all of us.You would soon see.