Being An Intp WomanI remember reading a study that said INTP women are the worst-viewed out of all personality type groups, but I chose not to dwell on that.
But, as time went on, I realized it is hard, very hard, to be an NT woman.
I get called beautiful all the times, yet men never approach me. True, I'm not exactly thrilled by the idea of having a relationship, and never was, but I still need to feel "human" every now and then.
People never seem to get me, and they jump to all these false ideas about me..it's been going on forever, since kindergarten.
I'm just not used to expressing myself. I'm all brain.
I'm just not the outgoing, extroverted type, in fact most times I'm about 99% Introverted. I feel socializing is so draining that even a night out with the girls, just getting a drink and having a chat, is extremely draining.
I've been called absent all the time. Or bored..which, well, I tend to be, I admit. It's because I lose patience very easily when it comes to actual life experiences. Meaning I'm more interested in spotting the patterns of life around me, than actually living.
I have felt this way since..forever, but people, even my family, pressures me to be different.
My mother already told me countless times that I "don't know how to live", that I'm too inhibited(again, everybody seems to think I'm inhibited, when, in fact, I just don't care about stuff..) that I need to relax and stop being so serious etc.
I don't get people. I just don't. I don't understand why I should avoid looking at the truth. Or looking for the truth.
I'm only going to be alive for a short while, and all I've wanted, since I was 5, was to find answers to my questions, to know the origin of species, to understand the laws of the Universe..anything other than that seems like a f.u.c.k.i.n.g waste of time, but, then, I had to go to school, through that prison of dementedness and falseness, where I felt like basically, as a woman, becoming an intellectual would be the path of most work and least admiration, and possibly more pain, as you'd have to deal with arrogant, self-obssessed men who won't even take you seriously.
I don't think my so-called "close ones" realize that by saying things like "grow up, get a boyfriend" or "you're missing the point of living" they only make me feel worse, much worse.
I'm so tired of always having to repress my true self, of feeling like I have to apologize for not caring about relationships, or having kids, despite my age(turned 23 this week), and tired for apologizing that I am completely in control of my instincts and emotions, and trying to reassure people that I am still quite capable of deep passion and empathy, despite the fact that you will never see me lose my temper.
Also, I think my looks are just a major handicap. I'm not even that beautiful, I'm no model, I'm short and plump, but have a pretty face which made some people even call me a "baby-doll type"..I am not even sure what the hell that is, but definitely don't like the sound of it.
And people who have criticized me for my apparent lack of joy and passion never stop to wonder that maybe I feel empty and bored all the time, because I feel like when I go after the things I REALLY want, I get told it's crap, and I should grow up.
Even my own parents have looked at me with suspicion.
I've always wanted to study something related to natural sciences, like bioengineering, or even veterinary medicine, but my parents didn't care.
They wanted me to "make my own money" so I ended up studying economics, which I barely graduated, after delaying graduation by one year because I still had exams to take.
And I hated the field, totally hated it. Maybe I am childish, but the thought of wasting my entire life working at a job that just "makes money" makes me wanna off myself right now.
I just cannot work at something I don't care about and pretend to be happy...ok, dunno, maybe I'm overreacting, or dunno.
The thing that ****** me off the most is people who just don't get it. Some people look at me and think I'm sooo ungrateful.
I could slim down and be even more beautiful, and I'd have all this attention..great. What is the point of attention, if I never get WHAT I WANT, which is to continue studying and asking questions about everything.
Also, that I will "find peace once I find "the one" and get pregnant!!??-this is probably the most retarded and infuriating line I have heard. I have heard it more than once.
Ok, let me at least explain myself this once..on why I think this is retarded..I don't even know where to begin.
No.1 How in the world can anybody give birth to, and raise a sane human being if they have never gotten the things THEY wanted out of life, in the first place. Or even worse, never had the courage to go after them? What the hell will I tell my kids?? Life sucks, I saw no point to any of it, but, well, I had you because I was lost in my life, and needed something to take my mind off my REAL interests???
No.2 Marriage is crap. Maybe it is just an NT view, but, to me, it's simply not enough..I have waaay too much brain power to spend most of my time trying to "make someone happy" or "creating a blissful home"..
No.3 I think that by this age, I know myself enough to say for sure that marriage(or even love) was never part of my life plan, and NO, I do not think a life lived as a single, with no kids, is a waste. Ever heard of Jane Austen?
No.4 I'm only gonna say this one more time, women are NOT more instinct-driven than men. "Quenching my thirst" on an instinctual plane does not shut up the voices in my head(figuratively speaking, voices, of course..)