Some Tips For Dating Quiet Guys (like Me)


I am an introverted guy that is attracted to extroverted women. I currently have a great relationship with a woman who gets me, but previously, I found that many extroverted girls actually have no clue how to try to relate to a guy like me even if they say they really like me, which is kind of a shame. So I thought I'd share some thoughts. These are actually all the things that I told an old girlfriend one time, which she could never get her head around. (Disclaimer: OK so I have no actual experience in picking up men, sue me.)

  • You could meet me anywhere except places you go specifically to pick up guys. (The problem with those is that they are, uh, full of guys looking to pick up?)

  • I do not have a 'gang'. I have friends. I like my friends.

  • Trying to figure out my patterns / in-jokes with other people, and then copying them, is a waste of your time and makes you look desperate. Sorry.

  • If you want to flirt with me, touching me on the arm or hand is a fine place to start. I like that.

  • I do not particularly like banter / payouts as a way of flirting. It makes it seem like you aren't confident enough to be nice, or that you are worried you'll get rejected and are protecting yourself. I'm not really interested in that.

  • Just because I am quiet does not mean I'm judging you.

  • Talk about things you like. Don't talk about things you think I like, that you are not actually interested in at all. For example, do not pretend you like Everton FC and then ask who David Moyes is. You do not have to share all my interests to get to know me.

  • Asking me lots of questions in a row is often a bad idea, especially if the answers to the first few are: "Uh, not" You should take this as a clear indication that I have nothing to say about that subject. If I have something to say I will probably say it.

  • Please don't continually interrupt me and then worry that I am not saying anything. If you want me to talk, listen when I do. I don't actually mind being interrupted except that people always get clingy and awkward afterwards.

  • In particular, try not to interrupt me to ask me questions about the exact thing I was in the middle of talking about. It is very annoying and makes you look like a total dufus.

  • Talking about yourself a lot is OK, but don't blabber and over-share at me, and then get insecure that I do not like you when I do not say much in response. I'm probably just thinking about how nice your hair smells or something.

  • Periods of silence do not mean I am bored. If I am bored I will do something about it.

  • If you want to pay for dinner, pay for it. If you want me to pay, ask me. Please do not stand around saying, "um, well, we could go halves if you want, or I could pay, or you could, if you want, whatever, no wait, what do you think?" It makes me want to run screaming.

  • PLEASE do not ask me what I want, and then argue with me because you actually wanted something else and I was supposed to read your mind. I HATE it. If I want to do something specific, I'll say. If I'm happy doing what you want, I'll do it.

  • When you are happy and relaxed and confident and smile and laugh, it makes me want to buy you stuff.

  • Please talk to me about your weird childhood fantasies about Mr Hooper / your plan to climb Mt Kilimanjaro / your obscure hatred of Siamese cats, etc. I love that sort of stuff.

  • Yes, I will get up on the ladder and fix your light-bulb because I am tall. Do not thank me like, eight times, it's annoying.

  • Asking me if I like your new dress is a good idea. If I say you look nice, I mean it. Try it with perfume, too.

  • Don't ask me if I am sure about things all the time. I am quiet, not unconfident or uncertain.

  • Yes, I will probably come around and tell you what I think of your portfolio / wardrobe / choice of paint colours / etchings / new playlist / collection of model trains, and if I say yes, it means I like you.

  • ¬†Of course, if we've been hanging out for a while and you just relax, I'll probably ask you out, and save you all this trouble!

StevieStillwater StevieStillwater
36-40, M
17 Responses Mar 24, 2012

The question is how can I as an intivert get to know an introverted man. We both are quiet and sit there waiting for the other to talk until I say, '"ummm, hmmm, uhhhh, soooo, tell me about yourself...". The thing is that I really like him and we have so much in common but I'm used to dating extroverted men who can do most of the talking. Enjoying silence while enjoying our shared love of nature is great after we know each other, but I feel that at the begining we should find someway to talk.

you should really try to understand people. But you got confident and i am inspired to own my desires though i am not fully aware of my introversion as i have only discoverd it recently i can see you really understand you self. big up

Wao Thanks My Boyfriend And I Are Just Like You. I Prefer Listening To Weird Childhood Memories They Interest Me So Much. This Is Really Helpful.

This post is really helpful! Thank you for taking the time to write it. I'm saving it to read it quietly to myself in the future so I don't drive someone crazy. :)

It describes this man whom I think is interested in me. Doesn't talk much. but when I was in a little trouble n he comforted me, he spoke a lot. Now he is back to quiet guy, always asking how am I and other things n I talked n he just smiles n smiles. When I thot I talked too much, I stopped and he just fire another q n I talked n he smiles n sometimes giving short sentences. Like, you are looking really good with all the workout. I'm extrovert woman.

Thank you for sharing this. As a fellow introvert, it was a helpful reminder that things people do that frustrate me so are likely the result of an introvert/extrovert misunderstanding. In an interesting twist, however, not only do I tend to be interested in introverted men, but take on the extroverted role and make many of the flubs you mention above. Do you have any advice, as an introvert, in gauging interest from and pursuing an admittedly quiet, likely introverted, man? It is just as anxiety-producing to be prepared for carrying a conversation (or worse, winging it! See your list for what I end up doing or saying) as it is to pause and have 2 people quietly reflect on what they'd like to say next to the other. We both make conversation with others more easily than we do between us. I'd have given up by now, but 1) I want to get better at this, 2) I think he's pretty cool, and worth it, and 3) if I make an effort to engage him, within a couple days, he'll come up to me and return the favor. (Full disclosure: after a work event a month ago, and both intoxicated enough to stop a lot of filtering, we both demonstratively showed our interest in the other at the time, so I may be interpreting with a bias.)

I was in love with this introvert guy who was interested in marrying me, but i outburst twice on him because of his behaviour which i was not able to understand. Now how do i patch up with him . Plzzzzzz help me.

I have two dear friends who are introverts, and reading this was so helpful. Even though I'm not dating either, the principles of communication are basic, and ring true to friendships as well. I care for them both, so I'm willing to change my communication style to better know them. I've also realized my dad is an introvert, so maybe that's why I'm so understanding even though I'm an out-and-out EXTROVERT.

I just started dating an introvert (whom I adore) and after an awkward miscommunication that resulted in an insecure outburst on my part... I decided to do some research. Thanks for your insight, I found myself giggling and relating.

Omw!! This was sooo funny :'''D I actually have a mega crush on a quiet guy, not sure if hz introverted or jst nt into me considering the fact that hz 13yrs older than me... Buut after reading this, Ive done all the big no no's lol. I'm an outgoing girl bt introverted deep inside sooo I'm mre comfortable with quiet guys.
PS I loved this read <3

I am in love with an introvert male, and yes, have made all of the above errors, but he seems willing to work with a newbie. so I am enjoying being along for the ride.

It's hilarious reading this, because I'm a very quiet guy and also an Everton FC fan so this made my day.

Just thank you I don't know what else to say I've been dating my boyfriend for a year and this is a huge breakthrough

This is ridiculous! You can write what yu like but cant communicate it to someone closest to you... Frustrating!

True!! Thanks to this I just gave up on an introvert, how can we bend over backwards for someone to find us annoying and trying too hard!?

Love this. I like an intorvert guy and we r like total opposite but i really like him so much and I'm willing to go extra miles just to understand him. This is helpful.. thanks!

Wow you have given words to feelings and thoughts I've had for what seems like forever, I'm not totally sure how but what you have done here will prove extremely valuable for me. Thanks heaps man, I feel as though I'm not as confused by myself anymore, and you've given future girls I meet a chance to understand me... Again thanks heaps!

Thanks for the appreciation. A lot of extrovert women are lovely, they just need to know what is going on. Best of luck.

that was good...great insight, it goes for women as well...I stay alone often and I am friends and family constantly asked me..if I am okay....or what I am thinking..or if I take time to answer because I am thinking..I am accused of not listening...good grief