Introvert Who Wants Out
I stumbled upon a web page about introverts and realised I had many of the symptoms. I tend to think more than say or do and spend a lot of time in the background. I have been described as an outsider looking in, and also as someone who is reserved and laid back. I have been called intelligent and studious.
I have noticed people here reveling in their introversion. I for one cannot stand it. I cannot stand knowing I have this problem yet am virtually helpless. There is no one in my life, not even family, that I can reveal my concerns to. I do not want to expose myself ever, hence me only being able to write this passage under a veil of anonymity.
Being an introvert has created and exasperated many profound problems I have. I am a social leper. At the age of twenty-five, I am no better in conversation than I was at eighteen. If anything, I am worse due to being more apathetic about life.
At the age of twenty-five, I have not known a woman intimately, in sexuality, love nor friendship. It is not even the fear of rejection that is to blame. I just simply do not know how to act, and either end up embarrasing myself or leaving behind no impression I was ever there. I've never had anyone or anything to teach me, save a pitiful thirty minute sex ed video that the teachers were desperate to usher by.
The constant reminder of my failings and how I compare to my peers clings to me like a bad smell. In honesty, the only constant link I have with men is the sport of Football, or Soccer, as it is known in the States. I could talk to a like mind on the subject for a pretty long time. To any who are not aware of this, it is the common thing that links all guys in the United Kingdom, followed by cars, beer and women. Of those three latter subjects, I'm not much of a car man, I've already relayed my flaws with the fairer sex, and while I like alcohol, I couldn't talk for long about it.
I am a ghost, slowly driven further inside myself. I have not loved, nor have been loved (save the perfunctory, dutiful brand of love given by parents or siblings). I know I have much love to give, if I were just given that chance that has been all my life beyond me.
Being an introvert, I of course allow things to slip through my fingers. I suffer in silence instead of letting people in on my concerns. In seven years, I have had seven jobs, yet have not nailed myself down to any one career. I have allowed myself to just slip out of jobs because I did not reveal my feelings or reasons for the things I did. I was not willing to defend myself. At the age of twenty five, I am still living with my parents and only watch with jealousy as people younger than myself forge careers, homes and families. When will my life begin?
I have no past, a wasted life with only half-feelings and half-experiences to show for it. What's worse is I am a man. I am supposed to move towards the future with purposeful strides. Yet I feel like a twenty five year-old boy. My greatest wish (and one that drives me nuts with its impossibilities) is that I could go back in time with what I now know and start again. Maybe then would an opportunity present itself to me. I have made mistakes in my youth at school and in college, and have been punished for them in the coldest way.
So if I were offered to chance to be dumber, more outgoing and extroverted, I would take it. Sorry, but that's just the way it is for me.