From my earliest waking memory I always had this intense desire to go home. I wanted it so badly that at times my desire made enjoying my current life impossible. I did not know where home was. I just knew I wanted to go, and that if I found it everything would be okay. I knew that as soon as I found my way home I could finally relax. I could breathe again.

These complex feelings were farther intensified by my gender issues. Even though I enjoy my female form I've always felt that at my basic spiritual level that I am made up of male energy. Often I was torn between living a "female life" and wanting to relax and let my masculine soul come out to play.

It's hard to describe the feeling of knowing that at one point in time you were someone else entirely. It is hard to accept and combine who you were then with who you are now. Especially if you've been a number of somebodies at one point or another.

Sometimes I feel like it is my job to lead by example. I feel like I'm supposed to show people that there is a better way of living. I express these feelings by helping as many people as I can. I may not have much, but what I do have I am willing to share.

It's a long journey, and I am still traversing it, but it gets easier all the time. I have learned to love and accept myself for who I am. Not for my body, or for my physical world, but for my spirit. Because in the end we are all but shapeless balls of light.

SlowAutumnWind SlowAutumnWind
26-30, F
1 Response Nov 11, 2008

I can relate to what you described about having a masculine energy. I have always felt that way. I look feminine but I am much more masculine and made up of yang energy than yin energy. I am fiery, intense, daring, witty, risk-taking, charismatic, leader, intellectual. I could never be slow, easy going, maternal or calm and too quiet. It's difficult dealing with gender roles in this society. I have never thought about a past life being possible for me until recent years. It's a unique possibility!