One And Only!

I am in my early 30's and I must say, being an only child, to a single parent has definitely been an experience!  I went through the normal stages.  You know, at first grateful for all the attention and since I am just the biggest diva.....that was a thrill for me, then the "mommy cant you get re-married and have another baby so I can have a sister or brother to blame stuff on" stage.

Soon I realized that I was it. Neither one of my parents was going to get off their genetic high horses and donate a chromosome or 23 to appease me.

 So, I made my peace with it. Don’t get me wrong, I've had my moments. I’ve been lonely sometimes ( but then again, who hasn’t been). Sometimes I feel like If I had a sibling, I would have had a built –in best friend. But then again…my dad literally throws darts at his family photos…and my uncles Curt and Harry seem to bare the brunt of most the darts.  Also…sometimes I think that I would be better at relationships. I don’t form bonds easily…and I have a tendency to walk away, and not deal with the relationship if things get particularly difficult. And even though I’ve never said it…and the back of my head I hear that eerie little “Well I don’t need you anyway” creeping up the side of my brain.

Despite what people say about “onlys” being spoiled, selfish, most of us actually have to grow up pretty quick. When you’re surrounded by adults; that’s who you take your cues from. You grow up faster, mature quicker, learn to rely on yourself a bit more. It can also make you seem a little stuck up, aloof…(or so I’ve been told ) 

But everybody’s got something…. and that’s just….my or our something if your reading this.

I think the biggest thing is that both of my parents are getting up there in age. My dad is pretty ill, though only in his 50’s…he's had a hard life…and is unfortunately dealing with the consequences of that. He has kidney failure and is on dialysis 4 times a week. And then there’s my mom…my insane, hysterically loud, outspoken mother,  who’s in her 60’s and affectionately  calls me “THE WARDEN” . Most of our conversations consist of “Did you smell it before you put it in your coffee? Or is the stove still on. Or are you really going to wear that outside the house, because no two colors in that entire outfit match!!!??”

I'm not married, and I don’t have kids, and so in some strange turn around…I’ve started mothering my parents…which is just wrong. Sometimes I do wish I had a sibling to share some of the load when it comes to handling them.   Not that I mind of course, because how can I do anything less….but it does get lonesome.  To the point where I regret, or bemoan my position? Not at all. My parents did what they thought was best for them…and it just turned out that way. I’ve traveled and been places, seen things that I might not have been able to if my mom had had more children. She sacrificed a lot for me to have everything I wanted, and so I'm grateful. However I am aware that who I am is in direct relation to my parent’s existence. When they go…who am I? I’m no ones mother, wife, or sister or aunt.  I'm just “Bella”


But that’s who I am, and that has to be good enough!

Not judging…. just sharing!

Belladawn Belladawn
31-35, F
Feb 16, 2010