After typing up stuff on this website, I feel slightly relieved that I got that out of my system. I like to read about other peoples experiences. I feel like I should write responses for the ones I've read but I feel like the words I write would be half hearted. As they are from a person who can't feel good about them self yet, I would not be able to say I can hold someone else's load.

I try to be confident in myself and I've even set rules of what to do during the school year. However, I know I'll break those rules because I like to believe that if I don't do it then I'll regret it, but I still somehow regret it either way. I find it hard be confident, it's almost stifling when someone tells me to be confident like there's an instruction manual.

That is why I am very nervous for the school year, I know I want to be happy at most times, be vocal and say hello, how are you? But I know that there will be awkward moments where I will lose my voice and I can't find it in me to say hello. I feel pressured into being friendly or seem like I'm friendly. I know it's late in the game to actually care about how other people see me, but it seems more important when you see those set individuals on a daily basis. There will also be moments where I'll explode. I'm like a sponge I take everything in and it won't be long till I break. When I break I'm just a delinquent, I cry, I break things, and I can't control my words. I regret and feel astonishingly amount of shame that I still remember each moment years after. I feel like I know so much about myself but I don't know how to deal with any of it.

One of my closest friends told me to relay my feelings not on to him, but one of his friends. I try not to tell him how I felt terrible each day afterwards, as it doesn't help. It's funny because I feel more free typing this here then confiding it into someone I know. Note the ironic title and how I am in real life. I'm not someone who can easily confide in others or for a simple matter have a interesting 5 minute talk with anyone.

I'm hoping that typing up stuff will help me because I've been lost before, I don't want to repeat this cycle.
natetiox natetiox
22-25, F
Aug 24, 2014