I Don't Miss My Father

When I was about 5, my dad was a heavy alcoholic, well he always was. I don't think that he ever hurt my mom physically, but i'm not to certain. But he was cheating on my mom with some broad that he met 2 weeks ago at some cheap restraunt that me and my mom where also eating at. He really made no attempt to hide the fact like he liked the tramp sitting across us at the table, anyway 2 weeks after that he was going to "apologize" to me by taking me to get ice cream, I was 5, and i didn't think that i existed to him so i was very excited. It turns out, we where not getting ice cream, he was going to get a tattoo of the girl from the restraunt across his chest and he didnt want to leave me at the apartment because he didn't like me being with my mom because he despised her... like taking your son to a tattoo parlor is good parenting. Anyway he was drunk, and having a good time with the people there, I sat in a chair looking at my shoes, i had nothing better to do, I had an itch on my arm so I rolled up my sleeve to scratch it. My dadstared at my arm and hollered out, " Hey boy, how woulda' like to have a nice tat like your fathers?" "does it hurt?" I said "No No, not at all" he said with a snicker, the tattooist also laughing. I thought it could be something that we could have in common so I agreed not knowing the risk of tattoos, i got in the chair and nervously held my arm out, he whispered to the artist, and told him to give me some decal like lines from my inner forearm to about my chest. When the needle started I pulled my arm back, it scared me. "Boy dont be a *****!" he said very strictly, I reached it back out and with an iron grip he pressed my arm down, crushing my wrist, I started to whine which just egged them on further, when the needle started against my sking I cried out in pain, I got a smack, and someone put a hand over my mouth, after about 5 minutes i was crying, which they all found hilarious, the entire time I heard a lot of people saying "man up" and a lot of swears that I didn't even know at the time, all in all I think it was about 45 min, I was choking back tears while my father got his, if i let a tear lose, he would give me a stern look and I would try to stop, I couldnt believe all the people there not stopping this. On the ride home I would scratch my arm and he would whack me on the head again and say "dont pick at it."

When he brought me home my parents had the biggest fight i have seen so far, my dad was yelling and my mother was crying hysterically, my mom telling me to close my eyes and my dad telling me it was good to witness this, at some point he left and drove of, not saying goodbye, he called us later that he was sending divorce papers and that he was going to live in Oklahoma with the hore that took him from us, about a month later, my mom was barely hanging in, we where at her sisters house, because she lost her job and our house got taken away because our father put us in debt, we could only keep a couple of items a few pictures, clothes, and a few other things, my mom snuck a silver necklace also, it was just the chain it didn't have a pennant. anyway my mom would take me to a local pond and tell me that when she had troubles when she was a kid she would go here to think, when we came back, my aunt was watching the news and turn to looked at us with a pained face, my mom glanced at the screen and fell to her knees, i didn't see the screen, but my uncle was directing me to my moms and I room, well the basement, after about an hour of me sitting there staring at the floral pattern blanket on the bed, my uncle came down to explain the situation, I could still here my mother crying, I'll try to quote it the best I can "I....Uh," clears throught "Mordecai..." my name is mordecai by the way, " there seems to be a small slip up with your father," he said sorrily, "you know that your dad has been gone for a while, with that lady, Mandy, Mindy? whoever she is, It seems that she that she still had another person that she was in love with, other then your father... well her other... friend, didnt like the fact that she had another person that she cared about." "uh-huh" I said a bit scared. "well" he continued, struggling to find the right words. " Well... you should know that love is something to be careful about, and dont ever, marry some one you dont ruely love like your mothe..." he cut off, "Son, the lady a news says that there was an incident in Oklohoma with your father and the other man, This other man was really, really mad that his girlfriend betrayed her, and he took his anger out on your father... which you shouldnt take your anger out on people, you know that, right?" He was trying to make this into a life lesson also I nodded "well like I said this man was angry, and he was so angry that he... decided to get rid of your father, but he did it in a very wrong way." "how?" I said very curious" he sighed and said " Mordecai he made the wrong decision and, -ahem- well he took your fathers life..." I was a bit confused " so he... killed him?" I said tearing up, "It would seem so, Look im sorry, but there isnt anything we can do about it but move on, thats what we do when someone dies, we need to move on... I'ts okay to cry, its times like these that we need to let our feelings out... I know this is hard for you, but this is life, and sometimes life is hard" there was a long pause and he continued "but things will get better, we can carry on together and we will be okay because we all love eachother." "can I see my ma" I said a bit quietly, he sighed and led upstairs to my mother laying on the floor sobbing her eyes out, you might think that he sight of my mother on the floor crying sadden me and go back to the basement, instead I grabbed my mothers hand, and laid down next to her, she stroked my hair until I fell asleep, we with some tears rolling down my cheek, and her seeming to calm down and started to take deep breaths, when i woke up I was laying on the couch, it was dark outside and everyone was asleep, except for my mother, putting on a coat and some boots, at the moment, I forget about my fathers passing, and was pretending that i was still asleep, I would do that sometimes because I thought it was funny that they didnt know that I was watching what they where doing, my mom took a glance at me, wipes some tears of her face trying not to whimper, she undid the silver band on her neck, which was weird because I almost always saw her wearing it, she put it in my hand and kissed my forehead, when she went to the door she took a look at me murmured something and left, just like that, I didn't think much of it, she sometimes left in the middle of the night and came back the next morning, I eventually fell back asleep and awoke in the morning, my aunt got up early and would pour me a bowl of knock of cocoa puffs, my uncle and aunt started to worry, they eventually called the cops and the did a search for her, later that night it was going to bed, my uncle came down and told me that my mother was feeling a lot of emotions and she had to leave, the comforted me and told me that they where going to take care of me until then,

I couldn't sleep at all, so after an hour I snuck upstairs and thought that I would find my mother at the pond, when I was upstairs my grandparents where talking to a cop, he said they found a body of a woman downtown that matched the description, we found her wallet and it had her I.D. in it, he slid it to my uncle and aunt, my aunt buried her head into my uncles arm, while he nodded and he took the I.D. away, he said that she had a shot herself, with my uncles gun that he had hidden in his dresser, I didn't want to hear anymore, I silently made my way out the front and ran to the pond hoping that I would see my mother even though I knew she was dead, I stayed there for while just watching the moons reflections in the water, when I started to calm down, I said this in my mind, and im saying it still, I heard in a sermon at church it is " I am broken, but not Beaten." and I hope that can help other people that had a death of someone they love, I'm 17 now, and I have been living my life the same way people are meant to live, i still have the tattoo from my father, and the necklace from my mother, i'm wearing it now, i't always helped me feel better, my aunt is getting a bit sick, she is a heavy smoker and i'm trying to get her to stop, but i dont think thats going to happen. This experience has made me stronger, Im in high school I have a couple of friends, and a girlfriend that i am falling for, i posted an embarrassing story a couple of days ago, involving her, if you want to check it out, and i'm going to write a bit more about me and her, she has a father that absolutely hates me that I would like to talk about, and if anyone needs help then feel free to talk to me, ask me any questions that you have, It feels good to talk about this, I'm happy that I found this site. Thanks Guys.
Emeraldstone1 Emeraldstone1
18-21, M
1 Response Dec 5, 2012

Darling, I am so sorry about what happened to you. Please find a way to forgive your father and your mother. This is the only way to find peace. Your mother is proud of you as she lives on in the spirit world. Tell your aunt to go to a vitamin store and buy some red reishe mushrooms. They are great for addictions (drug, alcohol, nicotine & caffeine). You are a fine and strong young man and have much to look forward in life. In everything that happens, even the tough things, there is a lesson to be learned. And the day that you discover this, you will have a life changing moment as you will have bought yourself FREEDOM. Blessings from afar and from someone who cares, Tina.