I Love Being Orthorexic

When I was growing up, i was always skinny.  People thought I had an eating disorder because I never gained weight.  I loved being told I was beautiful, pretty, graceful like a dancer; being envied because I ate whatever I wanted at parties.  Little did i know it was all due to my mother's strict watch over my diet.  The day came when I finally got married, and moved 700 miles away from home.  It was my first time truly regulating for myself what I ate.  I had friends with eating disorders at home who silently by their eating habits would encourage me to watch what I was eating just by example.  And living in a metropolitan area did not expose me to many overweight people, let alone obese.  So when I moved to where practically everyone I saw was overweight or more, besides me and my husband and a handful of friends and family, I ate with abandon, convinced that I would stay the same size forever, blindly believing that everyone else was eating some strange food that made "them" fat.  Well, it turns out that I was eating it, too.  It took no time for me to gain over 50 pounds and all sorts of health problems to boot.  Being on the pill certainly made it easier to happen.  I caught mono and strep simultaneously (the mono did spark a temporary weight loss), was clinically diagnosed with bi-polar and ocd, and experienced a 3 yr long hysterical pregnancy attributed to hyperthyroidism.  I was quick to share with people the thyroid problem, as I was so insecure about my weight gain.  However, I then read a book around the time I decided on my own to quit all my medications that I was on (I felt they werent working anymore and some evidence suggested they also affected my thyroid) that spoke all about metabolism, hormones, and how to harness the power behind it all.  It was a radical bit of information to me, which began all sorts of research, from the best times to eat certain foods through the day, to the traditional diets of the Japanese, to calorie restriction, to negative calorie foods, to all the Anorexic tips you can think of.  And then I made a plan, how many "positive" calories I could have a day, careful to change the amount through the week achieving a weekly average, but still keeping my metabolism going, Times to eat, what to eat at those times.  I call it orthorexia because while I want to be a certain size, and have a goall weight just like anorexics do, and employ some of their techniques, I am also in the pursuit of health and thinness.  Getting my most nutritional bang for my buck.  The only difference between me and someone without the disorder is I feel like if I overindulge, or break any rules, I dont just fear getting fat, I fear cancer.  I want the most ethical food available, the safest, the most local, organic, in season, additive free food around.  Even better if its also fair trade.  Give me food like that and I'm in heaven.  Orderiing at a restaurant and having to tell the waiter 5 more minutes 3 times?  Pure hell.  O, and my husband thinks I'm nuts.  But without it, I would be unhappy, anxious, fat, dying.  Yes, I count and log, yes I have excercised for 2 hours straight before and eaten all negative calories while doing it.  And yes, I do eat dairy, meat and gluten ON OCCASION.  Somehow, though, eating like the rest of America does not seem like it is better than what I'm doing, disorder or not.

utmostrose utmostrose
26-30, F
2 Responses Feb 10, 2010

You are deffinately better than the rest of America! Dont folloow the crowd they are doing themselves any good! I like your "positive" calories comment, have you read good calories bad calories by Gary taube?? Its amazing, people dont realise than calories are not all the same, and calories in does not equal calories out. How far away from your goal are you?<br />
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..... careful about fearing cancer though, I read alot over the last year about the link between mental state and bodily health, diet is only one part of health, stress is a bigger cause of disease in the body than what we eat! So avoid cancer, but dont fear it when you do eat bad.... youre still a hundred times ahead of the rest of the USA.

You are deffinately better than the rest of America! Dont folloow the crowd they are doing themselves any good! I like your "positive" calories comment, have you read good calories bad calories by Gary taube?? Its amazing, people dont realise than calories are not all the same, and calories in does not equal calories out. How far away from your goal are you?<br />
<br />
..... careful about fearing cancer though, I read alot over the last year about the link between mental state and bodily health, diet is only one part of health, stress is a bigger cause of disease in the body than what we eat! So avoid cancer, but dont fear it when you do eat bad.... youre still a hundred times ahead of the rest of the USA.