Who Am I Pretending To Be?

XOXO: sorry for my bad writings..I'm just letting my emotions freely. Not a native English speaker, a Korean student. I can't see spirits like I see apples. It's funny. it's like imagining, like having different eyes that could see differently on the board of real life.

I don't really know, but sprits says I lived my past lives, the so many wheels just to save one demon, that does not seem that fair. Having karmas and all.

So the demon says, or redeemed demon, or a pre-angel or whatever you call it says that I'm like you. There's no difference between me because through all of the reincarnations and all, there was only one soul-just living like human. So If I had the state of awakenings, It's like this. The very first life of me- the demon- lived all the cycles to be redeemed, and it's finally over. I don't know. Did I pretended to hear and feel or were those from real spirits? But I cirtainly felt that one said that the demon was saved.

So what now? I had 3 years of spiritual things that bothered me, couldn't get along with people because it was pretty hard to understand them well I lived like a wierdo I know, or just a normal person who wants to act wierd. If the demon was me, the same thing all the time, all through the whole whirl, that makes I'm more like he's superficial camouflage. Should I just fade away? I know we are the same, but should I just forget my own personality that has been built for 17 years?

For example I had a dream of a medium taking out the demon deep inside of me to superficial, like pulling out the constricted one.

I know that demon can wait. He was always waiting. But the problem is, I want to find who I really am. But on second thought, I want to keep my personality alive. I don't want to be dead. It may be different from possessing, but it is certainly lossing myself. not the walk-ins.(I already experienced walk ins of a wolf, I just letted that in, but I finally gave up. I couldn't handled the instincts that were bothering my body, such as love for meat. really confused at that time)

I want to be normal, like a normal person, but than I also long for spiritual things. I don't know, the demon may be fake. all the experience could be made from my head. Our brain could be supernatural, and I tell my self 'may be' for million times.

Mind isn't that simple however. I want to pretend to be something big, something special, but at the same time, I want to be freed. But I still want to be a nun anyway. I must have been fell in love with the Christ now. In my past life experience, I was screaming like hell when the Christ had his last breathe. That makes things funny.

Am I pretending to be human, or demon? that's the big question I'm having now. It's all the same anyway. People say time will help out, but I've been waiting for that for 3 years. maybe I sould just give up on this and finally be freed and live like a normal kid doing studies and things.....Maybe God may use me later. After all, I want to be a nun.

dramatically dramatically
18-21, F
1 Response Jan 11, 2013

I understand your confusion. Things like this make you really doubt things.