I Am Happy To Be A Part Of Something

Up until I was around 7 years old I could consider myself as Not being an outcast. But I stand here today acknowledging that I am indeed an outcast. There are a variety of reasons that occurred between the young age of around 7 years old and the present that could apply to making me be an outcast. My Dad left our family around that age and I was left without a father figure in my life up until age 15 or 16 I would say. And even now I don't think I have all that great of a connection between my father. So without a father figure I was never taught any "manly" things as they are called and for that I believe I never really fit into the guy crowd. I am not gay or anything, I just have a hard time connecting with other guys and fitting into the group. Plus the loss of a father in my life was probably a psychological thing that went wrong in my head but I am not about to analyze myself. Then there is the fact that I have moved about six or so times in my life. Luckily, they have been relatively in the same area, but far enough to lose contact with friends. I was never able to hang out with my old friends, so therefore I lost contact with them and essentially had to my social reputation in life all over again.

A big thing that probably contributes to the outcast is my lack of self-confidence. I don't know why I never formed confidence in myself, maybe cause I had no father figure, but I just didn't. And for some reason now I have a hard time trying to form it, though I don't know if I have even tried all that hard. I have a hard time standing up to authority figures and putting myself over people in the world.

I find it hard to think of ways to meet new people and try out new things. Right now, if I was asked to number the amount of close friends. I would say I have about two. My girlfriend and my other friend. The other friends I have can be considered "buddies" or people I don't really talk to that much on a normal basis. I have a good amount of buddies but we hardly ever hang out for reasons unknown to me or just because they are too far living away from me to hang out with. Because of my lack of friends I do not have the constant access to just call up somebody and say "hey let's hang out" or something like that. I have to work on my own to go out and do stuff, which is hard sometimes.

Somewhere along the lines of growing up I got fascinated with the computer life and essentially got really fixed on it. Maybe more fixed on it than i should have. I mean, I am typing my thoughts out to a site instead of talking in-person to somebody about it, but this could be considered in-person talking, but that's another debate. I like to do a lot of things on the computer. Write essays, play video games, participate in dating sites (not anymore obviously), always check my social sites (i.e. Facebook), watch movies, surf youtube, and mess around with the computer. I am most likely going to be some sort of computer technician in the future because of my fascination with computers, but I am still working on if that's what I want for my life career. So with computers being a big part of my life, I feel that I have missed out on a lot of life's experiences for my age group because of it, leading up to my outcastness.

Another big problem I have been noticing lately is I have a big problem with Jealousy. I have been able to keep my jealous thoughts out of the way but they tend to show up in my facial expressions and I am sure I will explode one day with all the thoughts I am keeping locked in my head. For example, my girlfriend is attending school and I am not going to the same school, let alone going to school, so I am not around her while she is at school. Most people in relationships would have trust for one another and trust the other person to not leave them when they are not around each other. But for me I have been going crazy hearing how my girlfriend is meeting all these new people, among them being a few males. For some reason, I have been thinking that she is going to leave me and all this mumbo jumbo. Maybe those are normal thoughts but who knows. Another better example is I went to a party where my close friend was at and I saw him there hanging out with a bunch of his friends. I started getting jealous that he was hanging out with all these people and I actually didn't go up to say hello to him or his friends because I didn't want to "intrude on him hanging out with his friends." I think this is a pretty serious stupid problem that needs to be dealt with because if I cannot get over my friends hanging out with other people, let alone my girlfriend, then I have got a long way to go.

With my lack of friends, not knowing what to do with myself when I am bored / have free time, lack of confidence, and jealousy issues, I can easily see and I hope you all can too, that I am an outcast. I obviously know what is holding me back and am not afraid to admit it, so I know what to fix. It is just up to me fix these issues. I just feel like I don't have the ability to do so. Like something is holding me back. I am afraid to step into the world because I don't know how and never learned how to. I am also afraid that once I do step into the world I will be too afraid to stay in it.

Lostandfound878 Lostandfound878
1 Response Feb 19, 2010

I have same problem as you. While I did and still have a father growing up, I have a hard time talking to people and meeting new people. At school, I have a small circle of six “buddies” that I talk to, eat lunch with,and then thats it. When the 3:00 bell rings I do not talk or see them till the next day. I can say though, that I have one true friend and Im grateful for that. Other than him, I have no one else so Im pretty much an outcast.