The Mercurial Ego

I might be the most conceited, insecure individual I have ever known.  Neither part is an act - no false-modesty or false-confidence here.  Part of me honestly believes that I am special: I am extremely smart, talented (I am an excellent singer, writer, artist, athlete, scholar), funny, and attractive.  I am also filled with doubt and self-loathing.  I am awkward, annoying, clumsy, disorganized, neurotic.  I have trouble integrating my good and bad qualities into a cohesive personality that I can fairly evaluate.  I am used to seeing in black and white, and expect myself to either be perfect or a disaster, and I am neither and don't know what to do with that.  I demand perfection of myself and others, and when things fall short of that, disappointment and insecurity follow...so, for example, since I am not supermodel gorgeous, I often feel ugly, even though I "know" I'm not.  At the same time, I often assume people are flirting with me, are checking me out, or have "crushes" on me, when it is probably quite often my imagination.  Some days I look in the morning and feel beautiful, others I feel disgusting.   I would need constant reassurance to really believe that I am beautiful.

I am also extremely self-centered, and yet I am also one of the most giving, generous, thoughtful, empathetic people most people will ever meet.  I will forget your birthday, but if you have a bad day I am there for you 100% and will stay up with you all night. 

I am assertive and shy, arrogant and unsure of myself, driven and lazy, goal-focused and yet succumb to inertia if I lie on the couch for too long.

So, what am I?

whimsygirl whimsygirl
22-25, F
5 Responses Jul 1, 2007

As you mature you will learn how to use different aspects of self.

I wrote a much longer entry re: this story, but in the end decided that all I really wanted to say is, me too!<br />
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I feel less special as I get older--which might be a good thing as I think I had an over-inflated sense of my own importance when I was younger. But recently I've been trying to hold on to at least some of that sense of being special. Feeling special, to me, is a good portion of what drives me to attempt things. If I didn't think I had a better than average chance of succeeding, I probably wouldn't ever try to do very much. <br />
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Still the dichotomies you express, and my experience of them, cause me a certain degree of internal angst. One way of saying it is to say that it seems retarded to have so much capacity and yet do so little with it. Like you I'm an excellent singer. Others have told me for years that I should do something with my voice. Then there's my skill with computers (or, more accurately, problem solving). Again, for years, others have told me to "go into computers." But I've realized I don't want to do those things. For the longest time I felt like I had to be, and do, everything--particularly everything I was good at or had talent for. Now I'm realizing that talents merely exist to give us options, and to make it more difficult (and thus, more worthwhile) to find out what we really love to do and have a talent for. <br />
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I'm starting to focus on writing. It's what I want to do; not because it'll be easy, or because I'll make lots of money doing it (odds are against me), or because I have a lot of supporters of my decision, but simply because it is, for me, the intersection of talent and passion. <br />
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Even still I find myself occasionally entertaining the idea of doing 'just one more project' in another area of talent, and I have to remind myself that every iota of effort I spend on other things I can do, but don't really love, is an iota I can't expend on developing my skills in what I do love. One of the surest things in life is that there is a limit to the amount of time we have. We can either try to do everything and be everything to everyone and basically end up being average (or less than average) at everything and a well-rounded but boring and miserable person; or, we can be who we really want to be, and do what we really want to do, and achieve success in both areas.<br />
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Realizing the above has helped bring a degree of serenity and peace into my life. I no longer worry as much about the fact that I can't have my cake and eat it to. I can't write/read and develop solitary talents as well as spend tons of time socializing. I don't want to be "the nice guy" always. Sometimes I want to just say my piece and be true to who I want to be even if it comes off as being an ******* to others. I want to deal with myself and my life as it and I am--and not as I or others want me or my life to be. <br />
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Maybe you'll find aspects of yourself that aren't really, truly, you. That, upon examination, you find to be expectations that others have of you. Root those things out, cast out the things you're trying to be to please others, and really focus on finding out what/who you are. <br />
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For me there's a sense of a puzzle piece finally finding its home when I realize something that IS definitely a part of me, something I value. And equally, a sense of freedom and fierce self-identification when I find something (a belief, an expectation, etc.) that isn't mine, that rubs against my grain, that was internalized within me by others.<br />
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Lastly (having realized I've deviated WAY off the topic of your story), I want to say that I understand, sympathize, and appreciate you as described. <br />
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Reading your story was almost like looking in the mirror. Funny thing is I often feel guilty about forgetting birthdays (but trying to remember them is an immense drain on my mental/emotional resources), but I, too, will do anything for a friend at the drop of a hat.

The question was more rhetorical, but if you're offering....I'll take the Red Pill. Easy.

I'd say you're pretty much human.

Do you want the truth, or just want reassurance and admiration of your uniqueness and specialness? ;) [Red pill -o-/-r- blue pill]