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I Do Everything For Them

I am a mother of 2 kids a boy who is 12 a girl who is 9.  I have been divorced for 6 years and have been engaged for 1 year. Both of my kids live with me and my fiance, they go to there dad's house every other weekend. I do everything for my kids, take them every where they need to go, buy them things they need and sometimes want. I pay for all the extra activities they play.  When they are at there dad's house which is only 4 days a month and they need to go to a b-day party, I will go pick them up and take them..  There dad doesn't do anything over and above his 4 days a month. That is OK with me, but my kids think he hung the moon and they think he is the greatest person in the world, even though I do it all.  When it comes to field trips they call him to see if he wants to go, if he can't go, then they ask mom to go. I don't understand why I am the one who takes care of them, provides for them, does everything, but I am never appreciated, but there dad who does pretty much nothing gets all the respect. It is very hard to deal with!!!
hmcduffie07 hmcduffie07 31-35 67 Responses Feb 20, 2008

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you sound like a great person, and I'm sorry it didn't worm out with your husband. Have you ever thought that their seeing mom too much and they just want to see are for like 1 more day aside from the 4?

Hang in there, sometimes ( and I speak from expirience) kids don't realize how much is done for them, and will often like one parent over another (usually the one who dosn't enforce punishment or rules.) This is what happened in my family till I was about 13. Then I realized that my mom did and still does a lot for me, and even though she can be hard on me it's for the best. So just keep being a good parent and things will hopefully turn out, because when they look back they'll realize who was really there for them.

Have you ever considered that you do too much for your kids? Are you at their "beck and call", so<br />
to speak? Do you think that the more you do, give, or buy them means they should love you more?<br />
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Take a few days to really think about people you respect, and why you respect them. <br />
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Then take more time to think about, even go to the library for parenting or child development books, what children need. How to you build a successful family? <br />
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If you don't think you are respected or appreciated, then it's time to teach that. Yes, I said teach it.<br />
I can guarantee you, kids don't learn it from people who do everything for them. And sadly, they often don't....."come around when they are older". <br />
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If you do this soul searching, and then come to the conclusion that changes need to be made, then design a plan. I wish there were such a thing as a "parenting consultant"....someone with knowledge of several parenting styles and techniques, but as far as I know there isn't one. Even parenting classes can be hard to find. The school's guidance counselor should be a good resource. If you're reluctant to ask at your kids' school, then call another in your county.<br />
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It takes 18 years to teach/guide a child to be confident, independent (prepare his own meals, handle his own money, take responsibility for school work and chores, and develop healthy friendships, have respect and compassion for others). Most parents don't purposely set out to accomplish this.....they just think it will happen along the way. It doesn't. Parenting takes a conscious and educated effort.

wow. well this hit home. I know theres soooo many comments, but I hope you see mine. This is the exact situation I am in. Except I'm your daughter. Well now I am 19 and my brother 21. My mom and dad were divorced when I was 8, so that was 11 years ago. My dad is still in my life also, however without a scheduled appearance. He just comes and goes, I see him like once or twice a week randomly. It works better with everyone conflicting schedules as now we're older. But when i was younger, in grade school and high school. I always kind of did what you said. Praised my dad, thought he was the coolest, asked him first if he would go to Six Flags, all that stuff. I never noticed what my mom had done for me until i started college, then i realized how much MORE my mom actually had contributed, well now both me and my brother fully appreciate her and usually are more willing to lend her a hand, or go to her first with advice or tickets to a show. But i think it took a little growing up, learning from personal experiences to learn. This cool, amazing, fantastic man you always grew up with who just wanted to have fun, and wasn't there to crack down on homework or yell at you for you room. Dad was there for the weekend getaways, and i never saw him in the mean parent light. But now more obvious I realized how little he did for me, and now that my mom doesn't get child support since I turned 18, I realized how little hes contributing, and as an adult (or young adult) I realize the responsibilities he is not taking. I do not know your full situation, I just want you too know. Your kids appreciate what your doing. Maybe not now, or next week, or even next year. But down the line they're going to have a moment, where they realize how much you've contributed to make sure that they will be good in the long run. My love goes to you as if you were my own mother, I hope you see this and realize that they care. And that I care.

In any relationship, the person who is always there is the one taken for granted.<br />
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People value that which is rare. They see their father rarely therefore he seems valuable. They see you every day so they have come to expect you to automatically be there and think nothing of it.

Your children love you more then they know, they really do. Unfortunately it takes the one we love leaving for us to fully realize how much we love them. Your children think everything of their Father because that it natural. Besides seeing their Father as "the man", they only see him four days per month. It is natural for them to vie for his attention because they see him so little. You need to know you are the Mom, and weather you know it or not you are number one. Your children may not show it but you are. You need to realize that they only put him up on a pedestal because they are trying to win his love and affection. I wise man once told me, a child can have many fathers but only one mother. The next time you feel like you have been passed over for him, remember it's because they no how much you love them. It's him they are trying to get them to love.

Counter example. I hate my mother, being separated from her made me hate her even more...

Kids dont see the bad or lack of in a person until they reach a certain age or experience something early from it. Now i was like that with my dad probly seen him 2 day out of every 2 months but i loved when we went around. The reason is he didnt pay attention to me or really care what i did so i could get away with anything. Unlike my mom she cared for me and loved me so she stayed on me. But when i got older she let me move in with him and i seen everything that she did and would do for me compared to how he didnt even notice me. If i could take it back and do it over i would appreciate her more for everything she did for me.

There is a saying "Familiarity breed contempt". Since they see him only 4 days a month, they don't really know him well enough to judge. They are just seeing the outer shell. Where as since you are bringing them up, they have seen your luv , you anger to discipline them (normal discipling i mean) and of course kids that age always hate that. So it is natural phenomenon. I agree with lllgrinlkkl that they like and trust you more. Whether it is kids or adults, if you trust some one and feel close to some one you take more liberty. <br />
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Now to be a bit more philosophical, Expectation feeds disappointment. So don't encourage expectation from any one, which may lead to disappointment. Just do what you are supposed to do, if they reciprocate well and good other wise, you did that as part of your commitment not theirs.<br />
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Cheers.

My family was like that. Although my father was the one unappreciated. He worked his but off and never took vacations and we would still fight with him and be rude, disrespectful, and worse. But as time wore on we gained perspective and appreciate what he has done for us. I think your kids will understand more and more. They are just believing what is easy for them to believe because everything isn't on the surface for them to see.

Wow, I hope my mother knows that I appreciate everything she does for me and my sisters. I mean I tell her that I love here and give her a hug even though she laughs and tells me to **** Off.

Sounds really unfair and like the father should do much more. Is there no way you can make this happen? It also sounds like you should take some time to look after yourself. Can you cut back on all this stuff you do for them? It's no good if you're resenting it at the same time, even for them ultimately.<br />
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On the other hand, it's always important for parents to keep in mind that having kids is a choice they've made, as adults. It's an option, not something anyone is forced to do (not usually anyway). Also, as the adult you're the one who should be in control, as long as you approach it in a balanced way. <br />
Sounds to me like you're giving your kids as much stability as possible, love and a happy life (besides of course, the legal basics like clothes, food, education, a roof over their heads & freedom from abuse) which is a lot more than many parents do, and if so, you must be doing a great job.

this sounds like my mother,i'm so sorry,i don't know what to say,im not a parent,but im am sorry and i hope that things work out,

I agree with everyting that has been said so I won't repeat it. I am in the EXACT same situation but with one 11 year old boy. His dad is not quite as bad as yours, however, sometimes when you have more interaction from the other side it can cause more fricition. Even though his time with them is small, be grateful for small things, if you know what I mean. Anyway, you do have to understand that if you keep running to not only your kids rescue but dad-friend's rescue, they will never learn to appreciate you. If they are at his house and have to go to a party, let dad take them or they don't go. The lack in care they receive from dad will be become evident much quicker if you stop rushing in to save them/him. I used to do the exact same things. I stopped and guess what? My son notices that he can depend on Mommy. Things are different with Mommy. And even though Daddy makes a lot more money than me with a MUCH bigger house, my son would much rather be at my house. He only goes to his dad's now because he knows it's what he is supposed to do, but if he had his choice he'd stay with me. I know hao you are feeling right now. Trust me when I say one day your rewards will come. Some of your issues sound partly controling (no offense, I know cause I am the same way) and partly just being an all around GREAT mother to you kids (from one GREAT mother to another). Every great mother never wants to see her children dissapointed but dissapointment won't kill them. It may only make them stronger and probably make their appreciation for you stronger.

You do not have to do those things...you get to...and quit being a martyr...just be a good mom...stop comparing yourself to your ex (who you are obviously still hung up on).

I just have to believe how much they appreciate you now cause they won't know for years!

I just have to believe how much they appreciate you now cause they won't know for years!

You're an American mom- you want love not respect. Demand respect. Demand obedience and high standards Its 3 yrs later and it isn't going to get better as they get older. Who cares if they think dad is awesome. You are their custodial parent. Suck it up, don't expect them to fall on you telling you how much they love you (they do, even when they hate you). They'll be parents themselves b4 they do that.

I'll give you a good reason as to why your kids give him all the Credit. First and foremost, you do EVERYTHING for your kids. Second most is, that you have created no boundaries with your children and therefore they have expectations from you because you do EVERYTHING for them. They have nothing to appreciate when they know they are going to what they want no matter what. It's possible Dad doesn't do everything for them and that's why he gets the "Gold Star" because its Disney Land 4 days a month with him so they miss him more than you and treasure him more because of your behavior and the simple fact that they live with you and they are used to seeing you everyday and . I get SO SICK when I hear this stories because the answer is right in front of their face. If you Tone your attitude of doing everything for them then you will receive that appreciation you think you've tried so hard for. The truth be told you've created your own weaknesses and your own problems. 9 and 12 year old children are perfectly able to do alot of things that parents continue to do when they shouldn't. Teach them some responsibility and values, not hey baby you sit there every night and I'll wipe that tail for you on cue.

Oh my god. I meant to say " i am NOT proud of myself" that was a terrible typo. MY apologies....

*sigh* I am like that to my mother. It is almost the same situation. I don't know why I am this way to her, but I am proud of myself because of it! I love my mother and she does everything for me. I treat her like crap most of the time. I don't really mean to. Sometimes it just happens. I wish I could treat her better but we aren't a very loving family. She never really shows that much affection with us. Though our dad does. He says he loves us plenty of times. My mom not so much. I guess I'm just not use to showing affection to her. I am very sad with myself. I get mad at myself when I treat my mother like crap. She deserves nothing but the best. Just know that your children love you even if they might not show it. THEY LOVE YOU! They will understand what they put you through and they will regret it. Just show them you love them and maybe they will show it back. <br />
They are still young.

no matter what, it still sucky sucky sucky HURTS like hell!!! I SOOO go thru this very very same thing to the point I am so down . My x comes and gets them when he wants, controls every frickin thing they SAY , THINK, or DO, makes every single damn decision in their life to the point he twists it to make them think they THEY are the ones that are making it , but he gives them no ultimatem. I KNOW the kind of guy you are dealing with!! I dealt with two of them but the latter is worse!!! by far. This man comes into my home, picks up socks i JUST BOUGHT my little boy...says HE BOUGHT THEM! (he buys these kids NOTHING!!)....makes them bring the NICE THINGS to his home then somehow brainwashees them to believe that he has the rights to every item i buy for them!!!and keeps it at his house. I forbid them to take things but when you divide days its almost impossible...I sacrifice so my kids can have @!! WHAT?? just to get it ripped away from the no good non child support paying %^&*()_+ ???? UNBELIEVAFREAKABLE!!! <br />
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I feel for you GF!! Hand in there! One day his day is coming. One day....

try to remember that your kids are fortunate to have a father to spend weekends with. i know you're not feeling appreciation from them right now in their lives but try not to feel so hard done by either. there are solo mothers out there who are worse off than you. take my children's father for example... he was so violent and abusive he's an unfit person let alone an unfit parent. i have NEVER had a break from my children in all the years i've been raising them because they don't have a weekend father to visit. i do all the same things you do for your children without a break from them, ever. try to imagine what that's like.

Oh grow up! If you are so low that you freak out when you're not totally appreciated, then you're not fit to be a mother!

familiarity breeds contempt and whilst i'm sure your children love you very much they probably don't appreciate what you do because you have become a provider and this is now seen as the norm. I was brought up in a home with 5 children and my mother had one arm she did all the things that you do but we also were taught from a very early age to play our part and we had our chores. This has taught me the value of sharing and increased my confidence and self esteem. Look up the 10 life laws on the web it will help. Life law number 1 is you either get it or you don't. If you are taken for granted its because you allow it to happen by being ever faithful ever there. If suddenly you had to go away for what ever reason how would they cope. Teach them now so they benefit later

WOW. I could have written that. . . <br />
<br />
and they come home with an attitude towards you that takes you a week to knock back in shape and then you have to do it all over again..and its an endless cycle. But I want my kids to love their Daddy. Dont get me wrong. Its just that if he had HIS WAY..they would not even EXIST!!! Yah. He wanted me to abort them, but now he wants them to treat them like the hero he isnt.<br />
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Oh well. Such is life and thats why i say KARMA~~~!!!<br />
It will come back to him. In time.<br />
Maybe not tomorrow or even in the next year. But trust me. Been there done that <br />
Twice. And not short term...Talkin 10 yr marriage , 5 yr marriage. The kids KNOW you love them and sacrifice everything you have so they can have. <br />
"One day this too shall pass"

They won't truly appreciate all that you've done until they have kids of their own. Being unappreciated is a part of motherhood. *Shrugs*....you don't have kids to feel appreciated.... Every mother thinks this at some point.

My parents are divorced and my mom does everything for us. And i only get to see my dad every other weekend as well. Even though they don't show it, they really do appreciate what you do for them. Maybe the only reason they turn to him for all that stuff is because they miss him and they don't get to see him often. No matter how you feel, they do appreciate you.

The truth is no matter what, You will always be appreciated, as long as you do it with Love and Sincerity. They are your children, always remember them as your JOY! We may not necessarily see Appreciation from a person at an immediate time of expectation, but what you have done, to help, the care, the love u've shown to your 12year old son and your 9year old girl will never be forgotten in their hearts. I really admire what you do everyday to keep your family united. Keep on doin it,! Because GOD who brought them(Your children) will never LEAVE YOU! Your Appreciated by GOD, more than you can imagine!

hello.<br />
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I couldn't help but relate to your story... listen I want to tell you something, and you may not like it, but just consider it please. I was your children at one time, well me and my brother were. We totally acted like the universe revovlved around our father, although he was a deadbeat dad. My mother also did it all and always has, and I know that today. But even though I may have acted as if I put my dad on some sort of pedestal, I was just trying to be his little girl, because the truth is... and please take this for what it's worth. Your kids overcompensate evry moment with him because deep-dow they realize that is all the time they get with him, it's not so much about them wanting to hurt you- I promise, if anything you should stand tall and pat yourself on the back for being a wonderful mother... Your children know that and they do realize that you do it all, if they didn't then why would they be comftorable with telling you what they secretly want? And there's no big secret to that lingering question that has to float around in thier young, vibrant and forgiving minds... they just want more from him, they want thier dad and that may hury, but your children are riight on track with loe and acceptance. You are raising them to be you! Strong, caring and forgiving, Best wishes to your family. thank you for reading this, i truly hope it gives u comfort

Seaman & Montarlot:<br />
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Sometimes divorce is the only way to prevent destroying lives, especially in abusive marriages. In my biological parents' marriage, it was more dangerous to remain in the relationship than to leave it. Some people simply are not meant to be together no matter how much they may love each other. Love can't be used as a litmus test for marriage. Sure, it's a part of why people marry but there are other things to consider such as trust, loyalty, respect for each other (both sides & not just one), sharing everything including child care, household duties, and paying bills. <br />
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Verbal and even worse physical assaults on a parent by another parent does nothing except hurt the children in the end. It can also lead to fights becoming so brutal that someone will end up in the hospital if not in the morgue. <br />
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So in contrast with what you say here, sometimes divorce is the ONLY way to assure the safety of the family. I've witnessed parents who fought like mad when they were under the same roof come together as a family though without marriage or living together yet become better parents to the children and better friends to each other. It isn't that the relationship lacked love; it was that the love could not sustain the marriage. All we can hope for is to have a respectful relationship between parents when the marriage falls apart for whatever reason; however, in cases of abuse, there should be no interaction until the abuser and the abused, including the children, all get into therapy but not family therapy. Family therapy should come only after certain goals are met such as anger management issues and learning to respect oneself as well as others around you especially the family created before the abuse began. Even with therapy and family therapy, I am still not convinced that a couple of abuse would be any better off trying to reconcile as a married couple. It would depend alot on how long the abuse had been taking place. <br />
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Sometimes it's just better to be friends and work hard to parent the children without creating some grand war between the parents. Should one of the parents marry again or begin dating again years later there should be long discussions regarding the roles everyone will play in the family unit. <br />
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I was fortunate in that area because my ex walked and didn't come back so while I am technically in a blended marriage with children from two separate marriages, both my children have one dad and that's the one whose at home every night, attends special performances, holds them tight when their hearts are broken, and loves them as unconditionally as I do. We each parent in our own way; however, both of us reached a point long ago that in order to be better parents we had to stick together as a unified force when it came to our children. We don't have any of that running to dad or running to mom to get what the child wants. I'm the harshest one that handles disciplinary action whereas my husband isn't but he does stand by my disciplinary actions and follows through with their groundings, well just the one now since the oldest is no longer at home. She is in college and moved closer to campus almost a year ago now. <br />
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I guess I just wanted to say that remaining married isn't always the right thing or the safest thing to do either. Divorce is often a relief. <br />
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Quote:<br />
Choosing divorce frequently destroys lives, yours and your husbands included. They should tell people this in Marriage 101. Now all you can do is make the most of it.