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What Do You Give When You Have Nothing Left...

I am 26 years old and have three children. i am married to a wonderful guy but he drives me nuts. my husband and i both work full time jobs at different times. i work 8am to 5pm monday-friday. he works 6pm to 6am on a rotation shift. we usually only see each other for a few minutes in the morning during the week and every other weekend. i get up at 5 in the morning and get ready for work, then i get the kids up and ready. my oldest has ADHD and is a pain in the *** in the mornings. by the time i get them ready and get all their stuff up it's usually around 6:30am. i start getting them put in their car seats and their daddy gets home at 6:45. so as we are leaving, he's just getting home. After i take them to school and day care, i go to work. i get off work at 5 and have to rush to the day care cause it closes at 5:30pm. my husband leaves the house at 5:00pm to go to work. i have to go by the store, the post office, and the gas station so by the time i get home it's 6:30 or later. then i fix dinner, help with homework, get up clothes for tomorrow, give baths. then it's around 9pm which is bed time. this is the same boring routine i do every day. i never get a break from it. then my husband is so damn dependent on me for a the little things he doesn't want to do, iron his work clothes, keep gas in the vehicles, buy his cigarettes, keep drink in the house, keep money in his wallet, shine his boots, etc... i don't have a problem doing these things for him but a break would be nice.

candjn candjn 26-30, F 40 Responses Apr 8, 2007

Your Response


Hi Candjn...own what you're going through, accept your circumstances - it's the first step to gaining some control over it. Secondly, train your children up to be self-reliant and independent; give them chores to do..this'll teach them responsibility and self confidence if you encourage their activities as they learn. Thirdly, talk about your daily routine, your feelings about your situation to your spouse...unless he's aware of what you're going through, he, like most men, will not have a clue about your state of mind. Then, as your children grow older, YOU have to make the time my dear. At some point, you're going to have to say to them all "OK, it's mummy time and I'm going to have a nice cuppa tea now (or do your own facial, pamper yourself, etc) and I'd like you all to continue what you're doing but you're only allowed to disturb mummy if it's really really important!". Happy mummy, happy family :-). Hang in there..they'll grow up soon enough!

From my point of view good mothers rarely have time for themselves and that makes you one! Someday you'll look back to that situation and would realize that the struggles you faced just made you one better person, mother, and wife. <br />
I wish one day soon you'll get the break that you deserve...

It's called COMMUNICATION. <br />
He's not a mind reader you know.

Hi there, <br />
I know that you must feel very underappreciated, so I'd like to share something from a book I read. <br />
<br />
"Try very hard not to see your partner as the enemy, or the opposotion. In fact, see no-one and nothing as the enemy-or even the problem. Cultivate the technique of seeing all problems as oppertunities. See more in you then you think there is to be seen, See more in your partner too. <br />
You will never disserve your realtionship-or anyone-by seeing more in another than they are showing you. For there is more, Much more. It is only their fear that stops them from showing you. If others notice that you see them as more, they will feel safe to show you what you obviously already see. <br />
<br />
(with the kids, it'll be like it was suggested to you above where the mother lets her kid dress themselves-encourage them, "I know you can do it, I know you've got it in you."-and with the hubby, its a case of "come on you're a big boy, when you go into a shop to get your lunch, get your own cigarettes, and by the way, I'll buy the daily food we need, and you do the weekly shop on the weekend-i realise that you may think you dont have time, but the fact is if i didn't do it for you, you would have to buy your own food-you would make time to get food-you would find the time so find the time now-it'll only take an hour, that means that whilst you're out doing that, i can clean the house, so in an hour, we can achieve alot more if we do it together" and when you get back we can all relax, im not in this marriage on my own. You'd soon notice if i stopped doing things for you, now i dont begrudge doing these things, but i also feel that I dont need to do it all, all the time, Im going to run out of steam and you'll have to do everything, so instead of that, just help me out a little now. I am a good wife, I have supported you and Im doing as much as i can, but i need you to help me out, this is not a family of 1, this is a family of 5-so we need to work as a team, we are a team, im not the team manager, we're all equal, so we all need to pull our weight, its not unreasonable, because if i left you tomorrow, you'd have to do everything)<br />
<br />
You have a right to your joy-children or no children, spouse or no spouse. Seek it! Find it! And you will have a joyful family. I think you should try to find something that you enjoy. Even if you think you dont have time, you go to the toilet, why not take you're little breaks in there. Then you could get a little notebook and all you have to do is write down 5 things you are grateful for. <br />
The fact is some people have lost their husbands and kids, and as much as they may have moaned about them, would swap 1 day of stress and strif with them, then not having them at all. Try to remember how you looked at your hubby when you first started dating, try to remember how you felt after you gave irth and looked at your kids for the first time, I bet you found yourself saying to them "oh little thing, bundle of joy, I will take such good care of you, i will always be here for you, i want the best for you, i love you so much, I would never begrudge being your mother, in fact im so proud and so lucky that i am your mother, and ill spend everyday letting you know just how much you are loved"<br />
<br />
Now you need to turn this back on yourself. There was a time when you were tiny and in someones arms and they said the same things about you. You are precious, you do deserve the best, you do deserve to be happy, you do deserve to have a good life-you weren't bornto please another, you came here to please yourself, and you have chosen to have a family, so dont begrudge them, you chose them.<br />
<br />
But also know this, your family are helping you to play out the idea you have of yourself, If you see yourself as a loving mother, supportive wife and the engine of your family then embrace what you are doing, for these chores you detest are actually helping you to be who and what you think you are. If you think of yourself as a supportive mother, then giving your kids support is facilitating who you say you are. <br />
If you see yourself as a loving supportive wife, then getting the gas in the car and buying his cigarettes, is facilitating what you see yourself as. <br />
Try not to begrudge your family for they are facilitating what you see yourself as. If you dont like who and what you say you are, then change your mind. Yes im a loving mother, i support my family, but before all that I am a woman, I deserve to be looked after too, if we all help each other out, we can all feel supported and loved, this is give and take people, because the fact is if i keep going like i am i'll have nothing left to give you, i will break down and then you loose out on everything, so if you help me out now, that wont happen and we can carry on our happy life together, but we cant turn against each other, we need to support each other right now, so you guys need to understand that mummy loves you very much, but im getting tired and i need you to do more for yourself, not for my benefit but for all our benefits, you'll have to do this stuff for yourself at some point, so you might as well start now. I know you can do it, i know you have it in you"<br />
<br />
"if a woman who works at a job she hates in order to meet responsibilities as she sees them "is who you are" then love love love your job for it totally supports your self image, your self concept. <br />
Everyone can love everything, the moment they understand what they are doing and why. No-one does anything he doesnt want to"<br />
<br />
You chose your family-just try to remember why and remind yourself often. <br />
Peace and love Georgia

Sorry,love but you should have enough spatial knowledge that men are emotionally less mature than women,because they have less to lose.If I were lucky enough to have a young wife like you,I would SOOO try my best to alleviate your burdens.But god,being the royal **** that she is is never going to give me the chance to be a husband and father.P.S. your husband HAS to realize that you are a wonderful woman, and go back to school and get a career that pays more,hopefully.Best of luck.He's also a little stupid and NEEDS to pitch in with the housework.

Holy Moses woman I am in awe! Don't know what to say except, if you are unhappy with the set up...schedule some time to talk to the hubby. And I think you need to negotiate for some "me time" but that's just what I would do... Women have a hard time being selfish...we need to be more selfish. It pays off.

life is not easy on anyone when there's not enough time, and looking for ways to improve things, actually takes, a bit of time. if you have relatives that you can beg for a day, to take care of your kids, so you two can have some time together to discuss the important issues in your life, i suggest you do so. i look after my sister's three tots occasionally and she and my brother-in-law seem glad for even a half hour together and away from the kids or whatever. You just need to find a bit of breathing room for yourselves as adults to be together somewhere.

I know work is important to your family therefore, neither one of you may not be able to reduce work hours or change shifts..<br />
<br />
For now, you may need to delegate some tasks to your husbands to take care on his days off and the spare time he has each day after waking up in the afternoon, like pay the bills, do some shopping, go to the post office etc...<br />
<br />
Reason: because only you are available to help the kids each morning and in the evening, bathe the kids, help with homework, make dinner, etc., those tasks alone are enough to fill up your schedule.

Talk it out with him

Don't feel bad about saying your kid is a pain in the a**....ALL kids can be a pain in the a**. I don't care what kind of special needs or disabilities they have, all kids act like KIDS sometimes. My daughter is the love of my life and I wouldn't trade her for the world.....but I'm not gonna feel guilty when I say that she can reeeeeeaallly get on my nerves sometimes. If you can't admit that about your own kids, then you're only lying to yourself!!! Hang in there, girl, I consider my husband my third child and trust me, I know how frustrating and tiring it can be. I currently stay at home with my youngest, but trust me, I was working when I met my hub and already had a five year old. I worked until I was six months pregnant with my son on my feet in a kitchen doing very long hard hours. And believe me, my husband helped just as much then as he does now--not at all. I plan on going to school full time and starting a new career after that. And I know I will still be doing everything myself. I think it just makes us women stronger.....not that I like doing it alone, but I know after surviving raising a family and keeping a home, I can survive anything :)

Even though its all clear that you have all domestic and household responsibilites , and you are sole responsible of taking care of your kids at home.But , in spite of all hard work and tiring schedule , you don't sound very much fed up and bored with your life.And , your whole story tells me about your confidence,your determination and true devotion to your husband and your family.And , not a single sentence of you gave me any negative energy , any disappointment or complains. But , its showed me your potential of keeping up positive attitude of living tough life. Hats off to U !

Even though its all clear that you have all domestic and household responsibilites , and you are sole responsible of taking care of your kids at home.But , in spite of all hard work and tiring schedule , you don't sound very much fed up and bored with your life.And , your whole story tells me about your confidence,your determination and true devotion to your husband and your family.And , not a single sentence of you gave me any negative energy , any disappointment or complains. But , its showed me your potential of keeping up positive attitude of living tough life. Hats off to U !

I decided to write to you to let you know one thing: DON't GIVE UP. I live with a child with autism and I can relate to how you say that he is a pain in the ****. It doesn't mean that you don't love him/her, but it means you are human. We all have our limits. My wife and I are, as well, 2 ships passing. Sometimes we both feel like single parents.<br />
<br />
I read many of the comments and I can tell that many of them do not understand the intense struggle between upholding a family, a marriage, a job AND your sanity. This struggle is NOT never-ending. Sure, your child may always be special needs, but time changes all things. Your husband will get a clue - either by speaking to him or a bat over the head. LOL Your children will mature and, with some prays from up above - your sanity will return. <br />
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My advise would be to find some time in the day to refocus and recharge. Somedays, this is only 5 minutes when I am sitting in the car before I see my wife and kids. Other times, I find some time when I am home. I have told my children, when I am at my wits end, that daddy needs a time-out. I started small and lengthened it as they understood the rules, (This happened over a long periods of time) . Depending on the kids maturity and patience, I make this time from 10 minutes to an hour. (I tell my kids that the rule for time out if that their body must be on their beds - no touching th floor. I make them potty, ect beforehand so there is no reason to leave their room. And-when I am real lucky - they fall asleep. <br />
<br />
As for chores, I agree that, as adults, everyone should help out. Even kids can do the small stuff, even if it's simply straightening pillows, throwing clothes in the hamper, picking up their toys, whatever. <br />
<br />
Let your husband know when you are tired. Remind him that you are not wonder woman. As a man, I forget all the things my wife does for me. And it doesn't mean I don't appreciate it, but life has a way of running off. Remember to always love, laugh and pray. And if he doesn't get it, don't do those things. He's an adult - not a child. If he complains, let him. Your his wife, not his maid or his mother. <br />
<br />
Good luck and be strong!

Tell your husband that you are tired doing these. Tell him that it is difficult enough to juggle between work and kids. He should have done more by himself because during the day after he sleeps he should be able some things.

Tell your husband that you are tired doing these. Tell him that it is difficult enough to juggle between work and kids. He should have done more by himself because during the day after he sleeps he should be able some things.

I think its important for you to patient. It must be really hard for you. I think you should discuss these issue with you family members and any one of you should actually try to change you job, so that you can able to send more time together, which is also important for you kids. regarding work you should ask you husband to take some responsibility. Anger and depression is not a solution. Try to enjoy small things like talk to your husband on phone, explain him your problem, enjoy your work, kids are good source of happiness too and things will change slowly.

I think everybody covered all the bases here. It makes sense why you are tired, anyone under those circumstances would be, but i assume no one is standing there telling you how to live and or forcing you to do all those household duties. So in that case, try taking more breaks, and if your husband says anything, tell him he needs to pitch in a little more because you are overwhelmed. Your kids sound young so you might not see hard core evidence of their appreciation for some time. But from someone on the outside looking in, i would say, and i think that everyone else would agree, that you are doing a great job. We all at one point get tired and bored with our lives, thats normal, and we all figure out a way to keep going. Your kids arent something you can send back, thats why having children is an important decision. We know going in that life is going to be a little more challenging from the day they are born. So, since it's the choice you made, all you can do is what you've been doing--your best to take care of them. Hang in there, someday they will be grown, and will be able to understand and appreciate the sacrifices you made.

In all fairness, you should be telling HIM!

I am a single full time dad. My daughter is 11 and about to go into high school. So in some ways we have the same problem i.e. juggling kids work etc.<br />
The only thing that gets me through is the fact that I know my daughter is growing up quickly and becoming more independent. One day she will be old enough not to need me anymore and my life will be less hectic. I will have more time for my self.<br />
It cold comfort I know.<br />
And stuff your husband, shine his shoes etc. What a pr@#k!

I'm worried for you. If something similar doesn't happen for you soon your marriage is going to come under too much pressure to survive. <br />
<br />
Perhaps the answer in the short-term would be for your husband to secure a different job - a daytime one, so at least you get to spend the evenings and nights together? Failing that, could he switch to the day-shift?<br />
<br />
Your situation isn't good for the children either - especially as one already suffers from hyper-activity. For their sake, you need to get some joint-parental quality time into your lives.<br />
<br />
Otherwise the worry is that your marriage will head south. Perhaps he could explain that fact to his boss to get his shift changed?<br />
<br />
Hugs nad best wishes.<br />
<br />

Wow, Mom you deserve a break.<br />
<br />
While it is indeed true that we make our own choices, I doubt it is helpful to advise you on taking responsibility for those choices. As a matter of fact, you are, in essence taking quite a bit of responsibility for them every single day. It sounds as if you are burdened by more than your fair share, however.<br />
<br />
Perhaps it would be helpful for you to discuss your feelings, thoughts and concerns with your husband in a non-threatening manner. Its clearly your choice, but if you can find someone who you trust to watch your children for a while, maybe you and your husband can get away from the stress and have a chance of re-connecting on an emotional level.<br />
<br />
There are two sides to every story, and we know yours. Your husband also has his version of how your daily lives interact, and he deserves to express his views without being blamed. Marriage is indeed a partnership, and without sincere, heart-felt, honest communication it can become a very heavy burden on both of you.<br />
<br />
If these problems cannot be resolved, then perhaps both of you should consider making different choices in your lives.<br />
<br />
I sincerely hope you find a a resolution to these things that trouble you, and also that there is peace, love, and serenity in your life.

A strong warning for you, Mom....My life was just like yours - busy; rushed; kids; worked full-time outside the home; did my husband's bookwork for his business; did all the housework, laundry, cooking, dishes, grocery shopping, bill-paying, errands; all the gift-buying, planning and preparing food for every birthday, holiday, and special occasion. ..a very stressful life. All my husband had to do was work, eat, and sleep. <br />
<br />
I ended up with MS. Nobody knows what causes it, but I'm sure that stress was a big part of it. I'm happy to say that he has really stepped up and now does more than I ever knew he could. He's really become my right arm, and actually fun to be around. He does all the grocery shopping, cooks some - even bakes cookies! Could/would yours be able to change places with you? Ask him before it's too late.

i'm very sorry to hear this. i can hear your frustration.

Check this out :<br />
<br />
Although it seems to be about finding the right opposite-sex relationship (from the title), it actually helps a great deal in understanding relationships with other people and finding that balanced life everyone wants.

Crap! Typed up what I thought was a nice response and then wasn't logged in and lost it all. :(<br />
<br />
One quick comment is it's OK to be mad at your kids. It's not displaced anger, or abnormal, or bad to be mad at them. Its an emotion not good or bad. Emotions are motivators pure and simple. As long as you don't do negative things with your emotions it's fine. Your anger actually probably gives you the energy to do what needs to be done on some mornings.<br />
<br />
I have two boys 9 and 6 and they both have ADHD. On most mornings before the medication kicks in following directions or staying on task is out of the question. I'm proud to say that they can both be total pains in the ***. AHDH is a blessing and a curse and in the mornings I typically see the curse. Sometimes I just give in to the chaos and have a good time. <br />
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It is tough! I can see improvement over time, though, even if it takes a LONG time to see that improvement.

You are a very hardworking, loving and admirable mother. Still though, I would suggest to take a break, escape that routine, and take time for yourself. Having a child with ADHD is not easy. It would be good for you to take time to go out (but not to work) like to the movies or something. :) Hugs

i'm osama 30 years old single<br />
i'm petrolium engineer

I agree with alot of what the comments are saying. You need to sit down with your husband and talk with him. If he is leaving at 5:00 p.m. then he should have dinner all ready cooked for you when you get home at 5:30. When you get married you both contribute you skills. Your husband needs to step up to the plate and take on his share of the responsibility in your marriage.

wow.....i value your courage,selfless, and love for your family.<br />
I relate to this story, because my mother was in that same situation. and now my sister is in that same situation, i in the other hand,,.I stand as far as possible from relationships lol<br />
It amazes me how mentally strong they are, i would have broken out or walked out long time. lol Ask for help, i help my sister all the time, i clean her house and hang out with her kids alot and talk to your husband, work something out. For the sake of family, talk to each other. iam pretty sure he is worned out too...<br />
I hope yall not thinking about a 4th child lol

well stop doing all those things for him until he appreciates what you do. Once he starts missing all your do for him he will start appreciating you again!!