Unappreciated Mother

I have 3 children. It's expected that they will be demanding, selfish, and inconsiderate and cause problems as they become teens.  I made sacrifices to make sure my kids had what they needed and wanted. I had 2 pair of jeans 4 shirts and 3 sets of undergaments and those with holes or safety pins in them but my children wore nice things and never did without because I didn't want them critisized as I had been growing up with little to nothing.  My daughter had aspirations of going into the Air Force but she was hit by a truck while crossing the street one day.  I was at her bedside in the hospital and at home taking care of her every need and comforting her. I've got terminal Lupus and rhuematoid arthritis among other things and it was very difficult for me to do this. I had to be helped up at times by my son because I couldn't move on my own. The injury caused her to have a metal rod put in her leg and the Air Force wouldn't take her and she'd given up and I told her let's try the Army. They were reluctant too and I worked hard and I mean HARD to get her accepted. She was finally given a waiver and went into boot camp. Of course her leg gave her problems and she was always in pain and couldn't pass the 2 mile run.  I encouraged her, supported her, kept her spirits up by sending her 6 and 7 letters a day. EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK!!!  She was allowed calls and she wanted me to tell the base commander why she couldn't pass the tests and I did and they allowed her to do a timed 2 mile walk instead of trying to run and she passed!!! She told me that I would never have to worry about money, that I would never have to move again and that she would take care of me. She submitted papers to have me declared as her dependent and said I was moving to her 6 year duty station so that she could be with me. I'm thinking whether I'm approved or not she wants me there. I began to get ready for this move by donating things that I didn't need like furniture and such and my place was practically empty. My application was disapproved and that is when my daughter tells me that she didn't want me there unless I'd been her dependent. It took 2 months for the request to come back. 2 months time that she could have told me that my coming there was under this condition. I wouldn't have given away my belongings if she'd told me this!  I was upset but I let it go and it was okay. She was calling me everyday twice a day just to talk and then she met this old man. She's 19 and he was 30. She used to tell me things because we could talk to each other and she was sharing with me one day and he was there and she told me something about him and I heard him yell at her not to tell your mother things about me. She got off the phone after that outburst and I was concerned.  The phone calls from her went from every day to non existant. I wrote her a letter telling her that he was controlling and a controlling man is an abusive man and that he would cut you off from your family and friends and she wouldn't listen but that's exactly what happened. She completely cut me off! I'd call and get no response.   I'd put her name on my bank account and now after a year she's taken her name off of it without even telling me about it. I had an excellent banking  history for 5 years and she had been overdrafting the account every month since she got out of boot camp and I had covered her charges and given her money from my own seperate account basically taking care of her like I always had.  I called her about this and left a message to which she responded if she didn't always have to pay me back she'd never be broke.  I had given her money that she said she would pay me back and hadn't and since she was no longer on friendly terms with me I asked for it and she said she'd sent it western union but she'd lied and when I questioned her on it via text message she responded that I was a spoiled brat and to leave her alone!! I was stunned.  This is the child that claimed to love me!  So I left her alone since that's what she wanted.  My daughter and I have a strong connection and one day I just knew that something had happened to her but knowing how she had turned against me I fought the feeling until I couldn't stand it and I called her job and was told that she was in in the hospital after attempting suicide!! I immediately called the hospital to speak to her and she refused to take my call. I told the nurse to ask her if she wanted me to come see her and the nurse told me she'd said no!  As it turns out she blamed me for her suicide attempt and said I should have let her find out what a rotten *** that man was on her own.  Now she REALLY hated me and told her sister that she would never come back home.  She did come around a little and told me that the man had been beating on her, choked her, and burned her with a cigarette lighter.  We'd discusses abusive men for years and I'd warned her if a man raised his hand to you leave him alone. She didn't listen and we all paid for it. I'm still paying.  My son.  MY son.  He's just unexplainable. He was a straight F student from 8th grade through high school and my solution was to have him get a GED, get a job, and at 17 enlist. He called a friend of his and threatened to kill himself and that friend called the cops! I had him removed from my home because he was purely hateful by this time and he was sent to his father who had NEVER been involved in his life. That didn't last long. My son came back. I gave him another chance to do right. I gave him what he wanted and an allowance thinking he was being responsible and he was back to making F's and deceiving me about it. I put him in a school to get his GED and all he had to do was take a pre-test that was a hour long and he finised in 20 minutes and the reason was that he'd put down anything which made him have to take remedial classes and then regular classes which he was supposed to attend 30 consecutive days and although he left my house for school he didn't go to school and I happened to call and check on him which is when I found out about his skipping school. I had the Army recruiter onboard and the initial steps to enlisting had been made. Because he'd messed up he had to restart the program from day one which he did and then he was able to take the test. Meanwhile his test from his physical came back positive for pot. I was devastated because I'd emphasized not using drugs to all my children their entire lives! He had to wait 45 days before he could be tested again. He passed his GED and we'd set up his drug screening on a Friday and he passed but when he went to the testing station on Monday he failed again!  He'd used pot again just to fail the test so that he wouldn't go into the Army. He didn't just stop it for then he stopped it for a lifetime. He can never go in. We had constant disagreements about his future and although I was as supportive and encouraging as I had been he continued to battle me at every turn. I brought up his going into job corps since the military didn't work out. He agreed until the day we went to the office to sign him up and he tells me then that he's changed his mind. And although I didn't have to I made sure that he had some where to live once he turned 18 because I couldn't let him stay with me anymore. To this day I will call him with job opportunities that he will turn down or not even look into. He has no money, no job, is living with his friend and his mother and is using them like he used me.  Absolutely no appreciation for me whatsoever and it hasn't occured to him that he's not doing well. Finally my oldest child. My goodness. She's another one. She has 3 children of her own and I'm a grandmother to the bone--when she lets me be one. I've taken care of her and her kids although she is an adult and should be independent of me. She put me through some tough tough times bringing her up. Too much to list here. I've gone above and beyond for her too and she is as grossly unappreciative as the other two. There is just something about my nature where people see my kindness as weakness and it's not important to them because they expect I will ALWAYS be there for them.  True I have been but it's a part of unconditional love from a mother to her children.  I'm spending this Christmas alone for the first time in my life. My daughter in the Army lied and told me she had duty and wouldn't be doing anything and I called her because I felt bad that she'd be by herself on Christmas day and as it turns out she's on vacation in Pennsylvania with a friend and not even thinking about me as if I don't exist. My oldest daughter is off in another city too and I'd bought a gift for her and my grandchildren and she wouldn't even come by to pick it up. I don't have a lot of money and no car.  I also bought my son a gift and he lives practically across the street and he wouldn't walk over to pick his gift up. It's ungratefulness as it has always been. I don't imagine my children would even cry if I died.  I don't want them or anyone else at my burial and I'm not having a funeral. There's no point.  It really feels good to purge these thoughts and I can begin to heal.  It's best for me to leave them all alone as they have left me alone and that is one of my New Years resolutions.
Comprehensive Comprehensive
31-35, F
7 Responses Dec 24, 2006

I always talked very openly with my 3 kids. I had no trouble until they were 15 and up. My oldest never got into trouble. My middle one started acting up at 15. At 20 I threw him out. My youngest I'm ready to throw in the towel. It's not easy these days.I survived. I'm not sur how,but I did it. The two oldest are doing great and we talk 3-4 times a week. The youngest calls when he needs help. He'll turn 30 this year. The helping hand is empty. They do admit that they were spoiled.

By this time... (2009) I would hope that your children have changed their thoughts and attitudes! I hope that you are doing fine as a family...There were times when I've also taken my parents for granted...but there's nothing wrong with a little tough love! Next time they need help from you either say "NO".. or make them work for what they need...don't be so easy to just give it to them because you're setting yourself up to feel unappreciated again only because, you know how they are and how they've treated you! I had to go through tough love and it was hard!!!..but it mad me appreciate and love my parents that much more!!! And I want to let you know that after reading this story..I appreciate you for being such a great mother to your kids!

You stated....<br />
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she responded that I was a spoiled brat and to leave her alone!! <br />
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this sounds like it was something that she heard from her boyfriend. She is mimicking him. This dosen't sound like something someone would say to their mom.<br />
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I have the same problem with my son....... mimicking his wife...it is awful...it is an illness that can be treated...but getting them into treatment is difficult...your daughter has very low self esteem....just would fight for you but she cannot...not at this time anyhow...if that makes sense to you.<br />
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If u need someone to talk to u can write me.....Been There...it sucks...

OMG what selfish ungrateful little brats!! I am 24 and do not get along with my mother at all but I always make a point of visiting on holidays and i always buy her mothers day, birthday, christmas gifts etc. I can't believe your children are grown and act like that!

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