Life Is So Disappointing

my mother committed sucided when I was 13 months old then my father 'd married 5 times... I was brought up by my grandma more or less ( she died when i was 13) My older bother molested me since i was  the age of 9 - 11.  All these to me didn't really brother me because I believed in " I make my day" when I grow up.  My dream was having a small appt, a dog with a stable job ( I didn't think I was asking too much)

Everything  was changed when I met him (my ex husband) a very decent guy ( I still think so today), we were married and    have 2 girls , living at a very comfortable life.  One day I found out he was cheating  on me and I was 30 at the time and he wanted a divorce after I found it out, and I accepted it.  As soon as I finished with my ex, his colleague who was married at that time came  after  me and confessed his love to me.  I refused at the beginning because i had no will to destroy other family just my ex's girl friend did.  After 6 months refusing him, I finally accepted to be with him, the condition was he had to get divorce with his wife.  He did what I asked, but i didn't want to move in with him because of my girls.  In fact I should say I didn't love him enough to take the risk, but I just wanted to be loved.  Our relation lasted for 5 years, during those years, he asked me to marry him many times and i refused it.  Until the 5th year, I felt if i didn't accept it then it should be the  end of our story.  My girls accepted me to marry him because they wanted me to be happy, once I decided to marry him and call him, he told me he had to talk to his children!  How could the  moment I accepted his proposal and he told me that, then I found out he had someone else.  To me, it was a big shock!  He left his wife for me, he tried so hard to be with me and he betrayed me in the end. 


I was someone who was very strong in some ways but I finally broke down at the age of 40.  My ex took my 2 girls away from me because I wasn't stable in my mind at that time, and the guy who told me how much he loved me , betrayed me.  I  lost everything just because of that guy and I was stupid enough to belived he was coming back and wasted a year for him.  what an idiot i was!

Now I am with a guy who is a type of playboy, I know I will be get hurt one of these days.  I 'm keep telling myself that since I know he is a playboy what i can expect from him!  I was with a very decent guy ( my ex) he left me for other woman, then I was with a guy who loved me crazily and he also cheated on me. What the difference it makes!

I don't want to be dumped again, but I think it is my fate.  I want to stop this relationship but I am so lonely, I had been lonely for the last 2 years.  My girls come back from time to time but they don't seem willing to move back to me for studying reason. 

I feel like start from the zero after 40 years ( I am 42 now)  i was always alone when I was a child, my father was hardly around.  I spent most of my time sitting in front of the window.  Now I am no longer sitting in front of the window but the computer because I am alone most of the time

I honestly don't see the point to live, it seems the happiness is no longer in my dictionary.  I am fed up with living for no purpose, I wishes I could died during asleep!



nakamachi nakamachi
2 Responses Mar 4, 2009

i am sorry. u need a hug.m/

I'm so sorry for what you've been through and for your sense of loneliness. I can tell you that there are circumstances in my life now that make it seem like way too much is out of my control, and it's been a very long, painful road for me getting to this point too. I feel isolated and helpless about certain things, and it's hard to feel this way. At times I feel the same way you do about wishing my life would end. Yet I do have faith in God. I know the the Bible says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I don't know if you believe in God or not, but if it's ok with you I would like to pray for His blessing and understanding in your life. I know that things feel and seem very hard for both of us, we both have painful things in our past, but maybe we can both agree to hold on in faith and allow Him space and time to unfold our lives in His will. You are a precious person.