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Not Sure If You're A Male Hipster? Take This Test!

 Most male hipsters don't understand they are hipsters. But don't worry—if you're not sure, I have developed a test to help you find out!

"Who are you to tell me if I'm a hipster?" you might be asking just about now.

I am a dude who, like you and everyone else, hates hipsters. Also, I have a B.A., so there.

"Alright, well, what led you to create this test?"

The lack of male hipster self-awareness is one of America's leading social problems, up there with meth, homelessness and Lindsay Lohan. It leads to many eek-inducing moments in which irony of what they say and do clashes with who they actually are, threatening to destroy all sense of order and justice.

(Here, I use "irony" in the true sense of the word, not in the hipster sense, in which "irony" ends up being slapped on anything hipsters feel like applying it to).

This simple test will help you better understand yourself. It can also save your life, for if you check off 5 of these 9 criteria, you probably shouldn't hang out with me, as I may throttle you to within an inch of your life. Each criterion has several examples—go ahead and check off the criterion if you fit any one of them, because why take chances with your well-being?

[  ] Do you dress differently, just like the rest of your friends?
You want to look different—so you don heavy, dark-rimmed reading glasses (which you probably don't need), then slip into some really unattractive skinny jeans that highlight your chicken legs.

Now figure out what goes better with your "Ironic Hipster T-shirt" t-shirt: The 80s black-and-white check Converse slip-ons with rainbow-striped socks? Or the brown-and-white leather boat shoes, sans socks?

Choose between a fedora, beret or newsboy cap to top off your "different" look, spend an hour selecting one of the dozen wallet chains you own, then rush off to a dive bar, order a PBR and blend in with your crowd.

 [  ] Do you put effort into dressing effortlessly?
As you costume up, you rough up some of your newly acquired vintage (or "vintage") items to make it appear that you didn't spend $300 on your jean vest covered in various PBR, Hamm's and Ranier patches. 

You spend money on non-essential items that keep up your shabby appearance, but you should never appear to actually spend money, which implies effort, which implies (shudder) "care."

Which leads us to...

[  ] Do you not give a damn about anything?
You never get excited. You're never positive. You never embrace an idea as "good."

You never feel compelled to provide helpful feedback. If you can't get out of expressing something encouraging, just say "That's cool..." and let the words trail off as you look away from the person who made a suggestion or posited an idea.

If you care about anything beyond yourself, there's a good chance you're probably not a hipster. However, if you're a hipster, you won't think that you don't don't care about anything beyond yourself, so ignore this paragraph.

[  ] [  ] Do you own a fixie? Or look like you own one?
Where there is a fix-geared bicycle, there is a hipster. If you own a fixie, you get two checks for this test. Note: You don't actually need to ride it too much—owning one is good enough.

However, some hipsters are satisfied simply looking like they own a fixie, easily achieved by rolling up your right pant leg to your knee (providing a great opportunity to show off your rainbow-striped or argyle sock) and wearing some raggedy t-shirt with some obscure high-school mascot print.

Be sure to top off the look with an oversized messenger bag made by either Chrome or Timbuk2. If you have the look down, but no actual fixie, you get one check.

[  ] Do you talk about bands, artists, movies, books, etc. that the rest of us have never heard of?
You let us know your thoughts on David Lynch' Eraserhead. Go on and on about how Mexican soap operas—sorry, "telenovelas"—are actually great works of art. Explain why Scott Pilgrim is the greatest comic of all time (although it's the only comic you've read in a decade).

Or tell us about why the indie band that we may have heard of has actually sold out, and then go on about why we should be listening to this other indie band that only you and another guy (you know, the one who made you feel silly for not knowing about it) know about.

And why are you such an authority on the music scene? Well...

[  ] Did you used to be in a crappy—er, "indie"—band?
Rule No. 1: If you're actually in a band, do not talk about it. The longer you're out of the band, the better.

But one day, you find yourself taking a sip of your PBR, then casually mentioning to your companion (whom you normally loathe because he or she is such a hipster) that you were once in a band.  

You shrug and admit that the group "had talent" and "could have gone places" but there was this "crazy ***** frontchick" who made it impossible for you to "collaborate" with her.

You admit that the band is doing a lot better since you left—just be sure to mention they started going mainstream, and that's when you had to split.

Also, you often mention The Beatles are totally overrated.

[  ] Are you an underperforming designer?
In the course of "admitting" you were in a band, you mention that you are a creative person, such as a "user-interface designer" (but you call it "UX designer" so that the hipster you're talking to can nod vaguely as if he or she understands what that means).

You mention that you're working in a corporate setting earning six figures, but you just do it to "pay the bills." You do not appear to care how much money you make.

You mention that startups are, in general, expensive endeavors. You do not mention that your "work" has cost your company millions of dollars over the course of two years.

You mention that most people don't appreciate "great design." You do not mention that your work has singlehandedly turned away more potential customers than anything else on the site.

Design aesthetics mean everything to you. Screw the rest of world.

[  ] Do you always think what others think is full of fail?
You find yourself saying "no" all the time.

Or "Yeah, but..."

Or "I can think of 10 reasons why that is not a good idea." 

In your group of friends, you find yourself in agreement with the clique that nixes good ideas? Or anything resembling an idea? Even though these people are what you call "hipsters."

When you attend the opening of a friend's art exhibition at some cafe starving for foot traffic, you give feedback that indicates he or she "has potential," then list off six different artists that clearly influenced them, then say five of those artists are "mediocre."

Always remember: It's easier to crush other's ideas rather than work to make something happen.

[  ] Do you hate other hipsters?
You hate:

How hipsters overrun your favorite neighborhood dive bar, destroying the "authentic feel" of the place.

How hipsters are always posing as individuals but running around together like a zombie hoard.

How hipsters bite your style. After all, you did the handlebar mustachio before all of them, just like you drank PBR before they even knew what PBR was.

How hipsters like Kings of Leon, which used to be a sweet indie band but is now totally trying to some sort of Bob Segar/Bruce Springsteen wannabes. And how, when you call them out about liking Kings of Leon, they shrug and say they like them "ironically"? (Which you kinda get, because you do too, but still...)

Oh, how you abhor, detest, can't bear, are sickened and are repulsed by hipsters. If this describes how you perceive many of the people of your social circle, give yourself a check.

dudedrama dudedrama 36-40, M 35 Responses Nov 10, 2009

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i like indie films and wear skinny jeans because I am too short to fit other jeans properly. I'm going with I"m not a hipster, but I give off the vibe of one. So I'm a hipster that doesn't try to be one but somehow along the path of life ended up being one?

I fit into some, but not all of these. In fact, it looks like almost everyone here does. Weird - it's almost as if most people can't simply be written off as members of a homogeneous peer group ba<x>sed on consumption patterns alone.

I am a strange clash of every social genre there is.<br />
<br />
I wear elephant boots<br />
I've never combed my hair <br />
I listen to classic rock<br />
I listen to indie<br />
I smoke and dip<br />
I have at least 5 friends in every group<br />
I play every instrument I can get ahold of<br />
I'm know as the hippie<br />
And most importantly I wouldn't dare be seen in a hollister shirt<br />
<br />
I think hipster is an ever changing boundless term that isn't defined by a certain set of rules<br />
<br />
Deuces

Haha. Hilarious. There goes most of my graduating class.

Oh Jack. Poor Jack Kerouac. All hipsters try or seemingly try to be, is just a shallow shadow of the greatness that was kerouac in his On The Road. Beatniks, non-conformists...just a way of Dada re-emerging its head. The true hipster is not a hipster at all. Where here is life, there have always been those creative types - non-conformists who set about a path that mainstream soon flogs after, hands flailing. True hipsterdom..a good example would be early Andy Warhol. Cool thing about him is that he actually left 300 million to create a museum and art programs. Are we what we leave behind?

Oh I'm sorry....so, having a B.A makes you the authority on this subject....now i understand...NOT!!!!! get a life-and one that doesn't come from a cookie cutter, you might be more happy and chill if you did!!!!

Chill Princess. Sheesh - for a woman your age arent you even slightly embarrassed to be losing your s*** over an early 20s phenomenon. Its great that youre so passionate about your beliefs, but at some point youre going to have to realise that people say what they like, and theyre entitled to. You dont need to read it, and you certainly dont need to react to it. And if you must, you either can throw your teen-angst infected temper tantrum, or you can do the grown up thing and ignore it. OR you can roll your eyes and be like 'whatever man'. Or whatever nonchalant phrase you Indie kids are using these days...

I find it extremely hilarious that ur so full of yourself that you ASSUME that everyone else dislikes Hipsters too-like you.....who made you God all of a sudden?-Mister know-it-all????<br />
<br />
One of the coolest, chillest, hottest guys i know(and someone who would definitely Not post something on here like you just did)-considers himself a hipster...and not all of them dress alike(NEWS FLASH!!!!)---<br />
<br />
Because they choose to dress different, not like you...makes You Better somehow??? I beg to differ my friend!!!! I respect people who dress, talk, be whoever the f--- they want to be w/out giving a crap what dousche bags like you think of them..........You must not have the balls to be who you want to be, because we are all our own person/different.....So you resent someone else cause they have the gumption to live and dress the way they choose????/Different from you? <br />
Are you like some bogus authority on fashion -like a Mr. Calvin Klein or like the snobby *** guy who designs all that overpriced Abercrombie ****? Ha...people like u make me laugh.

I almost only got 1 over all, but then you brought up the over rated Beatles band.

I don't drink or use drugs can give two squats about the "Kings Of Leon" or Lindsay I prefer Alice In Chains Stone Temple Pilots and Foo Foghters and I will NOT cut my hair 1 inch to 3 centimeters long to "fit in", Can't deal with the "lumps" on the girl's hair either. Is that like an upside down cigarette in a pack thing or something or wearing a black shirt with white pants for a guy??? Nice article.

Whoa 5/8 I passed your little test. What do I win? A shallow, empty & meaningless life. <br />
I'll take it... living a meaning full live is a socially created ideal designed to fool you into cratering to society whims.

the hipsters call me "grandpa" and accuse me of being a former hipster<br />
<br />
man, if they only knew

This describes my son to a tee. He is a self-described Hipster, and proud of it. His Father, not so much.

So it's bad to like people no one has heard of, or dress different? What is this, 1955 in the middle of a HUAC committee meeting? Since when is it bad to be different? Any one dresses different is bad, and obnoxious? Yes please let's go back to conformity!

A Hipster by any other name.....BTW - You listen to the Derek Trucks Band?<br />
<br />
http://www.derektrucks.com/

I already know I fill some of the requirements for the female hipster. For example, I live in New York City and hang out in the bars/cafes tourists never find. (Tourists are SOOOO annoying!!! They ruin the "authentic feel" of any great place. hahahah ;).....) I occasionally wear plaid shirts and skinny jeans (not so much anymore, the plaid is good but the jeans are just too much)<br />
<br />
I wear dark-rimmed glasses, because they make me look better than my old gold-rimmed.....<br />
I don't listen to indie rock. Just can't stand the stuff. So I listen to trance and house music, which makes me a wannabe clubber. (youtube "The Islands #1 - TheRealParis" if you want to see my guido counterparts lol!!!)<br />
<br />
I'm 23, have a degree in English, love literature and always bring up novels people have never read or heard of. Why? Because it's my passion, I want to teach English, and I really do read the good stuff. Most popular fiction (Twilight included) is just not that good. <br />
<br />
Been in an indie band? No, but I've been in a jazz band. Do I think people are full of fail? Absolutely. But I also think they're full of shenanigans. Cheers.

dudedrama,<br />
<br />
Even though you hate hipsters, you my friend are a bonafide hipster.<br />
<br />
Only a hipster would put so much thought whether or not they are, who is, or who qualifies as a hipster. Only a hipster would be so knowlegeble about all this hipster stuff. Seriously does the average redneck even care whether Kings of Leon are sounding like Bob Seger?<br />
<br />
Is there such a thing as a redneck-hipster cos I think I know some.

I wear heavy black plastic glasses (and I do need corrective eyewear, but there's no reason I couldn't go with a more subtle style), but other than that, I appear to be safe. I like to think the fr<x>ames are more "geek chic" than "hipster".<br />
<br />
Nothing else in this list describes me, which is a relief, because I've caught glimpses of myself in the mirror, noticed the glasses, and though, "Crap, I'm not a hipster, am I?"<br />
<br />
I am now satisfied that I'm not.

this was like an article from encyclopediadramatica.com lmao

Erm... (I know I'm stupid and ignorant. Please bear with me)<br />
3 things:<br />
1) What is a hipster?<br />
2) What is PBR?<br />
3) Far as I know, bellbottoms are NOT in, here in South Africa...

Ah, yes, self-reflection is definitely woven throughout the article (which explains why I can't write one for the ladies), but I have to say that, based on my own criteria, I am not a hipster :)

Print, based on your extensive knowledge of the necessities of hipsterdom, I can't help but wonder if you are, in fact, a closet hipster.

Not sure I can do a female version, actually -- I really don't get annoyed by the ladies, just the dudes. <br />
<br />
Is there anyone out there who can write up a female test?

Ok, that's alot to take in. Not one........hehe.

You are sounding a little too excited, Potachos.<br />
That's a good sign.

fun stuff! Where's the female version of this?

Love this story and I can relate to a few things youve written-good job enjoyed this immensely!

; P... I live in New Orleans and ya'll crack me up!!

:)

I think it means you are not much of a hipster, Duchess.<br />
A Duchesster would never drink PBR out of a can.

Since I am female guess I can't comment, lol!