Not Sure If You're A Male Hipster? Take This Test!
Most male hipsters don't understand they are hipsters. But don't worry—if you're not sure, I have developed a test to help you find out!
"Who are you to tell me if I'm a hipster?" you might be asking just about now.
I am a dude who, like you and everyone else, hates hipsters. Also, I have a B.A., so there.
"Alright, well, what led you to create this test?"
The lack of male hipster self-awareness is one of America's leading social problems, up there with meth, homelessness and Lindsay Lohan. It leads to many eek-inducing moments in which irony of what they say and do clashes with who they actually are, threatening to destroy all sense of order and justice.
(Here, I use "irony" in the true sense of the word, not in the hipster sense, in which "irony" ends up being slapped on anything hipsters feel like applying it to).
This simple test will help you better understand yourself. It can also save your life, for if you check off 5 of these 9 criteria, you probably shouldn't hang out with me, as I may throttle you to within an inch of your life. Each criterion has several examples—go ahead and check off the criterion if you fit any one of them, because why take chances with your well-being?
[ ] Do you dress differently, just like the rest of your friends?
You want to look different—so you don heavy, dark-rimmed reading glasses (which you probably don't need), then slip into some really unattractive skinny jeans that highlight your chicken legs.
Now figure out what goes better with your "Ironic Hipster T-shirt" t-shirt: The 80s black-and-white check Converse slip-ons with rainbow-striped socks? Or the brown-and-white leather boat shoes, sans socks?
Choose between a fedora, beret or newsboy cap to top off your "different" look, spend an hour selecting one of the dozen wallet chains you own, then rush off to a dive bar, order a PBR and blend in with your crowd.
[ ] Do you put effort into dressing effortlessly?
As you costume up, you rough up some of your newly acquired vintage (or "vintage") items to make it appear that you didn't spend $300 on your jean vest covered in various PBR, Hamm's and Ranier patches.
You spend money on non-essential items that keep up your shabby appearance, but you should never appear to actually spend money, which implies effort, which implies (shudder) "care."
Which leads us to...
[ ] Do you not give a damn about anything?
You never get excited. You're never positive. You never embrace an idea as "good."
You never feel compelled to provide helpful feedback. If you can't get out of expressing something encouraging, just say "That's cool..." and let the words trail off as you look away from the person who made a suggestion or posited an idea.
If you care about anything beyond yourself, there's a good chance you're probably not a hipster. However, if you're a hipster, you won't think that you don't don't care about anything beyond yourself, so ignore this paragraph.
[ ] [ ] Do you own a fixie? Or look like you own one?
Where there is a fix-geared bicycle, there is a hipster. If you own a fixie, you get two checks for this test. Note: You don't actually need to ride it too much—owning one is good enough.
However, some hipsters are satisfied simply looking like they own a fixie, easily achieved by rolling up your right pant leg to your knee (providing a great opportunity to show off your rainbow-striped or argyle sock) and wearing some raggedy t-shirt with some obscure high-school mascot print.
Be sure to top off the look with an oversized messenger bag made by either Chrome or Timbuk2. If you have the look down, but no actual fixie, you get one check.
[ ] Do you talk about bands, artists, movies, books, etc. that the rest of us have never heard of?
You let us know your thoughts on David Lynch' Eraserhead. Go on and on about how Mexican soap operas—sorry, "telenovelas"—are actually great works of art. Explain why Scott Pilgrim is the greatest comic of all time (although it's the only comic you've read in a decade).
Or tell us about why the indie band that we may have heard of has actually sold out, and then go on about why we should be listening to this other indie band that only you and another guy (you know, the one who made you feel silly for not knowing about it) know about.
And why are you such an authority on the music scene? Well...
[ ] Did you used to be in a crappy—er, "indie"—band?
Rule No. 1: If you're actually in a band, do not talk about it. The longer you're out of the band, the better.
But one day, you find yourself taking a sip of your PBR, then casually mentioning to your companion (whom you normally loathe because he or she is such a hipster) that you were once in a band.
You shrug and admit that the group "had talent" and "could have gone places" but there was this "crazy ***** frontchick" who made it impossible for you to "collaborate" with her.
You admit that the band is doing a lot better since you left—just be sure to mention they started going mainstream, and that's when you had to split.
Also, you often mention The Beatles are totally overrated.
[ ] Are you an underperforming designer?
In the course of "admitting" you were in a band, you mention that you are a creative person, such as a "user-interface designer" (but you call it "UX designer" so that the hipster you're talking to can nod vaguely as if he or she understands what that means).
You mention that you're working in a corporate setting earning six figures, but you just do it to "pay the bills." You do not appear to care how much money you make.
You mention that startups are, in general, expensive endeavors. You do not mention that your "work" has cost your company millions of dollars over the course of two years.
You mention that most people don't appreciate "great design." You do not mention that your work has singlehandedly turned away more potential customers than anything else on the site.
Design aesthetics mean everything to you. Screw the rest of world.
[ ] Do you always think what others think is full of fail?
You find yourself saying "no" all the time.
Or "Yeah, but..."
Or "I can think of 10 reasons why that is not a good idea."
In your group of friends, you find yourself in agreement with the clique that nixes good ideas? Or anything resembling an idea? Even though these people are what you call "hipsters."
When you attend the opening of a friend's art exhibition at some cafe starving for foot traffic, you give feedback that indicates he or she "has potential," then list off six different artists that clearly influenced them, then say five of those artists are "mediocre."
Always remember: It's easier to crush other's ideas rather than work to make something happen.
[ ] Do you hate other hipsters?
How hipsters overrun your favorite neighborhood dive bar, destroying the "authentic feel" of the place.
How hipsters are always posing as individuals but running around together like a zombie hoard.
How hipsters bite your style. After all, you did the handlebar mustachio before all of them, just like you drank PBR before they even knew what PBR was.
How hipsters like Kings of Leon, which used to be a sweet indie band but is now totally trying to some sort of Bob Segar/Bruce Springsteen wannabes. And how, when you call them out about liking Kings of Leon, they shrug and say they like them "ironically"? (Which you kinda get, because you do too, but still...)
Oh, how you abhor, detest, can't bear, are sickened and are repulsed by hipsters. If this describes how you perceive many of the people of your social circle, give yourself a check.