Emotional Androgyny

As a boy, I was always "soft." Sensitive, easy to tears, caring, thoughtful; all sorts of things that boys aren't supposed to be. I learned to hide it because that is what you are expected to do. I played sports, but was horrible at most of them, and for the most part really didn't care. (Not that the taunting for being uncoordinated didn't leave a mark, because to this day I avoid team sports.) I had an experience where on of my friend's father tried to talk me into having a sexual experience with him (prior to my moving to a new state) and I found that to be very confusing, but fortunately nothing occurred from it. As I grew into my adult form, I stayed hetero, but have always felt something was amiss. My marriage has been a difficult one and I have blocked off my emotions for a very long time. When the dam finally broke, a lot of repressed emotion came spilling out. One of them came out as, I'm gay, just not attracted to men." Obviously a challenge for my wife to cope with. Since then I have discovered that androgyny can be an emotional state and occur regardless of sexual preference (hetero/bi/homo). Has helped to understand things a little more clearly. I don't have a lot of male friends, tend to connect with women better. This time when my male friend told me I think like a chick, I just smiled and said that I have heard that before. It's not something that I can share with many people. Told my mother about it and she said that I am most like her of the kids (2 sisters- go figure) and that she has always attracted friends of both sexes to be close to. I'm glad I spoke to her. Had decided not to bring it up, but then the conversation just ended up there anyway. (She wan't shocked, we have spoken about my confused sexual identity and the predator in the past.) I think this was the first time I articulated it in a way that she identified with it though. Working through the rest of it. Getting divorced...will have to find a woman with a very open emotional palette to allow my self expression to make me feel more whole. I won't settle for less on that score. Not sure how hard that is going to be. What date do bring up being emotionally androgynous on? Too soon and you freak her out...too late and its deception and wasted time. Can't say that I'm looking forward to that piece, but I don't see that I have much choice. To repeat what I have already gone through would be a disaster for me.
madstalker madstalker
41-45, M
2 Responses Dec 5, 2011

I'm also an emotionally androgynous, heterosexual man, who's still coming to terms with what that means for my life. You described yourself as a gay man who's not attracted to men. I've described myself as a lesbian trapped in a man's body. Not sure if there's much of a difference. My experience growing up has been very different. Thankfully, there was no predator in my past. Due to a combination of genes and parental steering, I grew up to be pretty proficient at sports (although I much prefer music) and have been very adept at assuming the "traditional masculine persona" for purposes of having male friendships and pursuing sex with women. But I feel terribly isolated. Most of my friends are men and are married, and when I go to their house parties, I usually stay inside and talk with the wives while the other guys go on the back porch and drink beers together. If you figure out a way to be true to yourself and find social acceptance, I beg you to share the secret.

I have a woman in my life now who is accepting of me, though I doubt she really understands at this point, but it's a start. Very difficult to be honest about these things for sure. It's good that I can extend her enough trust to try. Let me know if you want to correspond.

I'm a woman and I can totally identify with what you are saying. I feel emotionally male and I thought I was gay but after many failed attempts at being a lesbian(they always told me they think I'm straight).LOL. I've had many male gay friends develop crushes on me which I didn't act on. I always secretly wanted to have a relationship with a hetero man like with the typical roles reversed. Regular hetero men say im intimidating. Heres the kicker: I m told Im pretty and feminine so I think its hard to find the kind of man that would satisfy me emotionally and sexually. I feel your pain

I would be interested to connect with you. This is a fairly uncommon self-realization and some discussion may be mutually beneficial. I live in the South-east. Best wishes. Matt

I'm the exact same way. I act in a "manly" way, but I love dressing up and being feminine. I don't have an issue with women generally, but I usually fall into the "just one of the guys" with guys my age, but women see me as sort of an older brother (I know, it's weird). I'm not trans, but I still have manly tendencies that others find either strangely comforting or odd.