Soul Gaze

So I've always known I was different. I mean, the fact that I am blind gave me a clue, and I hid behind that for most of twenty-two years. People would ask me why I didn't date, and I always answered that it was hard for me to find partners who could get passed the blind thing. Just for the record, that is true.

I often went around making blind jokes because it made others feel comfortable around me, and that made me feel like I was fitting in. I pulled this off so well that many of my friends often forget that I am blind.

However, this did not change the fact that I didn't fit in with the stereotype of typical college guy who wants to get a quick lay and then move on. This caused problems because women are sexual, too, and they just can't look passed my **** and balls. If you don't take the opportunity to have sex with them, then you must be gay. I even went through a period where I was convinced that I was gay, but I still found myself aroused by women, so I just hung onto the blind stigma.

I also found myself able to emotionally relate to women. As a result, I have many cross sex friendships, and if you look at my Twitter page, you'll see that most of the people I follow are women. The problem that whenever one of my girlfriends is going through an emotional crisis, I want to relate to them, be on their level, cry with them. But they don't understand that. They couldn't see passed my **** and balls and thought that I was trying to get in their pants. As someone that views emotional relation as a key bonding method, I found this very frustrating.

Then I took gender communications class, and ran across the term androgynous. I was so excited, and I wanted to tell everyone, and so I did, and they freaked out. To be fair, the term androgynous sounds like some sort of disease, most likely an STD. This is rediculous, since I am psychologically androgynous, and I toyed with the idea of just going around saying "Hey guys! I have mental herpes, please help!"

So I decided that approaching people and saying that I just don't feel like I fit in would work. But people just tried to sympathize with my whole blind thing, and I wanted to go all Incredible Hulk on them. So I was stuck with this perspective where I saw all kinds of things. I kind of felt like Dr. Manhattan from "The Watchman", or something. Everyone thought I was really smart, but noone really understood.

And so I had anger management issues, and I just started snapping at people for no reason. One of these was a professor that I respect very much, and I felt so bad, I went to her office to oppologize. She asked why I seemed so stressed out, and something happened. I saw into myself, all of myself. And I wondered just how in the hell I would ever fit into society, let alone into a body that's about a hundred and seventy-two pounds and five foot seven. I broke down in her office.

So I went back to my dorm and basically spent three days in isolation and on this downward spiral. I wasn't actually suicidal, but various forms of self mutilation came to mind as a form of punishment for daring to exist. All my friends were so busy, and I didn't want to say that I was really hating myself because I didn't want to burden them, so it turned into these really weird conversations, most of which I covered up by saying "I had a dream that you died and needed to make sure you were okay." In truth, if those same friends hadn't decided to go out to dinner the third day, I don't know what would have happened. They're my Earth angels, and don't even know it.

So then I decided that I should just embrace it, and I went to see "The Vagina Monologues". I was so scared that they would tell me I didn't belong there when I walked into the theater. If that had happened, I probably would have broken down again, but it didn't. The interesting thing is, friends are more accepting of the fact that you like things the "Vagina Monologues" and "Britney Spears" than if you walk up to them and say that you are psychologically androgynous.

changeling0711 changeling0711
2 Responses Feb 19, 2010

Yes I relate to people who are in it for the sex, I'm just not one of them.

I'm glad that to know that there is someone who can relate to some of the stuff that I'm going through. I too can relate emotionally to the opposite sex. I also can relate to the people just wanting sex and nothing more.