My Life Is So Miserble

I dont want to die, its just my life is just so unfair atm. i have just soo many things that i really want to do and some things are just soo confusing for me.
1. i am kinda a christian, i was at first but then i gave up because it just got to no where! i do want to be a christian again but its so hard because there are things that i cant do! well christian people say i cant do. like say crap or watch the hills or kardashians and stuff. i dont swear i dont like alcohol i have never had a bf because i am waiting for the one. yes i know i sound really boring but honestly i am not. i love spending time with friends and be crazy! being a christian is hard because everybody expects to be perfect.
2. i am conciencse of myself, because i have put on a lot of weight and i also hate going to church because everybody always stares at me and gives me dirty looks.
3. i have money problems i dont have a a normal job. i just recently started cleaning at a primary school. i only work shifts which is like working one day a week for 2 hours :S i need to pay for singing lesson want to buy some good trainers for jogging want to buy some clothes get my hair done! lim 17 this is like waht every girls wants at my age or more! i have been out of money for a few months now and i havent been able to pay things for myself for a really long time!
4. my parents are THE reason why i am miserble. my dad earns like 3 thousand pounds a week and dont give us a penny. he always said he'd give us everything we need and yet he lied! last time when i ask him about the money i asked where will it go when you dont buy us anything he said to his pesion... i got so angry. it is really like he cares more about his money than me and my sisters! last time when i broken my arm my mum came to me and showed me how much he had to pay for the docter! i felt like they really care so much about the money and not us!.
5. i really dont feel like my dad loves me! i really dont. i know people say like "its your dad he loves you" ok yeh i know he does but he does never show it. he never talks to me. he only asks if i did my homework (sometimes i fdont have hm!) and if i havent im not aloud a thing. he always shouts always looks for something to get mad at for example when my phone is out of batery or when just random stuff is on the floor he makes me want to lie and i do because i dont want to him to hurt me physicly or emotiony my parents get so over the top. i usdes to go to foster care because i coudnt handle the pain that they kept give me brusers. now i live with them again but i want to go back because i hate this! my home is a prison. they wont let me go or stay anywhere.
6. friends. i have good church friends but they are from church they have to be good and nice! i want real friends. when i tell them about my issues they say they pray about it and nothing changes! they dont tell me anything about them. they say im their best friend but is doesnt seem so to me. they always hang with each other ( i am refereing to 3 people) i am always left out and if i want to join i feel like they treat me as their normal friend. that dont tell me sectets or about their issues!.

aaah i really dont know what to do please help!

thank you so much!
laladol laladol
18-21, F
Oct 19, 2010