Bitterness Just Grew

I am, scratch that, I was a happy person. Extremely positive, foolishly optimistic, happy, happy, happy. Cherished and enjoyed my life! Anger was never an "issue". I use to get upset but never snap or get nasty behavior. Until.....

Until I got married, in a nutshell had a tough marriage where spouse and I are not compatible, I had a lost pregnancy, my marriage became sexless then loveless. I had a baby sometime before that phase. I got no help, partnership in raising him. Over 6 years of rough life I think I have become bitter. Quite bitter from inside and I am unable to find true happiness anywhere. Superficial happiness at work, friends surface but soon dissipates when they are gone. From last few yrs I have become snappy and perpetually angry. I loose my temper at the drop of a hat. My husband left the freezer door opened, my baby dropped water, my dog stole a cookie from the plate anything leads to me snap. I huff and puff react quickly sometimes even over react. I am unable to control it and it gives me immense guilt afterwards.
I read and thought some of the passive aggressive behavior match my behavior. I try to tone it down but don't believe I am PA.
I am basically very frustrated with life, so unhappy, unloved, unwanted and feel not desired. Needless to say the self esteem maybe an issue. At many occasions am very self critical. Painfully seeking compliments even from a janitor !
As my bitterness grew my anger threshold grew. Almost like a wounded lioness who gets provoked even at the slightest poke of the stick or a pebble thrown at her.
I feel my anger is curable, it just needs love. A hug, a genuine hug from someone who will say all will be fine, I am and will be there for you.
I hope I am not getting crazy!
tornFlower tornFlower
26-30, F
1 Response Jan 17, 2013

Try an antidepressant.