God, You Failed Me!!!! I Hate You!God failed me! A lot, ever since I was born out of wedlock. I have been faced with physical and mental abuse to the point that my mother nearly killed me with scissors in her hand. On my 15th birthday, my mother did a party on me by throwing punches to the point that I have bruises around my face. Still the most horrible were her words. I also been bullied from First Grade to High School, and I couldn't believe I didn't kill myself. Oh yeah, I did try to kill myself in 2003. To make matters worst I try to build my business and it failed. I try to go to college and I drop out. Every time that I plan something, something happens and I have to take measures, by canceling the whole thing before it gets worst. And I'm unable to have kids. I work but they reduced my hours to the point that I have to work only 8 hours a week instead of my usual 40. I been through churches to find out if god really listens to me, I talked to him like he was a friend, telling him what to do in order to help me. But I know... He does absolutely nothing. I told him he should apologize to me for all the pain and heartaches I have been through the years. Because everything that I do goes wrong, even though is for the good intentions.
I have so many hate towards god, that if he will show up I would slap him, not ask him. I'm tired of being miss independent, I'm tired of having a lot of clutter in my life, and I'm tired of being broke even if I work overtime. I want to live like anybody else, happy with prosperity and all that **** that involved with. A car, a house, a great high paid job. I did everything, work hard and all I received were crumbs. Always. I hate you god! I don't want nothing to do with you. You sunk my life. I cried for help and sunk. Thanks for nothing!!!
It feels like I have been cursed all my ******* life. Nahh, wait I have been cursed all my life thanks to you, lord!
I don't have a business anymore. It seems like I'm mourning the loss of a firstborn, even though I never had a kid. I cried, and I couldn't stop crying. I decided to take drastic measures. My depression went ballistic during those days, where all I wanted was being in the bed crying. I thought I was going to do something good with my life and prosper and be merry. But it didn't happen. Instead, I feel like a nobody, because I'm not famous even though I'm poor and broke as it is. I was wasting money rather than earning on my business, and still I didn't get a customer. I always put my trust in the "lord" for my business to grow, but it turned out He didn't want me to prosper anyway. He wants me poor, miserable and begging for mercy. What mercy? To be poor? To be miserable? To be unhappy? I don't get why the love of god for me is to make me suffer. I'm still angry and disappointed.
My husband told me, we have to reinvent on the business. Reinvent? I just wish god can reinvent himself so he can know how many people are pleading for help and rescue them before they sink in the cold waters. That's how I feel everyday. But for me it's too late now to be saved since he let me to die in the cold waters.
Update #2 March 18
I started picking up the damn pieces since then. I'm reorganizing my business and it felt like I was resuscitating someone from a long coma. I bought part of the equipment I needed using my tax return except equipment for the studio. I got into imagekind and it gave me a little bit of hope until now I got more than 2000 views, 1 comment and I got accepted to sell my pictures and postcards in a coffeehouse. The person in charge told me that I'm very gifted and talented. Until now, I have been working as usual at my regular job and trying to re-build my business. I have a lot of plans and projects but I worry about the money issue because I'm not high class, and I'm hoping my business will pick up to get a little bit better. I read comments below and I appreciated your thoughts into this issue. I'm doing my stuff in little steps.
Onigiri 36-40, F 26 Responses 1 Nov 29, 2010