My Husband Can Be So Mean

well, i got an attitude once again from my wonderful husband. i told him to not give me an attitude because i had done nothing wrong. my daughter woke up, screaming and crying and wouldnt drink her bottle. i didn't know what was wrong with her, and it frustrated me. she's my daughter, i should know whats wrong. he told me he was going to leave the room if i brought her in the living room. i said i dont know what i'm doing yet, i wish i knew what was wrong with her. oh, she's just throwing another tantrum he says. how does he know? he doesnt! he does nothing for her. i do. i'm the one always with her, not him. he sleeps all day and, stays up all night. i tried to tell him that he hurt my feelings and, he laughs! some nerve. i mean, come on. isn't your husband supposed to care if he hurts your feelings? or, am i crazy? did i overreact like he says? when he does something wrong all he does is leave the room and, go to sleep. aren't couples supposed to communicate and, try to solve their problems? not shut each other out?

GurLfromVA GurLfromVA
26-30, F
4 Responses Feb 23, 2009

I agree with all of the above. I was a stressed out, anxiety-ridden new mom, especially with my first. The 2nd day we were home (I was trying to breast feed), she seemed to want to eat all night - at about 3am, my mom came in the nursery to see if she could help - and I was crying - she said, "what's wrong?" and I sobbed, "I'm mad at her - I am a terrible mom!" I didn't and couldn't figure out what was wrong with her - and my husband was good about that - he got up with me and we finally called the pediatrician at about 6:30am and he suggested giving her 2 oz. of formula to supplement - she drank it and fell asleep instantly - went to the doctor and she had lost too much weight so supplementing began (and once I started pumping - I pumped all of 2 tbsps in 2 pumpings - no wonder she was crying - I was starving her!). I finally had to stop trying and be okay with giving her formula (do you know that she healthier than my nephew who was breastfed for 2 years?!). As a mom, I didn't really relax until she could start telling or showing me what was wrong when she was upset or didn't feel good - I was relieved when they got to the stage that they could roll over and sit up on their own and then communicate - it is scary and they don't pop-out with instruction manuals (although, I think they should!). So GIVE YOURSELF a BREAK and DON'T give your husband a break - and the deeper voice thing - so right - my dad is magical with babies (and my daughters loved laying on my husband and sleeping while he relaxed and watched tv and had the perfect excuse for not getting up and doing anything else - maybe that will appeal to your husband??!!<br />
<br />
Good luck and it seems that we all feel for you! And you can pm me (and probably any of us) when you are feeling overwhelmed - we have been there - done that and know it is NOT easy. And I am not one to sugar-coat and glamorize being a new mommy - I think it is unfair to new moms or potential moms to lead them to believe that it is all a bed of roses - remember roses - they have thorns - that is the REALITY of motherhood!

First of all, just b/c you are the baby's mother doesn't mean you are omniscient where she is concerned. She is a separate entity and has her own quirks and preferences. As you get to know her better, you will learn what some of them are. You will also teach her some things that work for you and will work for her. If she starts crying, first check her diaper and change her. Some babies HATE to be wet or dirty. Change them, soothe them, they are back asleep. #2, if she's hungry, she will scream. If that's not it, what else is there? She may has gas or a tummy ache. Jiggle her, get her to burp, put her on her tummy across your knees and jiggle her gently. gently run her back at the same time. That does wonders for some babies. Rock her and sing softly to her. That can be very soothing to her. Try a hot water bottle or heating pad on her tummy. Just make sure it's not too hot and doesn't stay more than 15 mins or so. Do you have a motorized swing? Some babies love that. If this persists, talk to your pediatrician. She could be lactose intolerant if she's on formula. This is VERY common. Change the formula, crying solved. If you are breastfeeding, is she getting enough at one time? Are you making enough milk? Or is she suckling hard enough? Have you tried a pacifier? Sometimes they need to suck more to calm themselves, but aren't hungry. If she really has colic, changing the formula can work miracles. They have found that many babies have gastric reflux and that's the problem -- like indigestion. There is medication for that if the jiggling doesn't work. Keep me informed. As for your husband, he's a jerk. he's a man and men around new babies are often jerks. It scares the be-jesus out of them! You know how they hate it when we cry! How the heck can they handle a baby's crying? NOT. Try to figure out what works and what doesn't for her. See if you can get him involved. Some enfants respond to a man's deeper voice or the way he rocks them. hang in there!

Well, he doesn't work. Never has. He has changed a lot lately with the way he is towards her, and me. I wonder sometimes, why am i here?

You are right, he was mean. It is so unfair that he doesn't help with your baby daughter. It was like that when my first child was born. It was all me, all the time, taking care of the baby. And he did not understand. It takes them a LONG time to learn... if they ever do! <br />
Make sure you let him know that you need more help from him. Even if the situation is that he is working and you are home, you still need a break from the baby. And he should understand and not just go away when the baby cries. <br />
I can remember screaming at the top of my lungs over the crying baby and even punching my husband with one arm and having the baby in the other. It really has to come to that sometimes. I told him what a jerk he was, it took him a few years after that incident for him to realize it. Not before 4 years and 3 kids later, after I gained 50 pounds from depression...<br />
Things are better between us now, but I still really have to push him if I want to go out. It's always up to me, and I really hate that sometimes! <br />
<br />
Keep telling him he has to do some things for you. Be specific and be persistent. that's the only way things will change.