You Lazy Bum!

I just became acquainted with a man who is 42 years old and doesn't work because he says he "has performance anxiety", which makes it impossible for him to keep a job. He lives with his parents and relies on them to supply him with everything- his food, his therapy, his medications, and his clothing/toiletries. However, he loves photography and often goes out to offer his services as a photographer to total strangers and groups of people. He goes to the movies, goes out to eat, goes to malls, etc. Seems perfectly normal and not anxious at all to me.

He is very friendly (according to his words), and is excited to meet new people in hopes of having a girlfriend. I asked him if he is on medication for the anxiety and he claims he is but that it "doesn't do much" for him. So I suggested he change how he eats and perhaps get a walk every day. He claims that he has tried both of those methods and they "didn't do anything" for him. (Somehow I doubt that.) So then I asked him what he plans to do. He answered: "I hope to get disability benefits, then I can get my photography business off the ground and move out of my parents' house."

Now... here's my question: If he's not too "anxious" about walking up to total strangers and asking if they need a photographer, then PERFORMING THAT JOB FOR THEM, why can he not get a regular job like everyone else? Why is a 9-5 kind of job too taxing, but freelance photography (which is not exactly a gravy train job) is not? I smell a bunch of b.s., and a lot of laziness.

I am completely understanding about people with disabilities. I myself have generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety, PTSD, and fibromyalgia. I myself have had to stop working- not because of my anxiety, though that did trouble me a great deal. I had to stop because of being in constant pain and suffering constant fatigue. And every day I hate it, I would LOVE to get a job again and be able to have some sort of life, feeling useful and productive!

So for someone who seems perfectly able to get out and work, but chooses not to? OH that just burns me up! I believe that you should help yourself and do all you can FIRST, before lying back and letting everyone else take care of you.
SpiritOfTheRabbit SpiritOfTheRabbit
36-40, F
59 Responses Jun 26, 2013

The problem is the government more than anything else, and this appears to be a classic example. As our country edges ever so slowly towards Socialism, the emphasis is placed on, "entitlement programs", rather than employment education.
>No nation can succeed who's people have been trained to wait at the mailbox for their meal tickets, rent subsidies, medical cards, and free utility subsidies. Sooner or later; and "later" is close at hand, the cookie jar is going to be empty, and we will be left with millions of worthless, non-productive citizen who have no idea where to get their next meal; who'll have no idea HOW to get their next meal, because they've wasted the entire lives, and working American's hard earned money waiting by the mailbox.

There's a cat fight going on in here get guys come look !!! Haha jk

I was kinda on board with this laziness thing although I wondered why it was necessary that you take this guy's inventory. Then I read the last paragraph about your limitations and that changes everything. You feel slighted that his lifestyle benefits him more than yours benefits you.
I think you should pump your brakes and stay in your lane. Good bad or indifferent this guy will get what's coming to him.

Damn and I felt that I was lazy when I didn't have a job to go along with school . I have money but extra would be nice

Who are you to say what he is and is not capable of? You do not know the demons he fights at night, the battles behind closed doors and in his mind. It's really not our business to try to assess situations like these. Some people aren't capable of work 5 days a week from 9-5. Some kids aren't capable of sitting in a classroom for seven hours a day. It isn't our job to condemn these people and call them lazy. It's our job to encourage and uplift them. It's our job to recognize that some people are fighting battles we know nothing about and a "diet change and a daily work" won't cure it. Delegitimizing another person's struggle and belittling them will not cure them, either. I understand your frustration and it totally acknowledge that some people make things up to take the easy way out and use other people in the name of laziness. But it's not your job to call these people out and decide if what they're struggling with is "real" or not. No hate.

I smell B.S. with that guy also. Just what this country needs - another person not working and on disability. Loser....

I believe you have a clear view of this person. I hate paying the way with my hard work (govt taxes) for bums, looses and a users of our archaic govt system. I have worked in a very physical job for 31years. I've always paid my way even in times I could have taken help. Help from govt, other peoples hard work is a last resort yet people like this focus their energy in how to NOT work. The only motivation he needs is his parents to kick his *** out, cut him off financially and then watch how fast he becomes capable as mealtime rolls around or it starts to rain!
If people stop enabling beggars at intersections then they would go get jobs!
Understand, I'm the first to give to organizations. I research and donate to my chosen beliefs.
When asked time and again at grocery stores if I want to give to bla bla bla I tell them very loud so all ca hear but not yelling,"I don't think this is right you begging for monies from customers. I make my own donations elsewhere. If you think it's a cause worthy of donating monies to then give them some of the profits you just made off of my purchases. Have a great day" ~ my 2 cents

Totally understand! I've come across so many persons that blame the world for their probs and are waiting for the right time to live their lives... never realizing that "what is is more important than what should be," in the words of Bruce Lee.. these ppl strike me as they are their own problems..

Sounds like that guy never grew up, & is probably someone who will never be happy b/c he cannot seem to get his head out of the clouds long enough to realize that the only way the world will give him his break is if he goes out & gets it himself.. no entitlement in the real world..

so much else to say, but I'll just say this: cheers to you for recognizing the situation for what it is, suggesting help, but never believing he is someone to save...b/c the only thing you can save him from is himself... so good job...btw awesome name- I love rabbits & have a pet bunny.. a fat chunky one that nibbles on anything it sees... but he's so freegin cute I just can't get mad at him.. although my boyfriend gets annoyed but he can get over it!... so keep on trekkin chica :)

I love bunnies!!! Mine is fat and chunky too but he poops more than he nibbles!

There needs to be a form filled out by a phyciatrist. Your boyfriend could work at a desk job.

He is not my boyfriend. Why is everyone assuming that?

It's about time people speak out about these bums that are NOT disabled! Don't get me wrong, if you truly have a disability then there is nothing wrong with getting the help you need. But it's people like him that cause it to be so difficult for others who are really disabled to get benefits! My fiancé has a severe problem with his leg, it started over a year ago, he has tried going to doctors, seeing a chiropractor, taking medication...nothing is helping him with the pain. The problem is that he had to stop working because his pain was so unbearable. The people from the social security administration completely dismiss him. He has already had to file an appeal. It sucks because we can't live off my income alone, we are on the verge on losing everything...we can't afford to take him to doctor after doctor to prove how bad it is. He wants the disability to get health insurance, to get his leg FIXED. So then he can get back to work..but no..they treat him like he's not really disabled because lack of medical proof. It's bums like this guy that make it so difficult! They fake these mental illnesses, and get a free ride. I know all too well about anxiety, I have angora phobia, PTSD, disassociation, severe anxiety...this guy is a complete fake! Not to mention if he had anxiety this severe, he would NOT be so willing to go out and do these things, talking to's all just B.S....sorry, but this story just struck a nerve...but I agree with you Spirit. He IS a bum!!

A case manager helped me. She found a lawyer to help me get social security. I went 2 times on my own. The first time i was denied because i have a good memory. The guy said people who get this do not have a good memory. I got socoal security about 6 months to a year later.

I am so sorry to learn about your fiance's leg and the problems that this is causing for you both. I am sure that it must be very frustrating to not be able to find the cause of the problem so that his leg can recover and he can work again. Hope that things improve for you both soon.

He should get a job with his local city public works union and pick litter from the street for $18 an hour. Then he will have zero-stress financial stability while working on his photography business in the evenings.

This is very simple. It is not about him. It is about you. You seem not to trust him. You do not like his way of living. Then it is YOUR choice that you are staying with him. Stop making your life miserable and move on.

About him now, I know what it feels to have issues. Unfortunately, people who are not going through these health related problems can not empathize. Just because he meets strangers for photography doesn't mean that is his trigger for anxiety. Triggers for anxiety can be different for everyone. For one it can be talking to strangers and for others it may actually be relaxing.

Sorry to be direct and harsh but I do not think you are the perfect woman for him. When he will need you, you may not be there for him because you obviously can not handle his issues at the moment. So do yourself a favor and seek someone who you like better. Not because he is full of BS, but because you are not on the level that he needs you to be.

Good luck on whatever choice you decide to take.

Hmm. The woman who originally posted did not say that she wanted to be with this man. She was pointing out that he was getting his financial needs met without expending any energy of his own. She is actually very wise to consider his actions rather than his words because he also wanted to date her and she refused; wise choice I think. She has avoided a problem before it began. Good idea for anyone who is invited out by someone with his credentials. Unfortunately, all the people who would be on his level at this stage in his life would have to take on a parenting role as one would do with one's own dependent children; good thinking? NO! Better to choose an adult who can be in the world as a mature adult and support himself.

Let him set up his business and see if he makes a go of it. If he puts his back into etc, he may be worth knowing. If not, to quote Dionne Warwick, " Walk on by..."

You sound very judgmental. Why not mind your own business. Focus on your own life and stop being judgmental of others. Nobody knows what another goes through. You only see the picture from the outside, you can't possibly know what he suffers from the inside.

Here we go, another White Knight.

I notice you have a story about hating nobody because you are a Christian. You might want to consider becoming a "white knight," yourself, or more commonly known as compassion and understanding.

Even God teaches us to help ourselves.

He is helping himself; he's working as a photographer. What are you doing to help yourself? It sounds like you're just collecting welfare.

So now you're judging *me*. lol See how that works? You guys don't know this man as I do- trust me, he is working the system. I am not.

....Lest ye be judged

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we all gotta work... for one... this guy obviously has it easy and this woman, SpiritOfTheRabbit is obviously a bit itchy about this guy because of how he gets off so easy. she's been working for a long time, and as she said she's been struggling with it and (i'm proud of you for still looking for alternative ways to get money by not taking supply from the gov.) so she's a bit pissed off that this guy is like this.

the anxiety thing i feel ya, because when i see people claim they have anxiety yet they do all these things it honestly really does annoy me because for one, it puts a bad reputation on the word anxiety and secondly they don't have it yet they flaunt it.

I think maybe you should just meet up with this guy as if you were just wanting to meet somebody. it doesn't mean you have to go further on into it, and it doesn't mean it has to be a date or relationship ordeal. perhaps just go out for coffee at a cafe so then you can really judge your instincts upon him when you leave.

humans are like that, unfortunately; we like to notice differences between one another so we can stand our grounds and use instinct to tell if we don't like them or not .... there's so many reasons ...

good luck on your decision!

You should dump him.

I'm not dating him, don't intend to.

Thats good.

'Like' attracts 'like'....I have often seen that others see undesirable traits in others and don't realize that they are the same way. I've seen alcoholics put down other alcoholics or druggies....gamblers who put down other gamblers when the only difference may be the type of gambling. I think this is the same situation. Are they really so different, other than the fact that one has family 'enablers'?

I have severe rheumatoid arthritis, epilepsy, profound hearing loss (Have a cochlear implant that doesn't work)...yet I always worked...overtime, too...even though my RA doctor once told me that I would never be able to work more than 25 hours a week...(I surprised him, though, (changing my field of work did the trick), and he always asked how it was going and told me how proud he was of me). I am now retired and babysitting my grandchildren and taking care of my elderly mother with dementia. You can do whatever you set your mind to. Their is a job for everyone who has the desire to work, filing work are a few examples. I don't understand why that guy doesn't just get a license and be a professional photographer...or teach each his own.

This is true. We are all mirrors for each other. The trouble though with the guy this woman is talking about is that he appears to be a user and is not doing a whole lot to take responsibility for his own survival and living expenses. The kind of people who enable such people to live their lifestyle usually have co-dependent characteristics and need healing in order to stop enabling these people. The ability to recognise certain behavioural characteristics can also mean that you are aware of them. If, however, you are judgemental or you get a strong emotional charge when you are around that person, it is quite likely that you have some issues that could need to be healed. If you simply notice the behaviours and are able to set strong boundaries so you don't get used by that person, then that is a healthy way to be. Narcissists, alcoholics and other chemical dependents find it easy to work their way into the life of a co-dependent person due to their lack of strong boundaries. Narcissists and chemically dependent people are notorious for crashing through people's boundaries no matter how strong, but if you do have strong boundaries it is possible to keep a safe distance from those energy vampires.

Move on. I agree that he seems to lack real ambition. People that get aggravated by your assesment are probably the same way. So you've determined that at 42 years of age he is still free loading off his parents and is not as independant and "together" as you would like a man his age to be. Move on. Find someone that is more to your liking. You obviously know what you don't find attractive or admirable in a man. Find someone that has his life together. Has ambition. Has a steady job and is able to stand on his own two feet. Approach potential friends in this way. Do I admire, respect, like you. Are you someone that will help me to be a better person? Do you have qualities that I can aspire to? If the answer is no, then move on. Surround yourself with people you hold in high regard.

People are as they are, they do what they do, live their life as they see fit, I honestly don't see the reason why people get bothered how other people live their lives, in my opinion that is very pathetic, isn't your life enough to concentrate on ? if your life isn't going as you want it, take a hint.

I must have hit a nerve with you. lol

Hmmmmmmmmm let me see. So AcidSpoof, it's perfectly ok that I get to pay 52% + of my retirement income in tax, so that these slack a55holes can stay home and be parasites. I was the first to comment on this story (go and read it) and I don't believe the stress of working and supporting ones self (or their family) is in any way "incapacitating" by any stretch of anyone's imagination. I am 60 years old, without once putting my hand out, for ANYTHING. I started this life with nothing, leaving home with the clothes on my back at 14, everything I have I EARNED, one way, or another.

Well everything we are doing now, everything we have done, everything we hope to achieve, all the fear we feel about what might happen to us financially, fear of what other people think of you , family, your hopes and my opinion its all rather pointless..................death is the one destiny we all share and after we are dead everything we have done,feared,loved wont really matter, I don't want to sound like some recycled self help book but I honestly think if you leave people BE and stop getting pissed because they chose to be parasites and not pay many taxes as you, like some one is "cheating" at life ,your life will be much better because it makes you feel bliss and only concentrate on what matters most to YOU , like I is as it is.

Everything I wrote above is my opinion which means agreeing/disagreeing with it is irrelevant and it doesn't really matter either, fear drives everything people do, eliminate it and you'll be much happier.

Oh and everyone who has posted on here thinks their opinion is right, human beings think its ALL ABOUT THEM and I'm not talking about the human race as a whole, I'm talking about "you" the individual, we think everything that people do,happens is all about us,selfish is what we are, that is the condition of the human race.

Not really, I'm 21 and your opinion of someone else's life reminds me of when I was 16. just saying.

Well, I agree that a lot of people are governed by fear and yes, once we die, all we have earned or gained on Earth will count for nothing. I agree that people should be free to live their lives in their own way. However, I also think that people have the capacity to learn if they are ready or want something different in their lives. Prior to death, we still have to live each day, preferably peacefully and joyfully. This woman posted her story about the man she met and it gained many responses. The man may want to continue to live his life as a parasite and there are obviously people who enable him. Many people have co-dependency issues and these hurt the co-dependents as much as the energy vampires and human leeches of this world. I think it is a good thing to share information that can help shine a light on how to heal co-dependency because it is extremely destructive to all concerned and does not help the ones who are being enabled.

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I would say think about your life and try to do what you can do. Even if you knew this guys total situation and he is a fake, it would only make you wonder why you were not getting what he's getting.

I think you are spot on with your writing :)

Sounds like mommy and daddy do his work for him.

Better mommy and daddy pays than the tax payers.

The thing he might have is performance anxiety against competitiveness (he might have problems in the bedroom too) hahaha freelance is the only way to go for that poor guy. Honestly I don't think he is lazy since he performs free job for strangers, what a nut! hahaha he should at least charge them.

judge not lest ye be judged. he who is [entirely] without sin, cast the first stone.

I've sinned plenty but I am a hard worker when able.

Sounds like he just not the type to work for no one else only his self, anyway at the age 42 years old he been bullshitting his life ok a man has to think about his future if he wants a wife and kids all those things cost money these days move along and just date him until he makes some kind improvement for you, he cant help you with nothing and you know what they say when man cant do nothing for a woman and you say he a photographer oh please no way be aware on that life style to cause you sure don't want him snapping pictures of naked women , I had girlfriend once married a photographer and he was a freak taking pictures of women at the ***** club and had no time for his wife am not saying it be like that on your end am saying just be careful you come 1st. He has to do what makes you happy every woman deserves a smile, and realize how much stress it could cost you to take care of his tail lol!!!! A man that has something to offer you pretty much is taking more responsibilities in his own life

Amen. I think a lot of people are able to get diagnosed with bullshit problems that gives them an out for having to work. And I loathe them.

@Spirit of the rabbit, this lazy, user guy sounds similar to my ex boyfriend only my ex was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Beware of guys who are lazy users, they usually can end up manipulating women to some point to get what they want out of you. Even if they are annoying and we see right through them, they can still work their mojo somehow, sometimes. My recommendation would be to unacquaint yourself from this guy.....just speaking from experience. Nothing good ever comes from knowing people like this.

Very well written very well said. If more people thought like you the world would be a better place. Noting against anyone with real disabilities but the ones who make excuses and milk the system .....BOTHER ME TO NO END.

Really! Something that looks like a rat, smells like a rat and behaves like one, is probably a rat. In this instance, a guy that looks like a user, acts like a user and behaves like one according to what has been written about him by this woman, says a lot about his way of living. You know, I see a lot of young people in my city who sit on the pavement with signs saying that they are unemployed and homeless. It is easy to retain a stance of victimisation rather than getting off one's bottom and finding even simple, non-skilled work like cleaning. When my daughter was small, we had little money and I found myself in the role of single parent. My car died and financially it was extremely difficult. My solution to that problem. I created an organic stoneground bread business that emerged from my very basic and small kitchen and oven and made 27 loaves of bread three days each week. I walked the streets of my neighbourhood until it was sold and the business slowly grew. I eventually had a lot of customers including a health shop where I sold my bread and a friend took some to a country marked each week. The other thing I did, since I didn't have a car until I was able to save the necessary funds to repair mine, was to find local cleaning work. So for about a year, I cleaned several houses and worked in people's gardens to earn money. Sure, it wasn't my ideal job, but it brought in money. People can lay down and be victims or find many excuses to not work. They can enjoy being enabled by others to not have to support themselves or undergo the painful process of procuring work. I guess that you have to want to work enough and be able to consider options outside the square sometimes. Life owes no-one a living. We are each responsible for living our lives.

"It is easy to retain a stance of victimisation rather than getting off one's bottom and finding even simple, non-skilled work like cleaning."

Someone's gotta clean all those porta-potties!

In all seriousness, you make several very good points. It is part of a parent's role to encourage independence, so I can't help but wonder what the guy's problem is there.


I liked the beginning of the message but I'm not reading a book haha

I have autism and am about the same age as the guy in the article(43). I would love to have a job. I have tried to get help from vocational rehabilitation in securing employment to no avail. I live with my parents on a disability stipend. I lack the ability to read social cues and the like which makes having a job a struggle because you need that to navigate the business world's oceans. I cant even find job coaching to help me and I live in a large city more or less.

I think that your situation is very different from the guy who is in the story written above. I can imagine that you face huge challenges just getting through everyday life and finding work would also not be easy. There is a very famous woman who lives in the States and she has autism and she is a very high functioning autistic person. You may have read about her. Her name is Temple Grandin. She is able to use her intelligence to work out how to relate with people even though she cannot understand what it is to feel and relate like most people. Temple Grandin creates cattle runs for cattle that are being taken for slaughter so that they remain calm and not traumatised during the process that occurs once they arrive at the abbatoir. She is in high demand and has found a way to live her life as fully as she can and to also earn her living. I think that she is the exception rather than the rule though. I really wish you well in your search to get a job.

I have met her. She is a rather imposing figure. But she was lucky . She was diagnosed at a early age and at different point of time than I was. She was one of the first cases diagnosed in America way back in the 1960's. I was born in 1970's and was originally diagnosed learning disabled. The diagnosis of autism went underground and did not come back on the radar until about 1995. Grandin also makes rounds in the autism world doing lectures for Future Horizons which is how I got to meet her. I have pretty much given up finding work because each time I try to use the state run service of Voc Rehab, they always get frustrated with me. There are no other options. I refuse to do Goodwill because they exploit the disabled. Thanks to a 75 year old law, they can hire the disabled for 22 cents on the dollar while their ceos make half a million to a million dollars a year. But you will never here Amnesty International speak out about these atrocities. We don't register on their radar. I worry about where will I go when my parents pass away. I don't want to go to a facility where I could be taken advantage of sexually by staff or other residents and there is nothing I can do about it or live with a relative because most of my relatives (I am the ONLY one with autism in my family and it can run in families) are married with their own offspring.

You have to remember the support services needed by people with disabilities dry up when they hit the magical age of 22. That is considered the age of adulthood in the disability community. Plus there are NO government incentives to hire the disabled like there seems to be to hire the illegal alien who they do NOT need to make accommodations for. They can even pay them under the table.

you are so preety, that is what i can see, but also has the spirit of life which i do not have much, on me right now but i still go to work everyday no matter hard it is, hope you can work again like you wish ,

sweet regards ,,,,

Peculiar people of this kind are found every where. Thank you

Perhaps it's all a degree of what any one person can handle. I have been diagnosed with many of the same things you have plus a debilitating disease called Ehlers-Danlos syndrome and I too live in constant agonizing pain and yet I am able to hold down a job and frequently have worked 18 hour days, six days a week. It's all relative to what any given individual can tolerate and withstand. For your acquaintance, you have seen him operating in one set environment. Perhaps when he has a real job and has to meet others' expectations, he becomes overwhelmed and starts to fall apart. I don't know. All I know is it is very easy to judge someone and even harder to change your perception of them once that judgment is made. You've only seen a small bit of how he is and it may be premature to formulate an opinion yet. I do agree, however, that is so incredibly frustrating when someone claims they can't do anything and you know for a fact they're lying. Especially when you yourself want to work and cannot! Best wishes.

Are you folks missing that SpiritOfTheRabbit says she isn't able to work? How is she being supported? Is she getting public funds? At least the guy is not getting public money and is trying to earn something. We don't know all the details of his situation. What's clear though is that the author is the pot calling the kettle blacker.

I think maybe you are the one who is judgemental!! If SpiritoftheRabbit has fibromyalgia then I certainly sympathize with her. I have a friend who was a workaholic and ended up with this disease and she cannot work and let me tell you it is that which makes her more crazy then the disease. It would appear to me that this man who seems to have no problems with the photography and getting out to do it, might just maybe not have as big an issue as he portrays. Especially if he wants disability to pay him so he can get a different job seems a bit of a stretch don't you think? To many people use the system and make it difficult for those who really need it. Even though we don't know enough about this gentleman to really say for sure but it seems a bit fishy.

yes she isn't working a fact she is unhappy about. This is why public funds are available unlike those who want to use them to start a career although I can't speak for the man's condition (if he earns money for his photos he has something to work with). Spirit may not have the luxury of living at parents home with their support and I imagine she would not want to burden them.

Well why are turning against spirit of the rabbit?! She's not on trial here!!! She has valid points about that guy she knows. So leave her alone.

I believe that the people who are "turning against" the OP are employing the Christian ethic of judge not, lest you be judged.

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Dam rights my hoyfriends ex is just like that. Ok they had three children together and he pays child support wich is fine i understand but henalso pays her spousel support so she can sitnon butnon the computer while her oldest daughter babysits the other two her excuse as to why she cant get a job is because she can't find one that pays enough to offset the cost of a cab and there are many more where that comes from

Some people just want a free ride, seems a shame to waste your whole life trying to achieve it though.

This is probably a fine example of the "shadow effect" that Carl Jung spoke of. An example in recent history was Edgar J Hoover who persecuted homosexuals as "sexual deviants" although he could well have been and at least was accused of being one himself.
You are in a vulnerable position and you think this guy is abusing his situation. Whether he is or isn't, is not really our concern. You take a firm stand against his position to indicate socially that you are not like him.
That is OK. Mostly this process is subconscious - but that is why it is said not to judge others - only ourselves.
We can never fully know what is in someone's heart and mind and appearances deceive. People speak both truth and lies.

LOL. Well, this guy certainly has it made. He has all his material needs met and does not have to do anything to get anywhere in life. If he can get people to support him, then he has learned a skill that is working for him. I have learned a lot about guys with potential; that's just it; these guys have potential and are a long way off being able to be available in any shape or form as a true partner to a woman. Best to listen very carefully, and leave them alone. A crocodile, although you might like to play with him like a puppy, is still a crocodile. A crocodile cannot change its intinsic nature. Guys with potential are the same; guys with potential. if you are thinking that he could be your pet project and you will be the woman who is the making of him; think again. If you have that sort of thinking, best to make yourself your project and give to yourself everything you might have chosen to give him. A psychologically healthy woman would not be attracted to a man/boy like this, but would know what a real man was like and would not settle for less.

It is true that people seek their own level. What I will say to you is that it is probably better to leave someone who is hard work, well alone if they have that much work to do on themselves. Better to realise that there are much healthier fish in the sea and it is more restful and productive to select a guy who has his act together. Then it is easier and more enjoyable and healthier for both people. However, if a person wants someone who is so much hard work, then they are usually co-dependent or functioning at the same level as the person who will not expend effort and contribute equally.

You're being awfully judgemental about someone who seems to be better off than you are! You don't know much about his life, why he can't work a regular job, but give a long list of why you can't. Why shouldn't I judge you more harshly than him? At least he's trying to get work.

I think that if you don't like his attitudes, stay away from him not to get into trouble.
It's his parents problem. He is lazy because they suport him.
Some parents treat his children as kid always. Bible says one to eat must work.

You hit the nail on the head. Thank You! !!

No offense, but don't you think you need to mind your own business.I mean really, this is his life not yours!As others have stated traditional jobs aren't for everyone.Some people have hidden mental health issues that aren't so visible to the naked eye.

If you're just concerned as a friend then I apologize for the rude remark, but if you want to rag on someone I don't.In time you can be sure this guy will lose his comfortable lifestyle once his parents die.Relying off of anyone's kindness to keep from accepting your own responsibilities only works for so long.

If this guy is 42 years old and he doesn't realize he needs to get serious with his life, I highly doubt you'll be able to say anything to change his mind.I live in a low income building and most of the people in my building drink and use drugs and hang out pretty much most of the day and night.Yes I can officially say I live in loserville and there really isn't much hope around here.

Just like I cant do anything about the people around me, you wont be able to do much with this guy either.Some people are just born losers(meaning those that just refuse to try even when they have the opportunities to excel)

I really wouldn't worry about him or others like him.The best you can do is don't let his lack of work ethics and free-spirited don't give a damn behavior ruin all what you have going for yourself.These people can be good **** talkers and convince weak minded people their way of life is the norm when most of us know better.Just please don't fall in love with this guy or have unprotected sex with him.You'd be paying dearly for the rest of your life!

Some people can't do traditional jobs, I am also. They enjoy free life and want to do anything won-way. If like this people can involve proper way, they can do more better.

I so agree with you. I've had to go on disability as well, and I do mean had to. Fibromyalgia, cervical kyphosis, degenerative disc disease, spinal stenosis, scoliosis, herniated discs pressing on my spinal cord. I would work if I could. So many people are just plain lazy anymore. Like the world owes them a free ride. I don't get it.


Maybe you should help this friend of yours. Who knows, with your love and support he will become a more complete person.I can think of people who are much worse than him.

At least this gentleman is not harming or hurting others. He seems to be just going about his life without bad mouthing anyone else.

Please spend more time with him. Perhaps all he needs is a non judgmental friend who will love him regardless. From the looks of it, his life is empty and yearning for love.

What can be more divine that filling a lonesome person's heart and life with love. Think about it. Do a good deed today. Be the loving friend he needs. You can be the miracle of love his life so needs.

Good luck to the two of you.

This guy is being enabled by his parents and others to use them. He is happy and life is good for him because he does not experience any 'good' pain and discomfort that would actually make him grow and turn him into a real man. Everyone needs non-judgemental love and care and so does he. However, if this guy is 40 and is not living a true independent adult life, and it appears that he is not making anything much of a contribution to society; then to be more involved with him may be destructive. If his life is empty and he is yearning for love, then the first requirement is for him to learn to love himself rather than being an energy vampire sucking nutrient from wherever he can find it. To put energy into someone's life who is not prepared to put in the same degree of effort means that the relationship is co-dependent and not healthy. Why would someone waste time trying to fix someone's life when that person isn't interested in fixing his own. Fixing him would require that he see that he has issues that need addressing. The person for that job is a good therapist!

I think he's terrible and it's only fair that I should pack in my job and devout the rest of my life to you. Just as a foot note could you clarify all medical benefits, before I commit. P.S. I love you

I've known people who tried as hard as they could and then just killed themselves. Would you rather tell everyone that you are depressed, so that they all stigmatize you with mental illness, or let them think you are lazy. Not a fun choice. There are a myriad of other possibilities other than just that he is a spoiled brat who mooches off of his parents. And even if that is the case, well they're the one's who raised him that way and let him do it. There are SO many possibilities.... maybe he has never cut his apron strings, because he's got "mommy" issues. He may be comfortable taking pictures because it is the ONE thing that he has forced himself to do just to feel like he has any self worth at all. Or he could be delusional about his photography skills, and think that it is his "destiny". Ever meet someone that couldn't sing but thought they were going to win American Idol? That's not laziness, that's something completely different. And there are a myriad of emotional, neurological, and psychological problems that are just as crippling as your pain and fatigue. While you get "burned up!" by people who are lazy, I get burned up by people who think they are better than other people just because they personally have to convince themselves that they have a better reason why the world is taking care of them. Personal judgement is no place for speculation. Check yourself. Also, there were once jobs for people of many more different "ways". These days minimum wage jobs fire people for being 2 minutes late. Ma and pop shops practically do not exist. If you struggled with keeping a job in the past, then no matter WHAT, that record is available to the next would be "job provider" and you can't get hired, thanks to the internet and modern record keeping and sharing. Cannot get hired. To you understand that? For a judge, you are short on information and evidence.

That said, there are lots of lazy people and people who seem to find it impossible to work consistently. Okay, so everyone complains about immigration, but you don't see the connection on why work might be harder to find? Everyone complains about outsourcing, but you don't see why someone with this guys terrible resume would NOT be able to get a job? At some point it doesn't matter if it is laziness or mental illness, because people like you will label him as a lazy leech without even bothering to find out if you are right or not.

I agree with most of what you've said here, ultramanjones. Mental illness is certainly stigmatized to a point that even the strongest people doubt their abilities and struggle to find their place in the world. Those who haven't found that strength within themselves don't stand a chance in a social structure that demands consistency and values productivity over creativity.

What determines whether or not a person is making a contribution to the world? If it is purely monetary, through taxes and 'gainful employment,' then does that mean children, the elderly, the many people who are disabled in one way or another, and even those who are flat out lazy are lesser humans, not deserving of our compassion and encouragement?

SpiritOfTheRabbit, when someone brings up a purely emotional response within yourself (like your saying, "OH that just burns me up!"), you need to question 'why' the behavior of this acquaintance is causing you to react with judgement and criticism. Any time you find fault with another person, it is not the other person's problem. Rather, it is your own personal issues that are being mirrored back to you through another individual, causing you discomfort.

It sounds to me that this acquaintance has found something that gives his life meaning and a purpose - photography. Whether or not he succeeds remains to be seen; but that is his life, not yours. SpiritOfTheRabbit, it is up to you to find that for yourself; and from the sound of it, this acquaintance was carefully placed in your life to remind you of that.

I agree with you, as well as poisonpixy. I understand you are venting, but believe me he is not "living it up". Perhaps his anxiety causes him to ruminate at night and cause him not to sleep. That in turn would make him later and later, putting on more stress, causing more of the same, his work would suffer from being tired, and the cycle will cause him to eventually be fired. The photography thing, being his business, he can work at it when the hours are convenient for him. If he can't sleep the night before, he can work the afternoons to accommodate that. He will be in control, and SSD would help him with a business. But, if he can't work, I don't see how he would have worked enough to be able to collect the benefits. With his nerves, perhaps he is telephobic. These days it is hard to get a job if you don't use the phone. If he goes out, when he feels he can, and approaches people for work, that seems like an ideal solution. Then again, some people just want to see fault in others and cannot walk a mile in their shoes. You don't know his journey. But I can tell you that people like you are abundant in his life, and knock down his self esteem only further, and then he ends up isolated more. He doesn't have freedom. I don't hear you say he is vacationing and driving his fancy cars to expensive restaurants. I heard he wanted to move out and had a plan to do so. It is VERY difficult for people when they have NO ONE to help support them, even emotionally. You live in a vacuum and it intensifies all your symptoms.

I have anxiety and panic disorders. Dentists are a trigger for me. I went to a new dentist and asked to be prescribed a seditive that I knew worked for me, and even brought the old Rx bottle from my previous dentist. The dentist said I didn't look anxious to him. I said from across the room you can't tell if I have cavities or need root canals. Plus I had taken a sedative that day, the last one I had to get there. The dentist decided I did not need them to be prescribed. During the emergency root canal procedure, I went into a full blown panic attack. the doctor wanted to stop. I begged him, and had the person who came with me beg him not to stop, I needed to get rid of the pain, I was aware it was a panic attack, I just needed the work done. The dentist just stopped, and prescribed it for me and left. After they realized I had panic attacks, the whole office treated me like I was mentally incapacitated. They started hiding needles behind their back, so I wouldn't see them coming, the secretary would call me up to the desk from the waiting room and ask if I took my medication. I even had to go to an ER near me because I had an abscess and the secretary told me she looked at my chart and I was not in fact in pain. At one point the dentist grabbed my arm and tried to fist pump it. I was humiliated. When I gave them the documentation from my MD to show that the medication that I requested had worked for me in the past, and that I had trouble with reactions to other medications, the comment was "Guess what?? You were right!!" I was an IT manager for a 15 branch company. I hardly qualify for the level of intelligence they were treating me as having. Walk a mile in their shoes, or ask them how they feel. It might make all the difference. If you can't do that, then just get out of his life, as he doesn't need you there. Fair weather friends who insist you are a liar are very difficult to be around.

I see this as a problem with "the dole" . We a s a society foster those who do not make a contribution, make a wage, over those who can or will; the taxpayer, the talented and gifted in school, the college student.
Some on the dole really need it, some, like this case, take advantage.

Well, maybe he has anxiety working for other people but, has no problem working for himself at his own pace. Yeah, I'll admit he's got some laze about him though.

You do not want a spouse that does not work, why settle?
The two of you should have similar interest and desires or else it won't work

I did not read that SOTR was contemplating him as marriage or even dating material! Some people do want a spouse who doesn'twork, though generally this is a trophy wife. More fools they...

I've dealt with anxiety attacks, PTSD, fear of heights, and don't like to be in large crowds of people. Yet I have served in the Navy beginning at age 19, and been a tug captain on the Great Lakes until I was 55, moved to Alabama with my family to retire. Yet with a strong will, I have faced my fears, and been productive until I decided to retire. Now I volunteer for the Naval Auxiliary as a radio operator some 10 to 20 hours a week. Men, or women who cannot face their fears, work a job of some kind, or women being an effective homemaker have to at least try to face their fears, and be a productive member of society. This man you talk of , what will he do when his parents pass on? If he never worked in his whole life, the benefits he plans on getting will not be forever, due to the emphasis of Government wanting to rid itself of those who did not pay into the system sufficiently to support that same system. Government "entitlements" for those who never worked, are going to disappear. If you are involved with him then, you will be penniless. It's best you try to find a man who will love you as you are, support you, and help you face your fears and afflictions. When you have such love and support in a mate, you will find that your emotional situation becomes much more tolerable. When you find such a good guy, you never have to face like alone. Don't you settle for anything less!

It sounds feasible that what he say is true. He has performance anxiety. Doing stuff for group of strangers it's free so it doesn't matter what he's performance is like, but for work it needs to be good aka perform well. Also to me it's really believable he has tried meds and walks and it didn't work. Meds studies generally show it's slightly better than placebo on average, but it also means for some they don't respond (and for some it works super great). There are some studies which show meds aren't effective at all too. (Not to mention side effects)If just walking helps why doesn't everyone who's mentally ill (or others) do that. There's definitely effort to do this and most of people don't.It sounds to be really judgemental to think you know how this man's life is. Maybe it's frustration you are stuck in similar situation?I haven't met the guy so I have no idea how true this is, but what he saids sound really feasible and consistent with problem he presented that he has.

its seems like he is a people's person.. he should be able to work. hmmm... too bad

I have anxiety, panic attacks, major depression, not sure about PTSD (I don't tell anyone about my flashbacks, they make me feel weak). I don't have a job, my husband works and I've been home with the kids. I want a job, but when I work I end up going to the hospital or leaving early because of random panic attacks. I NEVER want to leave work early. I repair and build computers, but have no job experience to get a job doing that, I only have the training. I have never had a panic attack while repairing a computer, maybe because I don't feel inadequate with a computer. I want to learn more about Accounting and web design. I am going to get a job or be self employed, I'm not giving up. I want to be a technical writer or other sort of writer, but I'm clueless about where to begin. I used to have 2 jobs at once before the panic attacks started, for a month I'd sleep 2 hours and go to my part time job. I had the energy to get going with my boyfriend being with me.

True, people who can work should work (unless (s)he takes care of the house and/or kids) but even those who can't work and are at home all day should at least try to do something they like. For example, I can't work nor can I have a game design education due to health issues, so instead I just create games at home by learning it myself. Why not try it too now that you're home jobless? Find something you like and start doing it, perhaps even earning some extra cash because of it.

I have no respect for people who do nothing all day without having tried anything. It's a different story if they can't do it or can't find anything of course.

you caught he's bs and still there are more like him wanting someone to do everything for them because there too lazy! I say for those people we should stop helping them so they can help themselves. I have a neighbor living next door to me and she can sit there and go shopping for hours and go to movies, and have the luxury of doing all the things that people with jobs wish they could do from time to time but instead the neighbor gets more money staying at home calming disability and living off the system and she so lazy that both our kids schools have what's called after school program which school when end at 3pm and the after school program will start and it's like daycare except they learn fun things and it's open until six pm and I'm glad I have this because I work until 5:30pm and that gives me plenty of time to pick up my daughter, but with her daughter she stays until 6pm until her lazy no good for nothing mother comes to pick her up because she can't handle her and all she does is shop and lays in bed! and she's more than capable to get a job but she doesn't want one it makes her quote " feel stressed out"! so yeah Iv' seen men and women fighting to get disability when they have stage 3 cancer and ect but can't get on it because of lazy a** occupying and over flowing the system! so instead their still forced to work while these lazy a** get paid for being lazy go figure!

Oh wow this sounds like my sisters husband. It is quite irritating because he is perfectly fine until someone mentions the "W word" aka: Work. He says he has anxiety and ptsd, but he is literally one of the most social people I've ever met. He is always constantly finding excuses to not do anything. The rest of my family is pretty much fed up with it. I myself has asperger's syndrome and schizophrenia(No, not the crazy from the movies I'm going to kill you kind.) And I still try to work. I volunteer and I apply for jobs and i go to school and I don't make excuses. If I can do it so can people like that!

Good for you!!!!

We all are a little "crazy". It is the spark of genius. It is the ones like you who by sheer force of will continue on, contribute .
Three cheers to you.. Good job!

Where did you meet my son-in-law?

(let me back track a bit)

My youngest daughter, a civil engineer, (and has MS) met and married a "beach ball", who has never worked a day in his life since he married her. He has some "anxiety" disorder that keeps him from not just "working at gainful employment", he is unable to shovel the driveway in the winter (so she can go to work), or even collect up and put out the garbage. This guy is a fooking 0 (zero) who excels at x-box, watching TV, and playing games (and texting) on his phone.

My BIGGEST (and only) personal "fear" is waking up one morning and finding myself totally useless.......... and here this creep is the embodiment of that fear!

I am standing back from the whole thing.

My condolences. I can't stand laziness!

Perhaps you should buy your daughter a book about narcissists or other energy vampires or refer her to Sam Vaknin's website or to Melanie Tonia Evans. If your daughter is tolerating such treatment, then it is obvious that she has low self-esteem or co-dependency issues. Nobody with good self-esteem would tolerate living with a boy/man who does not share the household load financially. You are her father, so how did she get to have this understanding about how she should be treated? Usually girls learn from their fathers how they should be treated in the world by a man who loves them. Women teach their daughters how not to be doormats, unless of course they are doormats and their daughters follow her model. If you truly love your daughter, you would not sit by and allow her to be abused. You would take your son-in-law to task and protect your daughter, since he obviously doesn't know his role as a man.

That's not 'abuse'

My daughter has been appraised of my feelings on this particular situation, but I have offered my opinion once, it not being my place to judge the actions of a "grown woman", daughter, or not (and I'm not about to "keep at her" non-stop about it). Her life is her own, she was not brought up to harbor the useless, and she knows better, but all I can say is he mush have a big ****, or something, because I don't "get it". At this point I can only hope the "beach ball" eats himself into an early grave.

I agree that it is important not to continue once you have shared your thoughts and feelings on the matter. I hope that your daughter gets to the point where it hurts her enough to want to heal that part of her life. Sounds like it is very painful for her and even though she doesn't say anything to you about it, I cannot imagine that she would enjoy being used.

You want it to hurt her enough to want to heal....

Currently she seems happy and he doesn't beat her, so really, I have no excuse to try to "rectify" anything. She knows that there are alternatives, and there is support here, for anything she chooses to do, and if I appear to be keeping my distance it is only out of consideration for her, because I would take great pleasure doing grave bodily harm to this a-hole.

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