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I Think My Daughter Is Anorexic

What do I do............ Should i get her to eat little bits ........... even if she hate me for it............Totally lost..........spent the last 4 hours reading up on it...
rizzo1169 rizzo1169 41-45, F 15 Responses Aug 5, 2010

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Hello BreathinginBlades. If I **** you off, then that's just too bad. But not for me. Because this isn't all about... me. Or about YOU, for that matter. This is about anybody who is struggling with an eating disorder and the Hell which they live in -- every day every hour every minute -- because of that eating disorder. And also about the people who love them and are trying to help.



Yes, I do feel strongly that all pro-ana's are heartless *******. That's no secret. However, by "pro-Ana" I mean anybody who advocates "anorexia" as a lifestyle choice or a diet programme, or who insists that anorexia is something basically harmless which is merely a matter of universal personal choice.



It isn't. It is a mental illness which is extremely difficult to treat, because of the cognitive distortions. EDs are also the mental illnesses with the highest mortality (out of all mental illnesses INCLUDING schizophrenia and depression); now THAT is why people like me and the OP take such a strong stand.



I sense from your use of the words "in charge of" that maybe you are suffering from an ED but still in denial. Treating EDs is so difficult because of the difficulty in finding a useful balance between:



(i) Doing whatever it takes to make sure that a loved one with an ED isn't totally alone and isolated. Ana pretends to be a best friend, a way to gain control over a life which has NO control. But in reality, ana isolates people from all help and love and care, and from the kind of healthy, unconditional companionship they need and want (including the kind of appreciation which does NOT judge them for being "fat" or insist that they be "popular");



and



(ii) Wanting desperately to help but without being humble enough to actually read up on this mental disorder, with the result that people who are genuinely struggling with EDs feel crushed and suffocated and buried alive by what they see as attempts to control them, or else they feel terrible and discouraged because some idiot out there assumes that anorexics or bulimics are "vain".



Andrew

And u act like all pro-ana's a secretly heartless *******. UGH Andrew you **** me off. Thank God you're not in charge of her daughter, if she went about it your way the daughter would feel like a prisoner and wouldn't be trying so hard to eat with her mom!

Realize that anorexia is not just about losing weight or about some fantasy of being thin and beautiful. It is much deeper than that. It is emotional and often involves a need for control. What the anorexic does not realize is that they lose control when they subject themselves to this roller coaster. It will eventually control them. This may require more help than you alone can provide. Seek help for your daughter but also as a family to overcome. I have seen the horrific results of this illness. Once it grips its victim it is extremely difficult to regain one's life. For those who do they risk relapse without a great support system. For those who do not overcome it, they lose their health and eventually their life. It becomes a slow death and too often that is not realized until it is too late. At least your daughter has a great Mom who cares.

*HUGS*



Good luck!



Your love will carry both of you through this.



Love,



Andrew

Thank you Andrew, I have read that website and found it really informative, thank you :)

rizzo, if you want to save your daughter, please keep her well clear of any "pro-ana" people here on EP. They pretend to be sympathetic, but their mental illness is so deep that when they relapse, they will undermine any efforts you might make to help your daughter. After they have won her trust. They will feed every delusional thought she has about her weight and her body image and the "safety" of being anorexic, and they will kill her. They deceive themselves, and want to pull other people down with them.



And yes, they do relapse a lot.



You need to get your daughter into a program a.s.a.p. if you still want to call yourself her mother. If need be, cut off her internet access so she cannot visit thinspo sites or make friends with pro-ANA people here on EP. Sorry to sound harsh, but that is the truth. Anorexia nervosa has THE HIGHEST DEATH RATE of any mental illness.



There is some very good advice at helpguide.org, geared towards people who love a child or friend or sibling with anorexia and want to be helpful.



Do NOT take any advice from anybody who claims to be pro-ANA. There is NO safe degree of anorexia. Just like somebody can't be "slightly pregnant". It is a tough path and I wish you all the best in your journey with your daughter. This is a serious mental illness. Please don't allow yourself to fall into the "comfort zone" of simply negotiating with this illness and the cognitive distortions it involves, if your daughter has already reached the stage where she is feeling faint and weak.



If you want to be a good mother, get help. Professional help. Anything less than that is simply waltzing with a very serious mental illness that can be life-threatening; your attempts to "negotiate" with anorexia are well-meant but all they do is carve out wriggle room for your daughter's illness. Treat the root causes of your daughter's anorexia while you still can, eg. low self-esteem, a distorted body image, and the sense that she has no control over her life.



Be brave and ask yourself whether your daughter lies to you. You may eat "healthily" with her, but does she vomit it all up later? Assuming she is not like 9 years old, are you going to be there to help her eat adequately for the rest of her life? What do you think would happen if you WEREN'T there all the time?



*hugs and love*



Andrew

Thank you nakisha for your kind comment. Every day has its ups and downs. Its probably 50:50 at the moment. But its important to look at the ups more so. I often think of when i'm at home, in my little world I never imagined that this was and is happening on such a big scale. My daughter has no idea what started this and no idea of when it started. is this what happens or is it from being upset by something ?

Thank you, i learn a lot from those who speak from the heart, the soul is smarter than we are. And moms always go tht extra hundred miles! I love those relation sessions! the body truly is just a form of energy. I've gone weeks without food before and still needed to run up that mountain and have experienced first hand having to get that fuel from and unseen source. Have a fruitful week :)

Wow "Thefruitway" That is very interesting what you have put on the comments, I will check out your website. I can see where you are going on this. It really sounds that you spoke from the heart. I think that there will never be a cure for Anorexia because most of it is to do with the way our brain is thinking. And the brain is very complex. It is so sad to think that someone so thin can think they are so big, that alone shows how complex the brain is to tell that person that. I only see now how much of a good relationship I have with my daughter and that she trust me when I'm talking to her. We have agreed at this moment that we are going to just eat healthy and not eat to put on weight. Also we are taking a course of multivitamins with iron to make sure her brain is not starved of vitamins, I think this is very important for a healthy way of thinking. If a person eats fruit and veg, at least 5 portions of each the size of your palm each day and a 20 minute walk there is no way you will put on weight but you will look good and will have a healthy way of thinking, which will let you see in the mirror how much you do glow and not to see the negative side. My wish for anyone with an eating disorder would be to take multivitamins and eat healthy, Don't look in mirrors, think of what way you want your future to be. Visualize it and it will happen. You dont have to be so hard on yourself, you can be happy. If your not happy with the life you can Visualize a way out into a happier life. I know some of us are luck and some are not. I was in a very unhappy life once and I got out of it. It took a good few years but i got there in the end and now I have 3 wonderful children, a beautiful home and a ok husband and that is what I visualized. I dont always agree with Councillors either and that is why I brought my daughter to a spiritual healer today. It is nothing holy holy about this, the only difference is that when she talks to this girls she talks back and gives advise too and at the end of the session there is a relaxation section for 15 mins that helps you to tune in and relax yourself. Totally harmless. The one bit of advise that she gave my daughter to day that she remembers was to wear all the nice clothes in her wardrobe that she is keeping for special occasions cos everyday is a special occasion. When she came home she put on something nice and it did make her feel good. How long she feels good no one knows but even if it for 20 mins its worth it. So please everyone eat healthy and take vitamins, you dont have to put on weight just make sure your brain is healthy so you can see the true picture. And everyone is special in their own way. Dont fight with yourself. there is enough people out there that will do that for you. XXXXXXXX Enjoy your future, everyone has one you just have to go and get it yourself XXXXX <3

It's crazy that I've joined the anorexia craze when my whole life I've been an emotional over-eater, I guess borderline binge, it actually progressed to that. I stumbled on something trying to cure my heart problems that were a direct result of my binging and purging, that actually hits anorexia right at its core. I wish the world would advertise the truth about your bodies, and our problems, and the findings by scientists and their solutions rather than focusing on advertising food and toys. out of all the blogs, books, videos, friends, interviews, and classes, and talking to doctors I've discovered that only one thing actually rang clear and was the same everytime, that anorexia does not have a cure. it's a problem that goes so deep into a person's core, that therapy and other things can help yes, but not cure. Some people to overcome, but very few, and very seldom. It's like trying to overcome smoking, a lot do, but most don't, most cases I've witnessed where a person overcame anorexia they actually just grew out of it one day. Unless you grow up, or grow out of it, it's not something you can take out of a person. because it's a part of them literally, of their soul. many anorexics talk about it as if it's an awaking into a higher sphere of being. i've never seen any religion put its members on a higher sphere and greater euphoria than what i've seen some of my anorexic friends. and the closer they get to death the better they feel! so what does this have to do with a parent trying to help their child with anorexia? well first of all lets all face the reality that tomorrow might be different, humans lose jobs, there are natural disasters, depressions, sometimes even good things, we move to other cities, there are promotions, there are unexpected losses and so on. you might be able to help prevent an all out attack of anorexia for awhile but what if tomorrow is different? people, especially parents or spouses need to know that this isn't something that is going to go away for most people displaying the symptoms and even desire. so what then is the answer? well look at it from a realist's perspective, face the facts. what's the best way to prepare yourself or motivate yourself to avoid disaster? most of us when trying to not fall off a cliff, first will visualize ourselves falling off that cliff, what's the worst thing that can happen as we plummit and hit the bottom? that motivates us into action and we do much better job at navigating that cliff. it's human nature to be complacent, not worry, and think that it's never going to happen to us. During world war II the people who escaped the hollocaust are the ones who pictured in their minds the worst that could possibly happen and they immediately left their paradise that they'd built with their own hands. knowing that they might never see home again as they started a new life in another land. so picture your loved one, at the end state of anorexia, what will be the final conclusion, what do they look like days before the inevitable end? only then will you realize the urgency and seriousness of what you are trying and need to do. are drastic measures required? no! nobody gets the point. nobody sees the whole picture, because instead of the truth, what we're hearing from the experts is, "try this", "now try this", "now try this"...and on and on. am i lying? has anything worked? has anybody else been given the "try this" robot mantra routine? don't feel alone, every sickness, disease, ailment gets the same run around. I don't blame the industries supposedly trying to help, for only $300-$1,000/mo health insurance policies, or the $200 bottle of pills. but i am here to tell you that there is..."not a cure" but is in fact an "antidote". do you remember that james bond movie where he took poison and then fought his way to the antidote and lived? oh yeah, that's every movie he ever made. james bond get poisoned in every movie lol. not really, but enough of them, let's pretend every one. indiana jones too. it's just his job. he can't stop drinking poison unless he quits his job. and he can't do that, so instead of reading a book on how to prevent poisoning, because he knows it's inevitable, and instead of reading a book on how to overcome poisoning, and instead of reading a book on how to cure himself of the effects of the poison, he is going to read a book on where to find the antidote. and everytime he gets poisoned he is going to take the antidote. it's not all that unrealistic. how do you think anesthesia was discovered, and perfected? the pioneer scientists started off experimenting with strictnine poison and other nasty cousines. they were motivated by the fact that the current method, i think it was helium, kept blowing up the patient and doctors whenever there was a spark. forgive me my horrendous paraphrasing, i'm just trying to make a point. you can't take anorexia out of the person sometimes. so wouldn't it be nice if there was an antidote that while not curing the anorexia, kept it from killing the victim? most anorexics are going to stay that way, maybe periodic bouts of recovery and relapse. And more importantly another Million are born every day. maybe not that many, but you get the picture. so somebody better find an antidote! there are many drugs on the market and i'm tired of reading how they're not working or causing worse problems. i don't like taking advantage of a situation as serious as this to plug a product, but this is serious, and nobody else has a cure, or antidote, and this product is free. and it's the first product to embrace anorexia and say it's okay as long as you add this one ingredient to ensure that you stay healthy. an ingredient that in fact is not going to ruin the starving euphoric self overcoming power rush that you get from anorexia and wont make you gain weight only just a healthy amount and make you look beautiful and glowing again. i know vampires are in right now, and looking pale and dead is actually pretty cool these days, but for anybody who wants to look good while being skinny, this is the solution at last. just so i don't feel bad, i'm going to tell you to just read the first five paragraphs on the webpage i'm going to tell you to visit. don't look at any of the offers. so that way all you get is the free information that tells you the truth bout our bodies and health that for some reason nobody else knows. it was origionally called the healthy anorexic but further startling discoveries caused the discoverer of it decide to call it the fountain of youth. so try it out, you never know, they never did find the lockness monster so maybe it really is a myth, but then again some people still enjoy the fact that at least they've seen and know the truth. i've rambled on enough, go to www.healthya.webs.com and follow the blog links there if you're interested. to all of us who suffer or who are caring for others who do, we appreciate that you never give up hope in yourselves and in life :) everything i've said here should be regarded as opinion and is not from a professional. have a fruitful week!

Thank you all for your help, its working. We are eating very small amounts a couple of times a day and walking once a day for exercise. Its our 50:50 compromise. And we also agreed on eating healthy. We made fresh home made Veg soup yesterday and it was lovely :) and home made pizza today :) All low fat. It breaks my heart when I see her get annoyed for eating. but she was getting dizzy alot and feeling very week. Thank god she knows she has to eat something :)

honestly I love the fact that you are concerned about your daughter. I never had that with my family. I am pro ana, but it is a horrible road to see someone go down. Deffinately read up on it so you have all your bases covered. For most of us it starts with just wanting to be thin but once we reach that goal it takes another form and we use other reasons to keep it going. Maybe she's using this as a coping method. Try seeing if something else is wrong but DON'T interogate.

Also don't keep telling her she looks skinny enough that she shouldn't be trying to lose wieght I know it sounds weird but it really just makes a person want to eat less.

Maybe also try eating healthy with her and joining a gym together. You'll be able to keep an eye on her and let her know you are also interested in a healthy life style.

Good luck!

i would say read more bout anorexia and know that ana(short name for anorexia)isnt only a matter of wanting to be thin.. I cant say what u should do as now idk how i,myself feels but if u want to know bit more bout ana u can pm me.

Thank you so so so much for your advise :) I really appreciate it :)

Had some mixed feelings about commenting on this as i do feel like yasmin11b about the betrayal but shes right, if you make it wasy for her to loose weight healthily then maybe you can stop her going down the path of starvation and purging. Please dnt be patronising to her cos that will only make her close up. xxx