Progression Of Deflection

I didnt really know I was headed toward just sort of happened. I always felt terrible about myself. And I thought, maybe if I was prettier, thinner, then I might like myself. My mom and I are the same height, but she's (now thanks to Ana) 23 lbs less than me. Everyone comments on how we look like sisters which is a complement to her, but it was always annoying when guys my age would go for my mom and not me.

So from my brothers joking about their fat sister and my mom being the skinny, beautiful, "turned down a modeling contract" person that she is I decided to eat healthy and work only got me so far. I still wasnt where my mom was. So I ate less. I started feeling bad when I ate normally. Then I started binging. And figured out how to purge. I felt better when I purged. All my non-weight related depression, self-loathing, and imperfection seemed slightly lifted. This is how my painful cycle of bulimia started. I read about all the bad things, but I just HAD to be skinny. There had to be one thing about myself that I would like. I NEEDED to keep food out of my stomach. I did drugs and at first thought it was to make me feel better, but after a while I realized I did certain specific ones. Ones that made me not get hungry. i could feel my body getting weak. I kept trying to stop, and it would work for a while....but then I would accidently look in a mirror too long or something and something in me just HAD to start again.

The cycle continued. No food for a while, eat a little, binge, purge, no food again.
It started becomming painful when I purged

Eventually my chest would hurt for a long time after whenever I purged. So I stopped. I hated myself more and more everyday. I became more depressed and then, I stopped eating entirely. It happens when I get that depressed. Nothing matters. I saw myself a few days later. And I actually smiled. Less fat.

Now I've come to this cycle of eating an extremely small amount of healthy food, or not eating at all. I've lost over 5 lbs in the past week. At a glance I can look in the mirror and smile. But if I look too long I still see fat. Lots of fat. Everywhere.

I've been tired. Whenever my stomach growls it hurts so bad I feel like I'll throw up...but I cant make myself eat. I don't really want to. I know I should...I know that no matter how much weight I lose I'll still want to lose more because that sense of self worth isnt there. I'm just projecting onto things that I can control....

I don't know what to do. Life without this was worse. Some days I feel like I accomplished something. I don't cut anymore....well, Its rare now for me to. The aching hunger comfortably distracts me from the crippling depression.

Part of me says this is bad. I need to try and get help while I still can....but the other part, the majority remembers what things were like before. And so I keep close to Ana. Miserable. Yet not as miserable as before. Still, steadily cutting my life shorter.
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Aug 14, 2010