The Less I Eat, The More It Consumes Me.
I have read a lot of stories on here, some that are easy to relate to, others difficult. I think the thing we all can relate to is the voice in our head. I joined the gym last January hoping to lose 10 or 15 pounds. I was 128, the highest I've ever been for my 5'4 frame. I realize this is not close to over weight. but I have always struggled, like a lot of us, with trying to find that goal of perfection. whether it was with being a good friend, grades or looks. so I worked out, and changed my eating habits only allowing myself to eat low fat high protein foods. at first nothing changed and I knew it was going to take some work, but eventually the pounds shed and the praise started. how I had gotten so much skinnier, how I had the drive to work out so often, eat so healthy. over summer I continued to lose more and come a few months ago it has consumed me. I no longer feel the desire to eat, for the voice has told me it's unnecessary. exercise and emptiness are what I need to survive. It tells me to write everything I eat down, and exactly how much I weigh each day. I am now 106, my bmi says I'm under weight. knowing this gives me such a high that I can't explain. the voice told me how to get here, it must be my friend. I have been confronted by a few people to gain weight, to get my curves back, but how can I bring myself to eat when I have worked so much harder than anyone I know to be perfect. I'm not close to perfect, but I know the voice will keep showing me how. the last few weeks has been the worst. I've cut out everything, I am to eat absolutely nothing. and when I do, the voice tells me to get rid of it, so there I run to the bathroom, turn on the sink and throw it all up every last bit so that I don't wake up tomorrow fatter than I am today. I'm not quite sure what to do at this point, I'm sure I will need help, do I? I told myself if I get under weight I'll call a doctor, and now I'm telling myself if I get under 100 pounds I will. I feel so lost yet I need the comfort of knowing the voice is with me, looking out for what will make me happy. it scares me to let go of something that actually wants to stay with me. help?