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Perfection Is Impossible

I'm a perfectionist.  I have a 4.0 GPA and am never satisfied with anything less than the best...maybe that's why I struggle with some sort of eating disorder for about a year now.  I guess it's anorexia, but its sort of coupled with binge eating.  I constantly think about what I will eat next and never stop counting calories in my head.  However sometimes, usually at night, I will start eating something and feel as if I can never stop again--I loose all control.  I have started to gain weight because of this, though I am still "skinny" by society's standards...but I hate myself for it.  I used to be skinnier...and I now strive for that.   Eating makes me feel guilty and if I could never eat again I would probably be overjoyed in a sick sort of way.  I constantly comapre myself to every other person and how they appear and I always think I look fatter.  I want this to go away, but I fear if it does, I will just gain more and more weight--the weight that my brain is currently begging me to get rid of.   
adalae21 adalae21 16-17 6 Responses Feb 13, 2008

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I can like SOO relate!

THIS IS EXACTLY ME. Right down to the 4.0 perfectionist and late night binge eating. Please let's talk. It honestly sounds as if I could have written this.

I'm sooooooo sorry.. Well if you need an email buddy msg me.

it's hard. but just need to eat sometimes. water and tea just **** me up when it's all you have :(

I know what you feel. I have an eating disorder and I did lose weight at first but now I have gained, since I'm not as in control anymore. I hate not being in control. Well, during the summer, I was able to only eat like 600 calories a day and I lost a lot of weight. I still wanted to lose more but everyone was complimenting me and I was quite happy. But now, some days, I just don't eat at all but then after I binge and the guilt that follows- it's horrible. I just really want to be skinny!

I feel exactly the same way. the last month I've starved myself and now Bc of everyones pressure on ne I've started eating, I have gained pretty much no weight but it's Bc I throw up after I eat anything. it sucks being stuck on the middle, one day I starve myself, the next I eat 1000 calories. I don't know if your exactly the same way but I feel hopeless.