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Perfection Is Impossible

I'm a perfectionist.  I have a 4.0 GPA and am never satisfied with anything less than the best...maybe that's why I struggle with some sort of eating disorder for about a year now.  I guess it's anorexia, but its sort of coupled with binge eating.  I constantly think about what I will eat next and never stop counting calories in my head.  However sometimes, usually at night, I will start eating something and feel as if I can never stop again--I loose all control.  I have started to gain weight because of this, though I am still "skinny" by society's standards...but I hate myself for it.  I used to be skinnier...and I now strive for that.   Eating makes me feel guilty and if I could never eat again I would probably be overjoyed in a sick sort of way.  I constantly comapre myself to every other person and how they appear and I always think I look fatter.  I want this to go away, but I fear if it does, I will just gain more and more weight--the weight that my brain is currently begging me to get rid of.   
adalae21 adalae21 16-18 7 Responses Feb 13, 2008

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I can like SOO relate!

THIS IS EXACTLY ME. Right down to the 4.0 perfectionist and late night binge eating. Please let's talk. It honestly sounds as if I could have written this.

I've had anorexia nervosa for a year and got down to 67 lbs. Then I had bulimia nervosa. For 33 years. And I weighed 80 lbs for many years. I could envision dealing with the calories...actually I was DIETING AND BULIMIC, which is something else...I would eat 2 containers of frozen spinach and run to throw up. My problem is also my sister;s problem. She's 43 and she's really going...she just caught viral pneumonia and she's been losing teeth for a few months...our problem is NOT an eating disorder, but a mental illness. We were disgnosed bipolar, me II, her I. We were also diagnosed adult adhd...we've been under psychiatric care for many years, in my case almost 30! Psychotropic medications don't work. I tried for 20 years with NO RESULTS. Finally some 3 months ago I stopped the meds. Im no better. I'm no worse. I'm exactly the same. Psychotherapy...don't even talk to me about that...my latest therapist got upset because I could control my bipolar cycles????Which is kind of the reason why bipolar disorder is a disability...my bulimia nervosa was cured by 3 rounds of topomax. I was lucky, though. I know people who tried it with no results. I read that zoloft or similar medications may help anorexia. May...

I'm sooooooo sorry.. Well if you need an email buddy msg me.

it's hard. but just need to eat sometimes. water and tea just **** me up when it's all you have :(

I know what you feel. I have an eating disorder and I did lose weight at first but now I have gained, since I'm not as in control anymore. I hate not being in control. Well, during the summer, I was able to only eat like 600 calories a day and I lost a lot of weight. I still wanted to lose more but everyone was complimenting me and I was quite happy. But now, some days, I just don't eat at all but then after I binge and the guilt that follows- it's horrible. I just really want to be skinny!

I feel exactly the same way. the last month I've starved myself and now Bc of everyones pressure on ne I've started eating, I have gained pretty much no weight but it's Bc I throw up after I eat anything. it sucks being stuck on the middle, one day I starve myself, the next I eat 1000 calories. I don't know if your exactly the same way but I feel hopeless.