How Long Before It Ends..

I haven't been eating at all lately. Maybe 100 calories a day, or nothing at all. It's not that I'm trying not to eat. I just don't feel hungry. I'm so disgusted with myself that I'm not even hungry anymore, and when I am. I still wont eat. I feel so fat and worthless. No one is ever going to love me. How could they love me? I'm a horrible person. I never thought I'd become like this. I never thought that food would become my enemy...

I lay in bed and run my hands over my collarbones, my ribs, and my hips. I can more and more of them every day. I like the feeling. I know I'm slowly killing myself, but I'm okay with that. I remember when it was hard to give up food and I would still binge alot. And now, it's just so easy to say no to food, it just comes natural. Every morning when I wake up, the first thing I do is look at my body in the mirror. All I see if fat.. fat everywhere.. it's all just fat and ugliness.

There are some days when I'm in a good mood and think "Why am I doing this to myself?" then I'll stare hard at my reflection and it all comes back. "Your fat.. no one wants you. Your so ugly, your family doesn't even want to see your face. You don't deserve to eat food, your just a fat ugly cow. People only look at you because your so ******* fat, look how ugly you are. Your disgusting!" The voice rings in my ears and echoes through my brain.. and suddenly, food doesn't feel so good anymore. I can't eat without feeling sick. There's a voice that tells me to puke it out. And when I eat, I have to try hard not to throw up. Not because I feel fat, but because it's like my body rejects the food.

When I come on here, I feel strong. I feel like things aren't so bad. But once I'm off and back into the real world, all of those feelings come back. I read these stories on here and it hurts me. There are good people who deserve to have happy lives and I can't help them get that. I wish I could take all of their pain, because I would. I hope everyone has a happy live <3
DetachedCitizen DetachedCitizen
22-25, F
5 Responses May 21, 2011

LADY!! You are beautiful already! Please eat healthy. I may not know exactly how you feel, but I care about you and I want you to get better. You are strong and you can overcome this. I know you've been trying, but keep trying. I'll help you in anyway I can.

I know how it feels. I was anorexic for most of my life. I am still struggeling every single day. I don't know anymore I really just want to give up on life. What is the point of it all. Everything is so bullsh*t. I just want to be accepted and I just want to be loved. I feel like a freak. My parents are mean, and I can't understand the point of life if all that I do daily is struggle. It is so crap. I can't take it. Thinness doesn't even make it better, I just want to feel beautiful..

Thank you both for being here for me. You know exactly how it feels, and you know how hard it is. I honestly don't think I could make it through without the both of you. I wish you would both eat, especially you Kity, you need to eat something. We're kind of in the same place right now. I hope we both get better <3<br />
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Bones are very beautiful <3

I honestly don't know what to say here. I've been to that place so many times before, there is nothing I can say to help, it's you who has to want to get better before you will. I hope you can do it, but I'm not going to preach about recovery.<br />
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There is something so fantastically perfect about bones. They are beautiful. Wish I could see every single one sometimes. <br />
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i feel the same im to the point im not eating nothing at all now :/