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Just Let Me Starve...

That's how I feel lately. My mom and sister have dealt with so many of my mini relapses, and even just bad days, that they catch on pretty quickly to my behavior when I'm trying to avoid food, and I wish they wouldn't. I wish they couldn't see the monster as well as they do, because sometimes I feel like I need a day to dance with the demons. I'm mostly recovered, but I feel like some days I want more than anything to go back to the time when I could feel and see all my bones because back then all I had to do, even on the worst days, was sit in the dark, on the floor, and feel all my bones. I would push my arms, legs, stomach, etc. and feel how little fat was there...and it made everything better. I felt real...I felt alive when I was thin. I could feel everything that went on in my body...every heartbeat, the pulse of blood through my veins...sometimes I even thought I could feel my brain, pulsing out thoughts, telling the rest of my body what to do...Now I feel like all of that hyperawareness is lost in fat...and sometimes I feel lonely, beause it seems like even my body cannot speak to me like it used to...Sometimes I think I could go back to that....I'd like to go back to that...If only they'd just let me starve...
lil0miss0sunshine lil0miss0sunshine 22-25, F May 29, 2011

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