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No One Knows

I was scrawny and short for the first part of my life. I was constantly told how skinny I was and people were jealous about me eating anything and everything I wanted. I hit puberty late...sometime in my junior year of high school. I know logically that I didn't get fat, but everyone always told me how skinny I was. I wasn't anymore. I grew 6 inches up in one summer and I gained weight. I was terrified and no matter what I tried to say people just kept reassuring me that I was skinny. I'm skinny...but every time I look in the mirror I see a stomach that wasn't there before...and I feel like a liar. I hated it so much that I started wearing baggy clothes and freaking out if I couldn't fit into certain sized pants. I got to college and I just...stopped eating for days at a time. All my friends just thought it was stress or me forgetting to go get food because I was studying too much. I lost weight though and sometimes I could almost bear the sight of myself in the mirror. Then I ended up going on a medication for migraines...it's also a weight loss supplement. It was perfect. I could blame not being hungry on the pills, and I only had to eat whenever my best friend would come by and kidnap me to a restaurant. It was the first time in years that I felt like I wasn't a liar if someone called me skinny. But then my dosage went up and the side effects were too bad to continue. Now every time I look in the mirror I feel sick. I'm home for the summer and my parents left for 5 days. They left me all sorts of leftovers and easy to make food. I've been feeding it to my dogs and I still can't stand to look at myself in the mirror.
IbisVilen IbisVilen 18-21 1 Response Jul 9, 2011

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I know exactly how you feel, I used to be very tiny when I was younger but the last few years I've been putting more and more weight on until the point where I hated myself so much that I started restricting. I know it's a constant battle but I promise you that you can get through this. I would seek help if I were you, maybe go and see a counsellor just so you're not keeping all of this bottled up. I'm here if you ever want to talk XXX

Thank you...I do better when there are people around, so I made sure I'd be living with people who know to make sure I eat. My roommate is going to help me channel myself into working out and eating healthy instead of just not eating. Thank you again.