It's Been 6 Weeks..

It's been 6 weeks since my mom told me I was fat. No, she didn't tell me in those exact words but she said something along the lines of "Im concerned about your weight". For my whole 17 years she encouraged me even though I was not skinny. Never once did she say that I was fat or anything like that. But 6 weeks ago she sent me an email to tell me that she was concerned about my weight. I cried myself to sleep that night and over the next 3 days, I ate only 1000 calories and threw up everything until I discovered thinspiration. It was the most miraculously scary thing I had ever discovered. I had never known sites like thinspo/pro ana/pro mia existed.
I went home 3 weeks ago (I'm in boarding school) and she noticed how I had lost weight. She mentioned that my face was smaller in addition to my legs/stomach, etc. I was happy for a moment, but from that email, I knew I would never look at myself the same way again. I began throwing up 3 times a day but I read that that wasn't exactly helpful so I started starving myself.
The amount of calories that a 17 year old girl should consume is about 1900-2100. I slowly began restricting foods. No breads, no sauces, no jellys--basically nothing sweet. 1600 calories a day soon became 1300 then 1000 then 800 then 600. I am now consuming, on average, about 600 calories a day. i will see my mom on Saturday after 3 weeks. I hope she's noticed a change in me.. I hope she's not concerned anymore but I am.
I'm scared. I'm not sure if what I have is Anorexia or EDNOS. i just don't know. I'm scared that I will never get out of this habit. All I think about is calories/food/weight. I mean, my life is still pretty normal. But even my friends have noticed that I eat weird now--cutting things into small pieces. I want help but I don't know how to get it.
But, the real question is... do i REALLY want help or do I just want to be so skinny and sick to say "ahha that's what you get for calling me fat" ...
Right now, I feel alone and weird and hungry all at the same time.
When did it get to this?
amoranormia amoranormia
18-21, F
1 Response Oct 27, 2011

Least you're not throwing up your food like I am, it's the worst, I am slowly dying.