Nobody Gets It.

Nobody understands my eyes. No, I don't think I'm fat. Not yet. I don't want to get anywhere close. I'm pushing 110 lbs, and I feel ugly for it. I want to walk on the scale, and see that darling number. That pretty 86 lbs, which I proudly received in 7th grade at 5'1". I used to get all of those "You're so skinny!" remarks. Now, I get checked out, for I've grown an ***.

I don't want curves. I don't want these subtle love handles. If I keep eating, I'll get fatter and fatter. My weight is already at a constant increase. I don't want to be fat. I want that pretty number. That darling 86.

I don't want to eat. Damn it, I want that pretty number. That's all I want. Mom makes me eat. Eating makes me feel gross and greedy. When I eat, I binge. Only, I never puke it up. God, I'm terrified of puking. Bulimia is out of the question. Just don't eat, Sara. Don't you want that precious 86?

Nobody understand my eyes. If I'm not 86, I'm not happy. I punish myself for eating. I never feel good enough. I just want that 86; the only possible thing that's still in my control.
SaraPer SaraPer
18-21, F
2 Responses Dec 19, 2011

I know exactly how you feel. Once I have a number in my head, an ideal weight that I want to achieve then I MUST achieve it. I know it's really hard to eat. It makes you feel disgusting and horrible. You just need to challenge your negative thoughts. You can do it :) I know it's really hard gaining the weight and I know it's scary when people tell you your ideal weight. I love it when people say "you're looking painfully thin" or "you're so skinny". It makes you feel better for a little while but then you start to feel horrible again. You need to start eating a little bit at a time until you're comfortable. You can do it :) You're strong! I'm here if you ever need to talk xxx

Thank you, really. It means a lot.

Just remember that its only in your control until you slowly approach that goal, then the anorexia will take over and your not in control at all... i have been there! Funny enough i wanted to get back to what i weighed in year 7 which was 42.3 kg. ( 93lbs) I was certain that i would be pretty and that everything would be better if i reached that weight again. I reached my goal after a couple of months of starving.. and you know what.. i was more fat and ugly than ever... I think thats when i lost control, i believed i was in control but i wasnt... i slid all the way to 85lbs! and i thought i was fat!<br />
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The reality is i was hospitalized because i was out of control. i wouldnt listen to anyone they didnt understand. I know now logically i am several inches taller than i was in year 7. So i LOGICALLY should be heavier but in fact i was probably lighter than i had been in primary school! Thats not in control. I know all you will do is ignore this.. i did the same when people tried telling me. Coz all i wanted to do was loose weight i didnt care what people said i was fat... i still think i am... How is that in control. Being hospitalized was the most scary thing in my life and i never want to go bac.. please try and look at the logical side as often as possible, its doing things like that that slowly chip away and give you bac control... i am always here if you need to talk...xXx

Thank you for commenting, I highly appreciate it. It's nice to see somebody who understands where I'm coming from.

No problem *hugs*