I Am Wondering If I Am Worth Anything

Sometimes I find myself wondering why I have a mother. Mothers are loving and kind right? They never get tired or fed up of you right? 

I gave up a lot to stand by my mother when she went through depression. Now I'm anorexic and depressed myself, not because I want her attention but because I want to die. Life has been a very long, painful and hard thing for me. There's no mood swings just lows that stretch on forever like a bleak road ahead of me. I feel alone. My mum has devoted her life to making me feel bad about myself. She continuously shouts at me and feeds me great mountains of guilt that weigh me down and consume me. Then she suddenly climbs through and gives me a hug before walking off again, I try to hug her back and I get shoved away. Each time I reach out for her my hands return empty and sore. 

So many times I lie alone and talk to myself in my mind, pretending I'm talking to someone, so many times I fall asleep in my own tears and wake up hopeful before sadness stabs my heart and I just lie there, staring at the ceiling and listening to my brothers and parents either arguing or talking or just laughing. They drag me out with them and I find myself meekly following them, lost in my own world. 

I don't know why I do anything apart from it being a repetitive cycle that I go through everyday; wake up, sit ups, water, smile, smile, music, Twitter, art, walking, water, eye liner, Chris Brown, Twitter, smile, cry, sit ups, cry. <= that's about everything I go through in a day everyday. People are so scary. They judge me a lot and their constant accusations have torn my heart to shreds. 

I want to be alone somewhere with just one other person who actually understands and listens. Someone who I can talk to and who always knows how I feel. I wonder if someone like that exists....or am I just too hopeful?

I don't know how many times I've heard 'you're such a selfish person. You don't care about anyone but yourself. You're too consumed by self pity to see anything'. And each time I've just smiled and walked away. I envy the dead, they don't have to fake smiles and no one judges them, they aren't accused of anything and nothing hurts them anymore.

I wish I was the perfect child my mum wanted. Maybe then she would have actually loved me? 
WordHustler1995 WordHustler1995
18-21, F
3 Responses Apr 1, 2012

This was posted quite a while ago but I just came across it and felt compelled to comment. Honestly, I read your story and it felt like I was reading a story of my own life. My mother has been through alcoholism and depression and is so similar to yours, I really do empathize. I don't live with her anymore as my parents have split up recently but my relationship with her remains very strained and volatile as is my relationship with my father, who I live with. I too suffer from anorexia and depression as well as suicidal episodes, anxiety and self injury. I thought you wrote about what it feels like to have such a broken relationship with someone who is meant to love you and support you unconditionally so eloquently and it made me quite emotional. What you wrote about how depression feels made me cry, so few people understand it, and it felt both devastating and just so incredibly relieving that someone else understood too. Thank you so much for your story, it made me feel less alone in my struggles with family and with mental illness.

It's exact ally the same w/ my mom!!! Chat me

Hi! Um well if you want, my email address is Word_Hustler_95@hotmail.co.uk &lt;= we can talk via email any time you want :)

*Snape. stupid auto correct!

I just happened upon this site and read your story. I really feel for you.<br />
You need support and you need to find some joy in life and in yourself.<br />
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I am sure your Mum loves you heaps but just does not know how to express it and the wrong words come out and then you place a lot of importance on these words. I am sure she does not know the effect it is having on you. Every person in this world has great beauty and magic in them so find yours and love yourself a lot.<br />
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When you feel down just try to turn the idea around and start imagining and creating a life where you are happy and joyous and fulfilled. Sometimes when you are down that is a massively hard thing to do but you have to do it to start bringing the good things and magic into your life. It starts with you changing your mind and choosing a good life. Just imagining a better life will make you feel a little better immediately. Choose your thoughts and choose your life despite how bleak it may be in the world around you right now.<br />
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I really hope this helps you just a little.

Thank you so much. Just saw your comment and I appreciate your kindness. I am trying now, it's just that my mums been distant throughout my life. I was raised by my schizophrenic, bulimic brother who was eight years older than me (he was there for me in a lot of ways my mum wasn't there and so I never really talked to her or asked her for much. She spent most of her life around my younger siblings). Everything was fine until my big brother passed away and since then things have been going downhill. I've tried everything to try to get on with my mum but she seems so difficult to understand and she's always so angry and cold towards me. I undrstand that she must love me but I wish I could believe that.
Thank you so much for taking time out to read this. And don't hesitate to ask if you ever need any help!! X

My mothers a alcoholic she is just like yours...dnt take it out on yourself...just seeing your story it's clear you need someone to just b there for you and it seems you jut need someone o listen to u and tell you it will b ok....and it will b stay strong ur beautiful and special and someone will soon see that!