I Am Wondering If I Am Worth AnythingSometimes I find myself wondering why I have a mother. Mothers are loving and kind right? They never get tired or fed up of you right?
I gave up a lot to stand by my mother when she went through depression. Now I'm anorexic and depressed myself, not because I want her attention but because I want to die. Life has been a very long, painful and hard thing for me. There's no mood swings just lows that stretch on forever like a bleak road ahead of me. I feel alone. My mum has devoted her life to making me feel bad about myself. She continuously shouts at me and feeds me great mountains of guilt that weigh me down and consume me. Then she suddenly climbs through and gives me a hug before walking off again, I try to hug her back and I get shoved away. Each time I reach out for her my hands return empty and sore.
So many times I lie alone and talk to myself in my mind, pretending I'm talking to someone, so many times I fall asleep in my own tears and wake up hopeful before sadness stabs my heart and I just lie there, staring at the ceiling and listening to my brothers and parents either arguing or talking or just laughing. They drag me out with them and I find myself meekly following them, lost in my own world.
I don't know why I do anything apart from it being a repetitive cycle that I go through everyday; wake up, sit ups, water, smile, smile, music, Twitter, art, walking, water, eye liner, Chris Brown, Twitter, smile, cry, sit ups, cry. <= that's about everything I go through in a day everyday. People are so scary. They judge me a lot and their constant accusations have torn my heart to shreds.
I want to be alone somewhere with just one other person who actually understands and listens. Someone who I can talk to and who always knows how I feel. I wonder if someone like that exists....or am I just too hopeful?
I don't know how many times I've heard 'you're such a selfish person. You don't care about anyone but yourself. You're too consumed by self pity to see anything'. And each time I've just smiled and walked away. I envy the dead, they don't have to fake smiles and no one judges them, they aren't accused of anything and nothing hurts them anymore.
I wish I was the perfect child my mum wanted. Maybe then she would have actually loved me?