Slow Unravelling, Before You Judge You Should Know Its Not Fashion Or A Choice...everything

When I was four, I slowly started restricting my food intake because I told myself I was too young to go completely without food back then. I restricted it down to one slice of glorious cheddar cheese in a day but because I wasn't very strong I would falter and fail a lot. Whenever my mum brought home chocolate or chocolate cake I would take the smallest slice or refrain from eating it. The same went for crisps, fizzy drinks and juice. It was only when I was sick that I was weak enough to let myself enjoy a bit more food. I was always close to my aunt. I loved her but her daughter always treated me weirdly. My aunt started making me do all the chores and me? I was too nice to say no. I remember the day I was in agony, feeling like I would die and my aunt made me a fried egg to eat. I was thrilled, having not had a meal in days I couldn't control myself and shoved a handful down my throat, my hands shaking. My cousin walked in and sat next to me, fear made me do shaky I couldn't eat so I stopped. "Are you finishing that egg?" She asked. I looked at her hoping she would be able to somehow see by the look in my eyes that I did want it and was dying to have it but anorexia spoke for me. "No. I've eaten already. I don't want more." She attacked my egg like she hadn't eaten in days and I stood up and wandered out to sit in the flowerbed for something to do. After a while my big brother (schizophrenic and bulimic) came back from town with a small packet of cookies for me. I felt sick looking at them and so guilty that my eyes stung. He knew of course that I wouldn't eat so we sat on the swing sharing the packet (he said it gave him an excuse to eat.) I envied him with his stunning looks and his skeletal, lanky frame..after a while he left and I ended up alone, the unfinished packet clutched tight in my hand, feeling queasy with guilt. My cousin walked out and walked over to sit with me, she saw the packet. "Are you having that?" She asked. I shook my head and surrendered the packet, feeling my heart sink. I went in where guests had come over and was suddenly surrounded by strangers I didn't know. "Huh! Look at her! She's around sixteen and she doesn't even have the manners to say hi!" one of my aunts called Yasmine muttered when she saw me. I pretended I hadn't heard her and shook her hand before hiding in one of the rooms until the left. Looking in the mirror I hated what I saw. I was only seven but tall. My thighs felt thicker than trunks. My stomach looked huge. My face felt wide. My wrists felt huge. 

When I was twelve I went to stay with my brother for a year (in secret seeing as he'd run away from home the year before.) Seeing him eating normally made me 'get better'. I started enjoying food. I loved it and often ate a lot. When I went back home I was scared I wouldn't get the food I do badly wanted. "Look at her!" Mum joked with dad. "She's certainly started getting a figure." No one told me how skinny I was anymore and I ate because I loved eating. I went up to 51kg but was always tall and lean with a speedy metabolism and loved playing basketball. My mum started buying chocolates etc for my younger brothers for school but I'd never get any so I started grabbing huge bowls of cereal in the morning and hiding the chocolates inside. This continued until the day my mum found out. "YOU EAT EVERYTHING!" Mum shouted one day. "I CAN'T BRING ANYTHING HOME WITHOUT YOU EATING IT!" My heart sank buy I told myself I didn't care. I started spending a lot of time with my brother in secret. I envied him and his fiancé. I wanted to belong somewhere but no one seemed to need me. 

At twelve I met Nina. She became my 'BFF'. Nina was stick thin despite how much I ate and it triggered me again. I stopped eating. No one noticed and I was happy this way. She seemed like the best friend ever. After six months of our friendship I found out how insecure she was. To the point where she would tell me that everyone thought I was a lesbian just so that I wouldn't talk to them. She didn't let me talk to anyone but her and I started becoming paranoid, self conscious. My stuttering began and everything felt grey, hard and dull. I would often sit quietly beside Nina listening to her cry and not understanding what to say or do to comfort her. I struggled to help but it felt like I didn't do anything right and she was always angry at me. Then she asked me to make the biggest choice ever: "Chris Brown or me?" She asked. I struggled to understand what was wrong with her! He was a celebrity, a celebrity crush....my strength, my motivation....the man I secretly loved....Nina was just my BFF. Nothing more. 

At fourteen I started fainting at school due to lack of food. Nina would cry over me on the phone and expected me to call her once a day. I confided in her about my eating problem. "You're anorexic." She told me. I struggled to deny the truth. My academic performance fell. I was always sick but my weight stayed at 51kg. I hated myself. And then one day at dinner my brother asked. "Are you anorexic?" And he looked hurt. I just laughed it off but he knew after his own struggle with bulimia that I was struggling against something. He asked me again and I denied the truth but suddenly I broke down into tears and ran to hide in the bathroom. He eventually came up after me and leaned back against the sink, towering over me as I curled up and cried on the covered toilet. He asked me about everything and I answered all his questions as truthfully as I could though I hated answering them and letting anyone know. His fiance Spechelle (naturally gorgeous and petite) took me out for a walk and told me she was there for me and so was my brother, Shaun. We got home quite late and when Shaun opened the door I could tell he'd been crying but he just laughed and joked around with us all evening. That night he crept into my room after I was asleep and ruffled my hair. When I went to the bathroom later on I could hear Spechelle comforting him in their room and at first I thought it was one of his schizophrenic delusions getting the best of him but then I heard it clearly. "It's my fault." He croaked. "I should have realised she wasn't well all these years and now it hurts to look at her. She's so thin. I don't want her to go through what I went through." My heart sank and I quickly retreated into my room, the painful sounds of his sobs playing within my head again and again. 

I went back to school and Nina stopped talking to me. She turned everyone against me. At home my parents started treating me like I was invisible. I plunged straight into depression. I attempted to slit my throat (still have that permanent scar.) And was taken out of my school but ended up having to repeat the year because I had moved so late in the year. I hated myself for it and turned up on my brothers doorstep. I walked zombie-like around his house for three days, in those three days he comforted me, supported me, showed me love I felt I didn't deserve and I wished he was my parent. But I successfully purged one night and he found out so he moved into the room they gave me. As kids I had often slipped into his bed at night but now we were both older though it felt like he was the only person I have. He asked me about the scar on my throat and I was so emotionally unstable that for most of the night I lay awake beside him, shaking in silent tears. He repeatedly told me I was strong and stronger than him. He told me I could do it and he'd always be there for me. One day, he told me, we'd go out to eat together. I fell asleep clinging to his hand and slept like a baby for the first time in months. 

The new school was scary at first. No one understood me. But then they realised how nice I was and started talking to me. Then Hadeel and Alexandria joined the school and they made my life feel like Hell on earth. They teased me about Shaun and called him gay just because he was stunningly and effeminately gorgeous and highly Androgynous. We had an art exhibition and I invited him but the second I walked in my heart broke because my art work was the only work in the hall with no name on it but everyone else had their name on theirs. My teacher gave everyone glass trophies as tokens of appreciation...I was left out and I ran from the Hall to try not to cry and hold into myself but I didn't realise my brother argued with the school until they put my name on my work and when I got home he broke one of his own rules and called home (despite being on the run) to tell mum to tell me to stay strong. That year my weight went down to 49kg. I was put on medication called Zyprexa and went up to 50kg but then my mum weaned me off it laughing at me. My weight dropped to 47kg. 

In 2010 I got a worrying phone call at night that Shaun was really sick. I rushed to hospital in my haste to see Spechelle looking like the world was coming to an end...I rushed in to see Shaun lying on the hospital bed, a million wires sticking out of him. He looked so frail and sick and I feared that if I breathed too hard he would get blown away. He smiled when he saw me and made me sit with him, holding my hand as he asked me questions and told me to stay strong...I was there when he passed away....I will never forget that. Two days later his fiance gave birth to a beautiful baby boy who was exactly like Shaun. I named him Damien and he became my motivation. Spechelle started partying all the time, she drank a lot, dyed her coppery hair black and started wearing Shaun's clothes and had his name tattooed across her knuckles. (Before his death Shaun owned a tattoo parlour and he had a million tattoos himself too.) I fearfully watched her fall apart until the overdose that killed her. My weight plummeted to 46kg. I was securely depressed. I cut myself a lot and became a workaholic, unable to focus on anything. 

At present my weight has gone down to 40kg. I feel fatter than ever and I'm as imperfect as I was. I only shared this to help people realise the truth about anorexia before judging people with anorexia. Take care XXX 
WordHustler1995 WordHustler1995
18-21, F
1 Response May 13, 2012

how in the world does a 4 year old know to take i n less food?

I just stopped having sweet stuff at four-five as well as forcing myself away from things I wanted the most. It was at six-seven that I stopped eating and only had a slice of cheddar cheese a day....the rest fell into place itself after that.