My Whiny Story

I feel like my story doesn't matter because everyone has it worse than me.
It must have started when I was getting ready for school one morning, going
off to 2nd grade. I was putting my pants on and I couldn't button them.
I went and asked my mom to fix it for me.
She said, "damn, suck in that gut!" So I did.
I started feeling bad about my weight. My best friend was really skinny.
I was not.

In fourth grade, I didn't pay attention. My parents told me I had add and made
A huge deal about it, held me back, which to this day I'm still so ashamed
my boyfriend of 2 years doesn't even know. They made me go to a health clinic
and I got prescribed concerta. I was warned it may take my appetite away, so I had to
take it with food. I didn't take it with food, and I lost almost 20 pounds in a matter of 2 and a half months.
I weighed 60 lbs at 12.
My mom noticed too. She took me back and they prescribed me stratera.
In less time than it took me to lose 20 lbs, I gained 35.
I cried, and cried, and kept crying.

About a year later my parents split up and I started to restrict calories.
I was back down to 85. I felt so proud. In middle school, I just didn't eat. I'd starve myself
at school, occasionally I'd eat dinner other my dad, but I'd throw half my plate away.

I went through alot of friends, but one that remained, Christin. She was my bff. Best friend forever.
even still, I'm 19 years old and she would be 19 in August. She passed away in November 2011.

We weren't talking at the time and I didn't find out til December.
I love her though, and I hope she knows I'm sorry.
I feel very guilty like its my fault she passed, she overdosed on Xanax and was found
Dead on her boyfriends uncles bed.
I introduced her to the first pill she ever did. We got high together, drunk, everything.
We caught a building on fire when we were in 8th grade and she got sent to live with her dad almost two hours away.
We still talked and hung out. But she changed. I try to look at it as people change, but if we never did that,
she wouldn't have Moved and she could possibly still be alive.

My great grandmother was my world, she passed may 22, 2009. I don't want to go in details, I'm already crying too much.

I find it hard to be close or make friends with anyone anymore. I find it easier to be alone with my boyfriend.
I've been doing better since I got with him 2 years ago, but now I'm finding myself spiraling back into it.
My manager at work thinks its funny to call me ugly and fat. And he says it enough for everyone.
idk..I want to feel normal I don't wanna wake up everyday and feel like a failure, I don't want to hate myself.
I can't control my feelings.
I can control what I eat. Which in a way, is controlling my feelings but Nothing is ever good enough to me or for me.
taylornw taylornw
1 Response May 14, 2012

Hey we've all been there I'm sorry about your friend I know how it feels to lose someone so close as I lost my mom when I was in the 5 th grade. I know if she was here she wouldn't want you to blame yourself for her death. She would want you to know that you were always there for her and she loved you. I know the struggle you face daily as do I if you ever wanna talk you can message me and I would be happy to give you my number. Sometimes all people need is someone In There conner cheering them on. Like I said you can message me and we can talk if you ever need someone in your conner I'll be there